Transatlanticism
by purple elephant
Summary: He is a famous musician in England, she's an University student in Canada. They want to be together, but the Atlantic ocean seems to divide them. Can the agreement they made help them cope, or has too much been invested already?
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own anyone in this story, but I do own the story line._

_This is a Harry Judd oriented story, and although it is characterized under a 'romance', it mainly deals with how two people deal with being apart, when they only long to be together._

_I based this story on the song 'Transatlanticism' by Death Cab For Cutie, and if you haven't listened to it before, I do suggest you listen to it._

_I hope you ENJOY!_

**Chapter One – 'The Atlantic Was Born Today…'**

I felt your presence as I rolled over in my bed. The heat from your body that lay beside me made me feel all happy and content. Your warm breathe on the back of my neck sent shivers down my spine, and the way your hand felt as you gently pushed the stray hairs from my face made the butterflies in my stomach take flight.

I loved having these dreams; they made not having you around all the time that little bit easier, reminding me why I put myself through so much torture for months on end. So I relished in the dreams, the way my imagination would run wild and imagine you here with me, in my bed, just holding me close.

I feel your lips brush against my cheek, then down to my neck where you plant kisses; such light ones with the utmost care, as if you're scared to wake me. Then down to my shoulders where I can't help but lift them in anticipation to where your lips will meet my skin next. My skin feels hot under the touch of your lips, as if the blood in my body rushes to the spot where you touch me, wanting to be as close to you as I wish to be everyday.

I will myself not to turn around, to turn around and wake up from this dream and find the space beside me empty because you're not here. You're home. Your home. Away from me. But despite all the resistance in my thoughts, my body ignores them, just wanting to be so close to you that it can't help itself. So I turn around, keeping my eyes shut so tight, not wanting to ruin this feeling of content that has swept over me and makes a small smile play on my lips.

Suddenly I feel your lips crash onto mine, and my eyes shoot open. I'm met by a pair of crystal blue eyes that are filled with such emotion. My heart begins to race. Your hand comes up to my face, cupping it gently, stroking my cheek with your thumb ever so gingerly so that my legs feel weak. I break away abruptly, not wanting to, but finding a need to ensure that this is real, not just my imagination playing bad tricks on me. As I break away, a small laugh escapes your lips, and I feel your breath dance across my cheek.

"Harr…" I whisper.

"Shh. I was having too much fun before you stopped me," he said in a low whisper, clasping my face in his hands and bringing my face closer to his.

Our lips meet in a passionate kiss, as your soft lips move on mine, and your tongue sweeps gently across my bottom lip. I broke the kiss once again, wanting some answers, wanting to know that this is real.

"Harry? What..? You? Here?" I had so many questions and yet all my mind could think about was you, and all my lips could do was remain motionless in a state of shock.

"Really here?" Finally something coherent managed to escape my lips. You look at me with the cutest smile and just grab my hand and place it to your cheek.

"Yeah, I'm actually here."

He says those few words with a slight giggle in his throat, as if the absurdity in my question is something funny. I sigh in relief letting my eyes close as a sensation of calmness washes over me. I open my eyes, knowing you'll still be there, but I'm met with a questioning look.

"I thought you were just a figment of my imagination, part of my 'too-much-studying-for-organic-chemistry-midterm' induced delusion of a dream state. I had to make sure you were really here, couldn't take the disappointment if it was just my imagination" I explain. He just starts to laugh and plants soft kisses all over my face, covering every inch.

"I'm sorry that I woke you, I was going to surprise you tomorrow but my plane came in earlier, and I had to see you. So I came here, your housemate let me in. I was going to go and sleep on the floor and then surprise you in the morning, but you just looked so adorable, sleeping amongst your textbooks, notes and stick-toy-things, that I couldn't help myself. I couldn't help but want to touch you as soon as I saw you" he told me, almost all in one breathe, in a low whisper, not wanting to wake my housemates.

"I can't believe you're here! Why? I thought we were going to see each other over Christmas?" I asked.

"I know, but we finished the promotion early, and the guys knew how miserable I was missing you, so they convinced me to come down to see you, not that I needed much convincing. I have two weeks" he said that with so much joy in his voice that it was contagious. I couldn't help but have a huge grin spread across my face.

"You have no idea how happy I am. God I've missed you Harry". I could barely finish the last part of my sentence as my need for him took over. After nearly a month without his touch, that was all I could think about, and all that I needed at the moment.

I quickly rolled myself on top of him, crashing my lips against his, putting a month's worth of want and desire for him into that one kiss. I ran my hands through his hair, breathing in his scent and pushing his face closer to mine. His hands roamed over my shoulders and down my back, resting on my hips, then slowly bringing his warm hands up under my shirt, tracing small circles on my lower back. Just his simple touch sent me into a frenzy, causing shivers to run up and down my spine, and making my head dizzy with contentment. He took his hands from under my shirt, leaving my skin cold from where his hands once were, and brought them up to my face, where he cupped my cheeks and slowly pulled my face up, slightly gasping for air.

"Now THAT'S a welcoming I can get used to" he said with a smirk on his face.

"Shut up Harry and kiss me" I said with demand in my voice. I didn't need pleasantries right now; I needed him, all of him, on me, as close to me as humanly possible.

He didn't need telling twice, he just grabbed my face and brought it right to his, our lips colliding in a lust filled kiss that sent sparks through my entire body. His tongue explored my mouth; I had forgotten how great he tasted. His strong arms engulf me as they wrap around my waist and he brings his whole body so close to mine that if we were any closer, I would fall right through him. He brings one arm up around my shoulders and pushes me up. With our lips remaining in constant contact, he brings us up into a sitting position, as my legs wrap around his waist. Not breaking the lust-filled kiss once, he slowly begins to lower me onto my back while holding my neck ever so gently. He positions himself above me, resting his weight on his forearms, while his body lies against mine. I suddenly feel a sharp pain on my bottom lip, as I realize he bit me.

"Ow" I let out a little yelp of pain, and my hand rushes up to my lip.

"Aw sorry, but your little stick-toy-thing jabbed me in the arm" he says matter-of-factly.

"It's not a 'stick-toy-thing' Harry, it's a molecular model of a chiral compound for your information" I correct him with a slight giggle in my tone.

I quickly grab the model and throw it across the room, and it lands with a slight thud as it hits the far wall. I suddenly notice that I am lying on my organic chemistry textbook and I have all my study material sprawled all over my bed. I abruptly push all the material off my bed and grab Harry by the collar, bringing his face to within centimetres of mine. I lift my head so that my mouth is right up against his ear.

"I want you NOW" I growl while sucking on his earlobe.

This sent him over the edge, and he quickly put his hand under the small of my back, arching it so I can feel his hips against mine. I close the final gap between us by pulling down on his collar and hungrily my lips meet his. His hands continue to roam all over my body, just wanting to touch every inch of me. I begin to unbutton his shirt, getting frustrated with the small buttons as they stand in between me and Harry. He breaks the kiss briefly, just to be able to pull my shirt up over my head, which I allow with eagerness. I can't help myself, but I look at the remaining buttons left on his shirt and I can't take it anymore. I grab the shirt and rip it open, causing Harry to pause.

"I've never seen you like this. But I must say, definitely hot" he says as he's pressed hard against me with his mouth to my ear.

Just the feeling of his breath against the side of my neck causes me to shiver in ecstasy. He props himself up, holding my hands over my head, not letting me touch him in the ways that I want. He pauses and just stares down at me, with a slight curl of his lips, playing into a smile. Suddenly I feel self-conscious under his stare; I break eye contact with him and quickly look away. I can feel myself starting to blush furiously.

"Aw don't be embarrassed. I just forgot how beautiful you are, and I want to remember this view for ever" He tells me.

"Take a picture it lasts longer" I state.

"Don't tempt me, I just might, and then put it up on the tour bus so everyone can see just how beautiful you are".

With that, I can't take it anymore. He always knows what to say, and right now, I just want to show him how much I feel for him. I begin to fumble with his belt buckle, getting frustrated that I can't undo a simple clasp. I roll him onto his back, straddling him so I can get a better grip on his belt. I finally undo it, and quickly unzip his pants. He begins to fiddle with the waistband of my pants and mirrors my actions in undoing the zipper. We quickly shed our pants and are left in only our underwear.

"Whoa, not so fast, I need something from my pants" Harry quickly jumps off and grabs something from his back pocket.

A condom, should have figured, but at least he's safe right.

"Assumed we'd be getting lucky tonight Judd?" I enquired with a mock shocked expression on my face.

"I knew that you wouldn't be able to keep your hands off me once you saw this hotness so…"

"Just get over here already!" I said impatiently.

He pounces on me and leans across me, pinning me to the bed. As he enters me, he pulls my arms up over my head, restraining me, knowing how much I love it when he becomes dominant Harry, how it turns me on even more than he already does. He plants slow, hot kisses against my neck. He builds up a rhythm and as he begins to increase his speed, a warm feeling starts to wash over me. Just as I can feel myself filling with pleasure, Harry starts to nuzzle his face into my neck, sending me even more over the edge.

"I'm ready" I whisper gently into his ear, and with that he knows exactly what to do.

As this warm sensation rushes through my veins, enveloping me in pleasure, I can't help but let a small moan escape my mouth. Harry moans deeply into my ear in response. I feel him jerk and he collapses on top of me. Our breathing erratic, I can feel his chest against mine rise up and down as his breath dances across my neck. He nuzzles further into my neck.

"I love…" I pause. I can't say that, I don't know if I feel it yet. But why would I start such a sentence? "… how you make me feel" I finish off.

"You're amazing you know that?" Harry states as he rolls off me.

_REVIEWS ARE WELCOME AND GREATLY APPRECIATED!_

_THANK YOU!_


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2 – '…The Clouds Above Opened Up and Let It Out'**

As Harry gets changed and starts to fall asleep, I get up and rush off to the bathroom. I could never fall asleep right after having sex. I always felt all dirty and sticky, so I always took a shower right afterwards. Harry made fun of me for that, but he always enjoyed smelling me after I came back from the shower. I let the cool water run over me, cooling me down from the heat that Harry caused to rise inside of me. He had that way with me. He made me feel things that no one made me feel. He made me forget about the trivial things that clouded my life and he just made me happy.

But he also occupied a lot of my thoughts. Not always in a good way. He made me worry. See, we had this arrangement, more like I came up with this arrangement to help preserve my feelings. We lived at opposite ends of the Atlantic. He lived in England, had his band, his fame, his friends, his family, his whole life over there. I lived in Canada, and had everything that was important to me here. Except him.

I met him here in Canada, when his band was trying to break it in North America. They were doing some Frosh Week University tours, and they did a concert at my university, just before my second year began. I had heard of his band, since I was completely obsessed with England and everything to do with it. So when I heard they were coming to play at my university, I was excited. I thought 'Yes! A little bit of England here to me!' What I didn't expect was actually being able to meet the band afterwards, the band coming to one of my friends after parties since they weren't quite so famous over here, and me and Harry hooking up after the party.

He left for England after two weeks, two weeks that we spent a good amount of time together. But I told him before he left, that this would never work. He protested, saying we should try. But I gave him something better. I knew that with his band he would be very busy, too busy to have a needy, whiney girlfriend to have to worry about. And I knew that with my second year of university starting I would be swamped with labs, assignments and just school work in general. So, we made a deal. We would keep in touch, definitely. But we would remain uncommitted. If he pleased, he could see other people, and I could do the same.

I never ended up seeing anyone else though; I just didn't have time for it. From what I knew, he never saw anyone else either, but I'm sure if he did, he wouldn't be eager to disclose it to me. So, for my own sanity, I just tried not to think about him with anyone else. He came to visit me a couple of times over the past couple of months, but it was never for long. It was a couple of days here and there when he wasn't busy. I would have gone to visit him, but him being the big musician he is, he had a greater 'disposable' income than a university student would. I also could never get away. With labs, midterms, and working on weekends, I never had any time off. So, he made the effort. And I could not express how happy that made me feel.

What I didn't expect was my feelings. They had a mind of their own. I was feeling more strongly for him than I ever thought I would. How did I let my feelings get so out of hand? I'm supposed to be focusing on studying. That's what I told everyone when they asked me 'why don't you have a boyfriend?'. I had even lied to my parents, telling them I was completely focused on school and nothing else. Little did they know I was involved in an uncommitted affair with a British musician that I saw sporadically and had mind-blowing sex with. Or that I was starting to fall for this musician and that he filled my thoughts more than chemistry or biology did in a day. I was deep in this and I couldn't stop it.

After my shower, I dried off, got dressed in clean pyjamas, and went back to my room. I quietly picked up my textbooks, ones I had spent a fortune on. The same books that, just moments ago, I had flung to the floor not caring what happened to them. I re-organized my notes and glanced around the room. My eyes fell on the peaceful Harry, breathing heavily as he slept in my bed. I went to my desk and cracked open my books. I sighed deeply, remembering what I had been doing before Harry turned up. I was studying for my organic chemistry midterm that was in two days. Oh how I hate midterms.

So I buried my head in my books, and continued to study for the next couple of hours. Every once in a while, I caught myself glancing over at the sleeping boy lying in my bed. I couldn't help it but, every time I looked over, a small smile played across my face. After two hours, I threw in the towel, and decided that I needed to sleep. So I crawled into bed, next to Harry and turned my back to him.

Just as I was about to drift into sleep, I felt an arm snake around my waist and felt his head nuzzle into the back of my neck and start to kiss it gently.

"Finally, I couldn't sleep properly until you came to bed" he whispered.

"I sleep better with you here as well" I stated.

I closed my eyes and started to drift off.

"By the way, you smell nice" he said as he inhaled the smell from my hair.

A soft smile crossed my lips, and I fell asleep.

_REVIEWS ARE VERY WELCOME, AND VERY APPRECIATED!_

_THANK YOU AGAIN!_


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3 – 'I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere…'**

I awoke the next morning with that same smile still glued to my face. I would normally dread the sound of my alarm, the constant beeping at 9 o'clock in the morning irritating me, but how could I be anything but joyful today? Even though I had to go to boring classes, and that I had a nasty midterm coming up in the next couple of days, I couldn't wipe the now permanent grin from my face.

I quickly unravelled myself from his arms and got up to turn off the alarm before it woke him. I made my way over his body, rolling gently, taking in the touch of his skin against my own, not wanting to wake him, but not being able to resist. I was almost off the bed and on my way to the bathroom, when a hand firmly grasped my forearm and pulled me back on top of him.

"Morning you", he said in a low husky whisper as he kissed the side of my neck. There were those shivers again.

"Thought you could use me and then get away? I think someone needs to be punished", he said the last line with an evil glint in his eyes as the trace of a smirk played on his lips.

"Although the thought of punishment sounds very appealing, I hate to burst your bubble, but I was only going to brush my teeth. You know how I hate the fuzziness of the morning in my mouth", I explained as I tried to wiggle my self free from his embrace.

"Don't leave yet, I like how you look and smell in the morning" he said as his grip on me tightened and he brought my face closer to his. At that moment, I stopped him, putting my hand over his mouth and shaking my head.

"But I hate it, so I'll be right back" I quickly said and I pushed myself up off the bed and hopped to the bathroom.

I quickly picked up my toothbrush and applied the toothpaste. As I brushed away, I stared at the reflection in the mirror. My hair was everywhere, so I began to brush it down. I went to rinse out my mouth, and at that moment I felt a pair of arms snake their way around my waist. I shot up and saw a cheeky grin resting on my shoulder just staring at me.

"You nearly scared the shit out of me" I said out of breath.

He quickly spun me around in his arms and crashed his lips onto mine. Even in the morning, his lips were so soft and gentle, yet his kiss was rough and full of lust and desire. He leaned into me, his hands running through my hair, then to my shoulders, down my back and coming to rest on the counter behind me. He continued to push me against the counter, the small of my back now feeling the cool tile against my hot skin. I wrapped my arms around his neck, entwining my fingers in his soft hair. I gently pushed his face closer to mine, wanting to be as close as possible to him. The kiss continued for what seemed like a life time, wrapping me in a blissful state that I never wanted to end. Suddenly my need for air overtook my passion for him and I had to break the kiss. Out of breath, I panted slightly as he continued to set slow, lingering kisses over my jaw line and along my neck. He pulled back, leaving my neck slightly cold and looked me in the eyes.

"Mmm, minty fresh", he said with a slight chuckle. I lightly hit him on the chest, then grabbed him by the neck of his shirt and brought his face to within centimetres of mine.

"You like all my quirks" I state as I break from his embrace and grab my towel.

"Now out, I need to take a shower and get ready for class" I say as I try to push him lightly out of the bathroom, needing some privacy to get ready for school.

"Can't I join you?" he says quickly with that same hint of a glimmer in his eyes that I saw earlier, as he is struggling to stay in the bathroom.

"No. Don't you remember what happened last time we tried that? The lack of space, the fighting over the hot water, the slipping and nearly killing ourselves? It was SO hot" I said sarcastically rolling my eyes at him with my arms folded.

"Aw but now we could be better at it, after some practice" he winks at me, he then closes the gap between us and wraps his arms around my waist. "Please?"

"Not this morning, I have to seriously get ready for class". As I say those words his eyes drop to the floor. I grab his chin and bring his face up to mine, "but we can practice tonight all you want". As I utter those words the biggest grin spreads across his lips and I can't help myself but kiss him.

"Now go, I have to get ready". I scoot him out, turning around in the bathroom, feeling a light slap on my butt as I'm about to close the door.

After my shower, I find Harry sitting in my room watching TV, scantily clad in only a t-shirt and boxers. He looks up from the TV and quickly stands up.

"So, what do you have to do today?" he asks me, hoping that I'm free to spend the entire day with him. I want to spend the entire day with him, every waking and sleeping moment with him, but I can't; I have obligations, I have commitments, and most of all I have my education.

"I have two classes, physical chemistry and organic chemistry. Then I was going to study for my organic chemistry midterm that's tomorrow, but…" I pause thinking about the amount of studying that I had already done in the previous week, having a feeling that I wouldn't be able to study in the latter half of the week for some reason. Wow, must be some kind of psychic ability I possess.

"But what?" Harry interrupts my thoughts, noticing that I had gone off into my own little world.

"Oh, but I've already studied so much, I can have the night free, just for you! Oh and the new episode of The Office of course" I say the last part with a sheepish grin and I can feel my cheeks burn up slightly.

"Nice to know I come second to The Office. Ah, my little TV junkie" he softly kisses the tip of my nose as I rest my arms on his shoulders.

"Well I can always count on The Office being around unlike…" I cut myself off as I see the hurt expression on his face. He drops his arms from my hips, and lets his head hang while a deep sigh escapes his lips. Raising his head slightly, but keeping his eyes on the floor as he fiddles with his hands, he begins to speak in a low and serious tone.

"You know I wish things could be different. I want to always be around, I want to be here with you, and if I could change the way things were, I would. I would fly over everyday, I would build a bridge to cross the entire Atlantic, I would…"

I cut him off mid-sentence, crashing my lips to his and wrapping my arms tightly around his neck, wanting him to know how much I feel for him. How much it means to me for him to even utter those words. I couldn't put enough of what I was feeling for him into that kiss, I wanted him to know that he meant the world to me, even though I wasn't sure I was ready for such feelings to exist within me. I pulled away from him but kept my face close to his, not breaking eye contact, wanting him to know how serious I was about what I was about to say.

"I'm sorry, it was meant to be a joke, a bad joke and I didn't mean it. I feel so lucky that you put so much effort into what we have, even though it's unconventional. And I can't begin to express how much it means to me that you actually care and said all those things" I finished as I kissed him again, wanting to emphasize just how much he meant to me.

"Oh and of course you come before The Office, although Jim Halpert is definitely giving you a run for your money in the hotness department" I said cheekily as a mock shocked expression showed on his face.

He lowered his face to my ear and whispered in such a low tone that I barely heard him, "but I bet he's not as good in bed as I am". And with that, our serious conversation had turned into the normal, playful, sexual-innuendo-filled, joking conversation that I relished in.

I quickly glanced at the clock and noticed I had about half an hour to get to class. So, I quickly broke free from Harry's embrace and made my way to the closet.

"So, can I come with you?" he suddenly asked, catching me off guard.

"What?" I asked.

"Can I come with you? To class? Or is that not allowed or something like that? Or are you busy and don't really want me there?" The last line he said a little quieter, hoping that it wasn't true.

"Oh, no, it's not that. I was just caught off guard that's all. I never thought that you'd want to come with me to class. I have to warn you, physical chemistry is one damn boring course. I usually just stare and can't even concentrate" I inform him.

"Well, I don't mind. I want to spend time with you, and I want to see what all this class stuff is about, the thing that keeps you away from me".

"Well in THAT case, sure you can come. But I have to leave in half an hour. Do you think that's enough time for you to pretty yourself up?" I ask mockingly.

"What are you trying to say? I'm not pretty now" he says as he strikes a pose.

"Me? No. Never. Now go get ready. I don't like to be late" I say as I leave my room to let him get ready.

_AGAIN, REVIEWS ARE VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!_

_THANK YOU FOR READING!_


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4: '…When the water filled every hole"**

As I sat in the same lecture chair I always sat in, it felt different. Obviously it was different, I had him with me. I introduced him to my friend Matilda that I always sat beside in this class, getting the pleasantries out of the way.

"Harry this is Matilda, my friend who suffers through physical chemistry with me. Matilda this is Harry my…" I paused, not knowing what to say next. What was he to me? I knew what he was to ME, but what do I say to others? 'Hi this is Harry, my uncommitted-not-exactly-a-boyfriend-but-we-hook-up-every-once-in-a-while friend?' This is what gave me doubts sometimes, what were we in the sense of labels? I was suddenly taken out of my contemplation when Harry began to speak.

"..her love slave. Nice to meet you" he said as he stuck his hand out to shake. OH MY GOD, he did NOT just say that. I stood there in utter shock, feeling the heat rise in my face, knowing that I was turning a deep shade of red at that very moment. Matilda just started to laugh and sat down. Thank God she just brushed it off, I did not feel like answering any questions people had to ask. What scared me most was that I didn't know if I even HAD the answers for those questions.

He sat on my left side, further away from the aisle, trying to blend into the background, but I caught a couple of girls glancing over at me and whispering. Surely they didn't recognize him? When I had heard of his band initially, I thought I was the only one in all of Canada. But maybe they recognized him from the concert at the beginning of the school year? Oh yeah… that concert. Of course that's what it was.

My professor began to lecture, and this is when I begin to tune out. I couldn't help it. The professor had this soft monotone voice, with a cute Italian accent, and it didn't help that he was talking about thermodynamics and mixtures of gases and all that boring stuff. But I willed myself to continue focusing on the professor, I had to pay attention to him, I had to do well in this course.

I kept feeling a pair of eyes, burning a hole into the side of my face. I turned to look at Harry and saw him sitting there with a content smile on his face, resting his chin on his hand as he leaned against the arm rest.

"What?" I asked in a hushed tone, trying not to draw attention to myself.

He leaned in closer to me, bringing his lips up to my ear while brushing away the loose strands of hair from my face. In a low, lust filled tone he breathed into my ear.

"You have this hot librarian thing going with your hair tied back and those glasses on, concentrating so hard. I just want to kiss you so hard and run my hands all over your body…"

I didn't even let him finish, as I began to blush profusely, dropping my face to my hands and shaking my head. How did he have this way with me? He made me want to do things that I never imagined myself doing. As he said what he wanted to do to me, all the thoughts of physical chemistry left my head and I was filled with unspeakable images of me and Harry, in the lecture hall, with no one around. I heard him laugh quietly as his hand caught my face.

"You know you're so cute when you blush like that? Makes me want you even more" he continued to whisper into my ear, causing me to burn up and shiver all at the same time. I composed myself, and looked him straight in the eyes.

"Later. I'll definitely make it worth your while if you're a patient little boy" I said in a mock librarian voice, seeing that this excited him. I gave him a quick peck on the lips, hating it when people showed displays of affection in public, and turned back to focus my attention to the professor in front of me.

No matter how hard I tried, it was no use. The fact that he was right beside me, that I could hear him breathing and I could smell him, distracted me like nothing else could. It was funny; I usually spent most of my time in this class day-dreaming about being with him, and just feeling his touch. Now I was here, but I had him here with me. Right beside me. If I wanted to, I could reach over and grab his hand and feel him. This made me so happy. Happier than I thought it would. It's too much, too fast; I shouldn't depend on him so much for so much happiness. Is it healthy for one person to instil so much happiness into another individual?

I was snapped out of my day-dream by the feeling of something heavy on my shoulder. It was Harry, fast asleep as my professor continued to drone on. Bless him; he lasted as long as he could. Longer than I thought he would. The only reason I lasted this long without dozing off was because I had practice. I had a year and a half of boring lectures already under my belt, so you could say I was almost immune to the boringness. Almost.

So I focused my attention back to the material in the lecture and did my best to understand exactly what my professor was saying. No use. I was still lost.

After another dreary 40 minutes, the lecture ended and everyone started to leave the lecture hall. I kept getting strange glances thrown at me as other students passed by. I just had to ignore them. I waited until everyone was gone before I decided to wake Harry up. Thank God there was no class in here afterwards, because it meant we had the lecture hall to ourselves. I was going to have fun with this.

I slowly moved my books off my lap and shifted slightly in my seat. I placed my hand ever so gently onto his cheek and moved his head off my shoulder, resting it back onto the seat. I then moved myself onto him, straddling his legs and resting my arms on his shoulders, letting my hands run through his hair. I then slowly brought my lips to his face, softly kissing every inch of his face. I could feel him starting to stir and found that this was my chance. I closed the final gap between myself and him and crashed my lips against his. I slowly but deeply kissed his lips, and soon I felt him respond. I felt his hands come to life, as he wrapped his arms around my back, pulling me closer to him. He lifted me up slightly and brought his hand to the back of my head, pushing me in even closer. I could feel his other hand slowly make its way down towards the waist of my jeans and under the hem of my shirt as the heat between us increased.

Never in a million years did I think I would be sitting here, in a lecture hall, in a compromising position with Harry. But wow, did it ever feel good. I broke away from him, slightly out of breath and looked down at him seductively.

"Wow" he breathed out with a look of complete pleasure across his face. He began to speak again, but I just took my finger and placed it over his mouth, cutting him off. In a low and seductive growl I began to speak.

"Thank you for being so patient, now I told you that it would be worth your while. But I have to say, I think I'm going to have to punish you for that little comment about you being my 'love slave' earlier. Maybe I'll have to show you the true meaning of the word".

With that, I pulled off my glasses in a slow and seductive manner, placing them on the seat beside me, and then I took out the elastic from my hair, letting my hair fall down to my shoulders. I could see the excitement in his eyes, and the way he just couldn't contain himself. I grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him up to me, bringing his lips to within centimetres of mine. I slowly ran my tongue along his bottom lip, then lightly biting his lip and tugging gently. This sent him into a frenzy, and I felt him explode with movement, wrapping his arms around me, lifting me slightly, and bringing me even closer to him than I already was. He brought his face to mine, just brushing his lips past mine, and then moving his mouth to my ear. I felt his erratic breath tickle my ear and then in the lowest, most primal voice I had ever heard he began to speak.

"You are SO hot, you have no idea what you do to me. But you shouldn't tease me like that, I'll have to repay you in some way, and I might not be so nice" he growled while sucking lightly on my ear.

I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed him one more time with such desire that I had never experienced. It was a rough kiss, full of raw passion that was more primal than anything. Then my brain clicked in and I quickly broke away. He looked at me with a confused expression and I couldn't help but smile.

"Why did you stop?" he asked breathlessly.

"Because, love slave, I have another class in…" I looked up at the clock, "…3 minutes. So let's get a move on. You'll enjoy this class, its organic chemistry and the professor is hilarious".

I quickly got up, tied my hair back, and put my glasses back on. I packed up my books and started to do up my jacket, when I noticed Harry still sitting with a blank expression on his face.

"Come on Harry, you wouldn't want me to be late now would you?" I said in a teasing voice. He just looked up at me, got up and stood as close to me as he could without being me. He looked down on me, his breathing now more stable and wrapped his arms around me.

"You are such a tease…" he said right before kissing me one final time with so much passion that I felt my knees go weak. He broke away, keeping his face close to mine, "…we better finish this later" he said with a laugh. He then reached down and gently did up my jacket, bundling me up against the cold in a protective manner. We then walked out, and as we made our way up the aisle, he grabbed my hand and held it so softly.

This caught me off guard; we were never ones for showing public displays of affection. This wasn't because we didn't feel for each other, but it was always something I believed in. I hated it when people were all over each other in public places, made me sick. Maybe I was just jaded, but I thought that things like that should be left for private. Harry was the same way. His jadedness stemmed from his profession. He was always worried about photographs being taken and the public invading into his personal life. There was no way that he could get away with holding a girl's hand in England without someone getting a photograph and then tons of tumultuous love affair stories stemming from such an innocent act, so he just learned to control himself. I guess I must have stopped moving because I suddenly looked up and saw Harry's face. I looked up at him and I couldn't stop the smile from growing on my face. I moved closer to him and stood up on tip-toes to move closer to his face. I kissed him gently, lingering for a while longer. Pulling away I began to speak.

"Thank you" I whispered.

"For what?" he asked confused.

"Just for being here. With me" I answered.

"Always" he answered. With that one simple word, my heart fluttered and I was doomed. I had fallen for him. I had fallen hard.

_THANK YOU FOR READING, AND IF YOU REVIEW, THANK YOU AGAIN!_


	5. Chapter 5

_Just wanted to thank everyone for reading._

_I appreciate it so much that you take time out of your busy lives to read this story._

_THANK YOU AGAIN!_

**CHAPTER 5 – "And thousands upon thousands made an ocean…"**

Harry actually enjoyed my organic chemistry class, but I knew that he would. Why wouldn't he when my professor was talking about breast implants, flashing images of breasts on the big screen and playing corny chemistry songs. He kept turning to me and giving me that look like 'I can't believe you actually learn about this stuff?', and every time he did, my heart would melt just a little more. After the class, I introduced him to my friends that I usually sit with in this class. I didn't get a chance to do this before the class, since we managed to walk in late and decided just to slip in the back.

Sitting in the back was not such a good idea. When my professor wasn't talking about implants, and was actually explaining things important for the midterm tomorrow, Harry couldn't resist touching me, which yet again, distracted me. If I wasn't sitting in a room filled with 200 other students, I would have jumped his bones, right there and then. Somehow I managed to get through the lecture with minimal groping and not drawing too much attention to myself. As we walked out of the class, my friends were waiting for me, giggling like little schoolgirls. I wasn't so sure about introducing Harry to them.

No one really knew about Harry and me, except Sapna, one of my really good friends. They all made fun of my liking of McFly, telling me how absurd it was to like a 'boyband'. They had caught me looking at their website a few times, and not wanting to tell them about my 'thing' with Harry, I lied. I told them I was looking at the band things; the gossip and such. But really, I was looking at glimpses of him. Being without him, I had resorted to stealing glimpses of him from the internet. It kept me sane, reminding me why I suffered so much.

It was hard sometimes, because I would read some things that I wish I hadn't. I read things about him sleeping with tons of girls all over England, about him being gay with each and every member of his band, and what other fans thought of him, which wasn't always nice. But I had to grin and bear it. It was hardest to hear about the other women, but like I said before, it was part of our deal, no questions asked. Just because I didn't have time for other boys, didn't mean that he had to abstain from other women, no matter how much, deep down inside, I wanted him to.

So as we walked up to my group of friends, I started to get very nervous. They were all busy in their own conversation, not even noticing when we walked up behind them. Sapna was the first to look our way and right away she had that look in her eyes, knowing who this guy was standing beside me.

"Harry, this is Sapna. Sapna, Harry" I introduced them to one another. They shook hands, exchanging pleasantries.

Sapna didn't need me to introduce Harry to her; she knew exactly who he was. Like I mentioned earlier, she was the only one I confided in about my situation with him. She was my shoulder to lean on when I just didn't know why I put myself through such heartache and I began to doubt my decision to live this way. She was a hopeless romantic, and I loved her for that. She gave me hope in this jaded world, and her optimism and belief in true love made me want to have that. Made me want to be happy. Harry really had a lot to thank Sapna for, for she was the one that convinced me to stick it out with him, to get through the rough patch when I had decided to end it and just hope for the best. So that's what I did, and now having him here with me, cemented my feelings for him and made me thankful for having Sapna around.

"Hey guys. Ann, Hazel, this is Harry. Harry, Ann and Hazel" I introduced the remaining two. They looked up and a slight look of shock crossed their faces. They recognized him, and it felt a little good to finally shut them up after all their teasing. I knew that they didn't really mean it, but having them tease me when he wasn't around, was like kicking me when I was down.

"Nice to finally meet you Harry" Ann spoke with a slight laugh.

"Finally? Oh, do you talk about me when I'm not around? Does my reputation precede me?" Harry asked me in a mocking, shocked tone of voice.

"Maybe, a little. I may have mentioned you once or twice" I replied coolly as I could feel the heat rise again to my face. Why did I blush so easily? Definitely a curse.

"Aw, did I embarrass you? I'm sorry…" he whispered while he discreetly reached for my hand and clasped it loosely giving it a slight squeeze, he then bent down and gave me a quick peck on the cheek. He knew how I felt about displays of affection and he respected that, but I can't say I didn't relish in the thought of showing off this gorgeous guy to the world. My face began to burn up, making me blush even more. Why was he able to do this to me so easily? I needed to learn to control myself around him. I heard him laughing quietly under his breath as he noticed my face going a deeper and deeper shade of red by the second. I quickly cleared my throat and thank God for Sapna noticing, as she quickly changed the subject.

"So, how long are you here for Harry?" she asked.

"Two weeks. I flew in yesterday" he answered with ease.

"So, what are you doing now? We still on for that study session later on?" Ann asked, not realizing the awkward situation she was putting me in. I had forgotten that I had made plans with them earlier in the week, forgetting everything when Harry came to town. I only had him for the next two weeks, and they would always be around. They would understand wouldn't they? There was an awkward silence and I quickly decided that I had to be honest with them.

"I'm so sorry, but I completely forgot. Harry just came into town and… I forgot. I'm really sorry guys" I explained, hanging my head, hating that I had turned into the typical girl; dropping her plans with friends for a boy.

"Don't worry, we completely understand" Sapna chimed in. But then Harry cut in, catching me slightly off guard.

"No don't cancel on my account. I can keep myself occupied while you go and become the genius that I know you are" he said in a very posh British accent. Oh that accent, it drove me wild.

"Ha, genius, hardly. But are you sure" I asked him quietly, pulling him away from my group of friends, wanting to make sure he was ok with it.

"Of course, plus how long can it last? Two, maybe three hours? That way I can explore around this city a little more" he explained as he inched closer to me. Happiness filled my body as I realized just how lucky I was. He came all this way to see me, and now that he was here, he wanted to be part of MY life, not changing my life to fit HIM.

"What did I do to deserve you?" I asked, allowing for a little display of affection as I put my arms around his waist.

"I don't know, but I do know what you're GOING to be doing to reward me for being such a great guy" he said with a sexy grin on his face.

"Oh, I think I have something in mind" I replied as the tension between us grew. At that moment I just wanted to jump him and have my way with him. It took all my strength and will not to grab onto him at that moment. But I managed to control myself, somehow, and I just jumped up slightly, giving him a quick kiss on the lips before turning back to my group of friends.

"Alright ladies, we have 2 hours. Then I'm afraid I shall have to leave you. Plus The Office is on tonight, we knew I would have to leave you for that" I stated, giggling slightly, knowing that they also teased me for my Office obsession.

"How could we possibly forget? Alright, it was nice meeting you Harry. Hope to see you soon" Ann said as they started to make their way to the library. The two other girls chorused a good bye as well as they began to walk off, and I turned to him quickly.

"Ok I'll see you in about 2 hours. Thanks again" I told him.

"Anytime" he replied leaning in towards me. Gently cupping my face in his hands, he kissed me softly, lingering slightly before pulling away with a smile on his lips.

"Now, don't go getting lost on me Judd. The Steel City can be a scary place" I warned him as he started walk away.

"I promise nothing" he yelled back to me. I watched him walk away, until he was out of view. I felt a small pang in my heart as he disappeared from my sight. I let out a small sigh and then turned quickly on my heels and caught up with my friends.

_**AGAIN, REVIEWS ARE VERY WELCOME.**_

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	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6 – '…making islands where no island should go'**

The study session was long, but it was good for me to be with my friends, and I needed the review. However, it was a fruitless attempt at trying to keep myself distracted, when really only one thing kept creeping into my mind. Him. Over the past couple of months, ever since I met him, I was turning into my worst nightmare. I was becoming one of those smitten girls that I always ridiculed. I always thought 'Can't you just keep it in your pants? Boys are not the be all and end all'. But I guess I just hadn't found the right one. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Harry is my be all and end all, my last, since this might all be over tomorrow, but what I am saying is that he could be. Could.

We finished up studying a little later than I thought, and I was getting a little worried because I hadn't heard from Harry yet. I figured he would have come in the library or called me or something. But I guess I was at fault, making him wait and not letting him know. I have to get used to having to think about someone else and not just myself for once. I had never had someone to really 'answer to' before, well except my parents, but I had moved out about a year and half ago. From then on, I was able to do as I pleased, not really having to check in with anyone.

I made my way out into the November night. I hated how it got dark so fast here in the fall and winter. I hate winter; I don't know why I continued to live in such a climate. I wrapped my arms around my body, shivering slightly as the cool air blew past me. My breath formed clouds in the night air, and my nose was already frozen.

Then I saw him. He had his back to me, mirroring my stance slightly, with his arms wrapped tightly around himself, trying to keep warm. He was leaning slightly against a lamppost, the light from the bulb cascading over his frame. Damn it, he could even look sexy when he was dying of cold waiting for me. I sighed inwardly, continuing to fall for him. I quietly made my way over to him. I wrapped my arms around his waist from behind and rested my head against his back.

"I'm so sorry. I should have called, or come out to find you or something. I'm terrible I know. I'm so sorry" I tried explaining. The more I talked, the more I realized how selfish I had been. He turned around in my arms and pulled me in closer for warmth.

"Yeah, you should have" he replied in a flat tone. The guilt in me rose even more.

"I know, I know. I'm so sorry. I really am" I began to plead while burying my head into his chest, but he cut me off.

"Oh come on, it's ok. I was only giving you a hard time" he laughed. "I arrived a little late anyways and thought that you were going to be cross with me. But when I got here, I couldn't find you. I thought you left. So I went to call you, but then realized I didn't have your new cell phone number. So I came into the library to find you, and when I saw you deep in concentration studying with your friends, I didn't want to disturb. So I waited outside. You don't have to apologise" he finished while kissing the top of my head. "You apologise a lot you know?" he stated while pulling me away from him slightly.

"I know, I know. People tell me that all the time. But I really meant it. I'm sorry that I didn't call you" I told him while looking straight into his eyes.

"I can't believe you forgot about me" he said in a mocking tone while holding his hand to his chest.

"Oh don't worry, I didn't forget. I couldn't stop thinking about you" I said the last bit in low whisper, looking down to the floor, not really wanting him to know just how much I thought about him. At that moment, he placed a finger under my chin and pulled my face up to his.

"I couldn't stop thinking about you either" he said as he inched closer to my face, bringing his lips to mine. As our lips massaged each others, he wrapped his arms around me even tighter, bringing me into a warm embrace. His tongue swept across my bottom lip and into my mouth, as the warmth from his body filled all my senses. I was glad that he was holding onto me so tightly, because if he hadn't been, I'm sure my knees would have given way and I would have fallen to the ground. Suddenly the night air didn't feel so cold, I was swimming in a pool of warmth and bliss as he brought his hand up to my face and gently stroked my cheek with his thumb. I got up on my tip toes, trying to get even closer to him, never wanting to break this feeling. But gently, he pulled my face away from his and just stared into my eyes. A small smile formed on his lips and he began to speak in a hushed tone.

"Well that's one way to warm me up, after I froze my arse off out here" he stated, never breaking eye contact. I moved my face closer to his, my lips centimetres away from his.

"I can think of another way to keep you warm, and it doesn't even involve any clothing" I whispered and then pecking his lips, I pulled out of the embrace and gave him a cheeky look.

"I like the sound of that" he answered, grabbing my hand and pulling me in the direction of my house. He started to walk very quickly, as if a man on a mission. I slowed him down a little, tugging on his hand to turn his attention back to me.

"Whoa not so fast Harry, what about food? I'm famished" I asked, suddenly realizing I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast. He stopped in his tracks and looked back at me.

"Come to think of it, I'm starving as well. Ok, first food, then we shall continue what we started in that lecture hall" he said with a quick wink and continued to pull me in the direction of home. I couldn't help but laugh at that comment. Boys; either thinking through their stomach or through their pants. It's ok, because I'm really the same way, apart from slight breaks where I have to use my brain for school.

"You know, it's freezing here in Canada. No wonder people think you lot live in those ice houses" he stated.

"Igloos?" I asked.

"Yeah, those things. Where are all the igloos?" he asked me, smiling slightly at the absurdity of his own question.

"Oh Harry, didn't they tell you? They moved all the igloos to the North Pole so the elves can live in them?" I replied with a sarcastic tone.

"Har har, very funny. Now, food; we need food" He stated matter-of-factly turning on his heel. He reached down and clasped my hand in his and pulled me in his direction. We started walking through campus in silence. A comfortable silence. Suddenly, Harry spoke, breaking it.

"By the way, it would be nice if I had your new cell phone number, in case I ever wanted to call you, you know" he remarked, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"Oh well, I'll have to think about that. I tend to use that number for my many sexual conquests, so I'll consider it" I jokingly stated. Harry suddenly stopped walking and the smile dropped from his face.

"What?" I asked him, turning him to face me.

"Nothing. Let's just get something to eat ok?" he said quickly, shaking his head. He then pecked me on the lips and starting walking again.

We walked to get some food, and he never once let go of my hand. Normally I would hate that, but now, it just felt good.

_**AS USUAL, THANK YOU FOR TAKING TIME TO READ.**_

_**I APPRECIATE IT A LOT!**_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 – 'Those people were overjoyed…'**

We had decided to eat Chinese food, since there was a small restaurant very close to my house. The food was greasy and there was tons of it, but it was so good. The entire meal, I felt as if Harry was somewhere else. The conversation was pretty normal, us joking and laughing, but it felt half-hearted. It felt as if there was something hanging in the air, just waiting to crash down on us. It made me feel uneasy. But I just brushed the feeling away, not wanting to ruin the little time I had with him. I paid for the dinner, even though he insisted, because he was my guest after all. We then made our way out into the cold night on our way to my house. We walked hand in hand in silence, rushing a little since the chill of the night was starting to freeze us to the bone.

We walked up to my house and found it dark. No lights were on, no cars in the driveway apart from my own; my housemates must have been out. I guess Harry also noticed the lack of occupants in my house because he broke the silence, pulling me in closer to him.

"Looks like we have the place to ourselves. Lucky us" he stated in a sexy, seductive tone.

He started to place soft kisses on the side of my face, moving down to my neck as his warm breath fluttered against my cold skin. I couldn't move from my spot. I was afraid that if I tried to use my legs, they would buckle as my knees went weak. I wrapped my arms around his neck to support myself, and let my head roll back as he continued to make his way down my neck to my collar bone, leaving hot, wet kisses in a trail where he had been. Working his way up to my other ear, he licked it teasingly letting his breath dance across my skin.

"Let's take this inside huh?" he whispered, bringing his hand to my face.

I didn't even hesitate, grabbing his hand in mine and pulling him up the driveway and up the stairs to my front door. The porch light was off, so we were in complete darkness. I started to dig for my keys in my book bag, cursing under my breath as it was taking me longer than I wanted. Any other time, I would have my keys poised and ready to unlock my door, but now, when I couldn't wait for the second to jump Harry's bones after getting inside, my keys seemed to disappear.

I felt a pair of arms snake their way around my waist as his hot breath caught against the skin of my neck. He nuzzled his head further into my neck, gently brushing my hair aside with his hand, revealing my ear where he began to lick and suck, and gently biting it every so often. My heart began to race and my hands started to shake. I could feel a warm sensation run through my veins as he pulled me closer to him, leaving me slightly out of breath. I closed my eyes, taking in his touch, his smell, everything about him. I was startled from my bliss by the sudden clang of keys hitting the wooden porch floor.

"Shit" I cursed quietly, breaking out of his grasp and bending down to pick them up.

As I got up, I was forcefully grabbed by the arms and spun around on the spot, coming face to face with a smiling Harry.

"What?" I asked, still slightly flushed from his touch.

"Didn't know I had that much power over you. I guess the Juddster still has it eh?" he smirked with a cocky expression on his face.

I remained silent, not knowing what to say. Do I admit to him that he makes me feel things no one else has? Admit that just the thought of him makes my heart skip a beat, makes my breath catch in my throat? Admit that I'm falling for him harder than I ever thought possible? No. I can't. It's all too soon. Too fast. So I opted for silence. I quickly turned on my heel and went back to my task of unlocking the door.

With his hands still firmly on my hips, I managed to finally unlock the door and get in to the warmth of my house. I walked in first, throwing my book bag on the floor and my keys on the table. I jumped slightly as I heard the front door slam, and I felt my self being pulled back. Harry grabbed me by the waist and pulled me back, slamming me up against the door, as his lips collided with mine.

He was rough, hungry for my touch, my taste and I responded to his every move. He pins me up against the door, grabbing my arms and pulling them above my head with one hand, as he lets his other hand wander all over my body. I slightly pull away from him, at a loss for air.

"What has got into you Mr. Judd?" I manage to say in between deep breaths.

"I told you, you have to finish what you started in the lecture" he simply replied.

His lips met mine again in a lust-filled kiss, sending shivers through out my entire body. There go my knees again, giving way with one simple kiss. He breaks away slowly, letting his lips linger on mine for a moment longer.

"I've wanted to do that all day" he mumbles into my lips, causing me to break into a grin.

"Now" he pauses while planting soft kisses all over my face, "it's my turn" he spoke in a serious tone.

He begins to kiss me again, but with such tenderness that it almost breaks my heart; a tender kiss that runs all the way to my bones. He quickly lets go of my face, grabbing the front of my jacket, fumbling with the zipper, all the while never breaking from our kiss. His tongue runs through my mouth, massaging my tongue with his. He can't seem to get my zipper undone. Growing impatient, I break the kiss breathlessly and undo the zipper quickly, dropping my jacket to my feet. Within seconds, I crash into his lips again, unable to bear being away from his touch at that moment. He wraps his arms around me, enveloping me in a tight embrace, filling me with the greatest sensation. He lifts me up slightly, bringing me up to his face. I let my arms wrap around his neck, as my hands entwine into his soft hair, pushing his face closer to mine. I feel him lightly bite my lip and it drives me crazy. I wrap my legs around his waist, wanting to prop myself up so that I can be even closer.

He begins to stumble his way towards the couch in the dark, wobbling from side to side, bumping into things on his way. I break the kiss, and I hear a low moan of frustration escape his lips.

"Not here. Let's go upstairs" I whisper into his ear. I pull away from him, and he sets me down. I start to make my way over to the stairs, but he grabs me by the waist and spins me around.

"Not so fast you" he growls into my ear.

I grab him by the collar of his jacket and bring him into me. We continue to kiss, as I work on his zipper. We backup towards the stairs, shedding his jacket along the way. We split apart and I quickly turn around and run up the stairs, Harry hot on my heels. I can't help but giggle as he tries to catch me, unable to since I'm just that little bit faster. I turn down the hall, running towards my room at the end. As I burst into my room, Harry finally catches up with me and grabs me by the shoulders and pivots me around. He kicks the door shut with his foot and wraps his arms around me.

We were in a passionate kiss within moments and I could feel the heat in the room rise immediately. He started to undo the buckle of my jeans as I ran my hands under his shirt. I could feel his stomach and chest muscles tense up under my touch and that drove me wild. I wrapped my arms around his back, still under his shirt, and I ran my fingernails, ever so gently down his back, scratching it lightly. A low moan escaped his mouth, into the kiss, and a smile creeped onto my lips. I loved having this affect on him. He moved his hands up to the back of my head and pushed me in even closer, hungry for my taste.

He begins to back me up towards the bed. The back of my knees hit the mattress and we stop moving. He steps back from me, leaving my lips throbbing and raw from his kiss. He plays with the hem of my shirt, and I bite my bottom lip in anticipation. He pulls the shirt up over my head, leaving me in my bra. I tug on his shirt, starting to unbutton it, while he plants soft kisses on my bare shoulders, tracing the trail with his fingertips. His shirt hits the floor and he starts kissing me again.

We fall onto the bed and roll all over each other. We shed our pants, and are left in only our underwear yet again. I roll on top of him and straddle him, playing with the waistband of his boxers. He runs his hands down my thighs and I can't help but shudder under his touch. I lean down, planting a trail of kisses down his chest. He runs his hands up and down the length of my spine, causing me to shiver slightly. His hands grab my hips roughly, lifting me up slightly, then slamming me down onto the bed, reversing the previous position we were in. He gently runs his fingertips up my arms, pulling them up over my head, pinning me down in a submissive position. He restricts my movement; I begin to squirm under his hot breath as he keeps kissing me on my neck. He bites my ear gently, then licks it quickly, moving down to my jaw line, then down to my collar, and down my chest. He expertly removes my bra with only one hand, leaving me shameless on the bed. I begin to blush yet again, suddenly feeling self conscious in my own room. I bite my bottom lip as he continues to work his magic on me.

"Stop teasing me Harry, just ravish me already" I growl in a low tone. He starts to laugh at me.

"Ravish eh? I think I can accomplish that" he responds placing his hand under the small of my back.

He lifts my hips up gently, sliding my underwear off. I grab his waistband and tug at his boxers. He rips his own off and throws them across the room. I break from him and grab a condom from the drawer beside my bed and thrust it towards him. He puts it on and gently enters me.

I can't seem to remember the details from the rest of the evening. It all seems like a blur to me. I just remember feeling blissful, warm all over and experiencing sensations I had never felt before. Harry had truly ravished me and I was left speechless.

I do remember lying on top of him, breathless, feeling every inch of his body in contact with mine. Our breathing was quick, and short, but in sync at the same time. I felt his heart race and beat hard in his chest. I felt my stomach flutter as I heard him sigh lightly, his breath on the side of my face. He had fallen asleep with his arms around me and I never wanted to move. But that sticky feeling started to bother me, so I wiggled my way down his body and out of his arms. He rolled on his side and went back to sleep, a small grin playing on his lips. I just sighed inwardly, and turned around making my way to the bathroom. I almost hesitated, not wanting to wash his smell off me, but I did, knowing that he would still be there when I got back.

_**THANK YOU ALL AGAIN FOR READING, I APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH!**_

_**REVIEWS ARE MORE THAN WELCOME!**_


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 – '…they took to their boats'**

I couldn't sleep very much that night. I lay awake in the early hours of the morning, just lying still, letting my thoughts consume me. My mind was running wild and I couldn't seem to silence it. I had thoughts of my upcoming midterm floating around, realizing that it was happening today and I had been distracted with a certain someone. He dominated my thoughts though. Lying beside him, hearing his low, deep breaths as he slept, I began to realize that he wasn't staying here; he had to leave in less than 2 weeks. Having him leave was one of the hardest things I had to go through. It was the best feeling when he arrived; joy, happiness, excitement. But it was always clouded with knowing that it wouldn't last, he would have to leave one day soon and when he did, my heart would break all over again. It happened every time. My world would come crashing down around me as he walked out of my life, and I was left to pick up the shattered pieces.

I never cried though, I promised myself that. I wasn't going to turn into a sobbing idiot around a man that I wasn't even really committed to. Maybe that's why he thought I never had trouble letting him go and always joked about it.

He made fun of me saying, 'You don't care that much about me, do you? Never once shedding a tear for me huh?' If only he knew.

The alarm began to ring, and I got up slowly, not wanting to disturb the sleeping body beside me. I had to get my head together. I had to write a very serious midterm today and I had to do well. My scholarship depended on it. I attended university on an academic scholarship since my parents were not well off, and I had to maintain a certain grade point average to keep it. So this midterm had more riding on it than just a simple grade. It had my academic life riding on it.

I dragged my feet to the bathroom, turning on the hot water; letting the steam rise and fill the tiny space. I left my clothes on the floor, stepping into the heat, letting it wash over me. Maybe it would wash away my worries and let me find peace, even if only for a few minutes. Never in a million years did I think that having the guy I felt so much for, here with me, would cause so many problems. I guess I didn't think this arrangement of ours through very much. Maybe my instincts were right. Maybe I should have ended it? I stood under the hot water for what seemed like ages, letting it envelop me in its warm embrace.

I shook my head, trying to rid my head of all the doubts. Focus. I lathered up the shampoo and scrubbed. I scrubbed hard, thinking that maybe if I rubbed hard enough, all my thoughts would wash away and I could just be happy.

Walking out of the bathroom, almost half an hour later, I was pleased to find Harry awake, sitting up in my bed. He had my phone in his hand, pressing buttons and looking through it.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" I apologised reaching for some clothes from my closet.

"Kind of, but it's ok. I want to be awake when you're awake. I don't want to waste anytime sleeping" he replied in a flat manner not looking up from my phone, seeming preoccupied with something on the screen.

"What are you doing?" I asked trying to snatch away the phone from his clutches; quickly realising he was going through my personal things on my phone.

"Oh, are we trying to hide something on here?" he asked with a cheeky grin on his face.

"No, just it's mine, it's personal and you're going through it" I replied, still trying to get the phone away from him. This was useless, he was taller, and even sitting down, he could keep things out of my reach. So I devised a new plan. I would use my sexual wiles and get it back from him.

I crawled onto the bed, dropping my towel to the ground, leaving me only in my underwear. My hair was loose and damp, resting on my shoulders. I crawled seductively over to him, seeing his eyes widen at the sight of me approaching. He began to lower his arm, letting down his guard as I got closer. I traced my fingertips up his chest, moving closer and closer as I did so. He lowered his hand down, dropping the phone in the process, and reaching for my face with the same hand. I quickly snatched up the phone and jumped off the bed.

"HA" I yelled while making my way over to the closet. He remained silent for a moment, before getting up and walking over to me.

"Why are you so secretive about your phone?" he asked me, while resting his chin on my shoulder.

"Because it's mine, and it's private" I replied, not thinking twice about my answer. I was a private person, not letting many people in to the depths of my thoughts and soul. Harry was getting close though, and it scared me. I had to do something to prevent him from seeing my soul raw and naked. No one had ever seen that, and for now, no one would. I just don't know if I could handle it if he ever decided to leave me after exposing myself to him like that. So, for now, I kept it closed off, behind a blockade, safe from the outside.

"What are you trying to hide?" he asked in a demanding tone.

"What? Nothing. What are you talking about?" I replied while continuing to find some clothing for the day.

"I saw the names. I saw the numerous guys' names in your contact list" he stated.

"What were you doing going through my contact list Harry?" I turned facing him, looking him straight in the eyes.

"What's more important is why they are there? How many of them have you fucked?" he raised his voice at me, taking me back slightly. How could he ask me something like that?

"Wouldn't you like to know" I replied in a naughty tone, focusing my attention back to my closet.

He grabbed my arm hard, turning me around and pushing me up against the wall. I saw something in his eyes that I had never seen before. It was full of emotion, but it wasn't lust or want, it was anger. It scared me.

"I'm serious" he growled, "how many of them have you fucked?" he repeated the question, not letting me out of his hold. I couldn't believe he was asking me this. The audacity. He had no right. Never once did I ask him about the many conquests that he had back in England. I followed the agreement and now he was breaking it. I felt the anger inside me rise, and I broke free from his hold, walking into the middle of the room, turning my back to him.

"What does it matter Harry? I'm sure you've fucked other girls. I've read the stories Harry; your numerous one night stands all over England, the photographs of you with famous women. What does it matter what I do, or WHO I do when you're not around" I hissed back at him, wanting to hurt him slightly, for him to know what it feels like to want to be with someone, but they're with someone else.

There was a long silence. I could feel his eyes on my back, but I didn't dare turn around. I couldn't bear to look at him at the moment; it was too painful. So I stayed with my back to him, waiting for a response.

"You know what? You're right. It doesn't matter. I have been with tons of women back in England, and I HAVE fucked them. YOU made up the agreement between us, so I followed it" he spoke with hate in his voice.

With those few words, he managed to shatter my heart into a million pieces. My breath caught in my throat and I felt myself go weak. I wouldn't let him get the best of me. I willed myself not to cry as I felt the water rush to my eyes, but I couldn't stop a single tear from rolling down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away, not wanting him to see me break down. I took a deep breath and slowly turned to face him. He had a cocky grin on his face, and for the first time ever, I wanted to smack it off him. But I resisted.

I looked him straight in the eyes and told him slowly, "Exactly".

I quickly grabbed some clothing from my drawers and got dressed. Suddenly, being in the same room with him was too painful. For the first time in my life, I wanted him as far away from me as possible, back in England, so he couldn't hurt me anymore. I grabbed all my books and stuff for school, trying to focus on the fact that I had that midterm today, pushing the books into my bag. I slung the bag over my shoulder, and grabbed my keys. I made my way towards the door, but Harry was standing in the doorframe, blocking my path.

"Move" I said to him coldly.

"Where are you going?" he asked, with a slight worry in his voice.

"I have class to go to. You know the thing I attend everyday? It's called University. And unlike you, who doesn't have to worry about their academic career because you're in a band, I have to go and get my education so I can make a decent living in my career. Not all of us get to go around the world, gallivanting with different women every night without a care in the world" I stated, looking him straight in the eyes. I wanted to hurt him after how much he hurt me.

"Is that what you think of my career? That I just gallivant around without a worry in the world? That my career isn't as important as yours?" he said those words with so much pain in his voice.

"Well some of us have to actually work for our careers" I hissed back at him. "Now let me pass; I have to go, I'm already late. I don't have time for this" I said while pushing past him. He grabbed my forearm forcefully, bruising the skin lightly.

"What am I supposed to do?" he asked me.

"I don't care. Why don't you call up one of your many conquests and ask her over. You can even use my bed. Please, feel free" I spit back at him, pulling my arm from his hold.

I didn't even wait for him to reply, I stormed out of my room, down the hall, down the stairs and out the door. The cold air hit my face like a ton of bricks. The sharp sting of the air hit the back of my throat causing it to burn. I wrapped my self tightly in my jacket, dropping my head and making my way to school. I quickly wiped away another stray tear from my face and continued walking. How was I supposed to write a midterm now when my world had just come crashing down around me?


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9 – 'I thought it less like a lake…'**

Today is the longest day of my life. The sun is shining on the cold November day, but all around me I feel a shade of grey. I dredge through my routine, playing the scene from this morning over and over again in my head. Every time I relive the entire argument, from how it started with innocent banter, to how it ended with me storming out, I feel sad, angry and most of all confused. I was usually the level-headed one, the one who could sit down and think things through, but with Harry, it was obviously different. All my rationale was flung out the window, and I was left lost, wandering through my feelings, not knowing what was right and what was wrong.

The day was long. I went to my classes, tried to pay attention, took some notes and just went on with my daily schedule. I had sat in the library for hours, doing my best to review the material for the midterm this evening. Just one hour before the actual test, I began to frantically search for my student ID card, not being able to find it. Where the hell could it be? I needed it to write the midterm, and right now, I was starting to panic. I completely emptied the contents of my bag, searching frantically through my belongings, willing it to be there. How could I be so stupid to misplace such an important thing? I know how, I had been preoccupied. I had been preoccupied with Harry. Damn it, I had let my guard down and now it was biting me in the ass.

The card was not in my bag, not in my jacket, and I hadn't seen it all day. Maybe I had left it at home? Agh, this meant I had to go home and check. I wasn't ready to do that, I wasn't ready to go back yet. But I had to. So I sucked it up, bundled up my jacket, picked up my bag and began to make my way back home.

The walk seemed short, but maybe it felt so short due to the fact that I wanted it to drag on forever, or at least until I was ready. Right now I felt like I would never be ready. What was I going to say when I saw him? Would I even say anything at all? Most importantly, what would he say? I had no idea what he was thinking, and now that we had a whole day to cool off, would things be different? Certain things were said, things meant to hurt one another, things that could never be taken back. We had crossed a line, and there was no turning back.

I made my way up the driveway, up the stairs and towards the door. I slowly unlocked the door, trying to make as little noise as possible. I don't know why I was trying to be so quiet; I guess it was just the apprehension inside me coming through my actions.

Only one of my housemates was home, but she was locked away in her room. She spent most of her time there, studying and doing God knows what. I looked around the living room and in towards the kitchen; no one was around, peace and quite filling the house. I left my keys by the door, dropped my book bag, and went up the stairs towards my room. The door was closed.

I walked up to the door, stopping in front of it, hesitation washing over me, as my hand hovered over the handle. I took a deep breath, knowing that I would have to face him eventually, but I just wish it didn't have to be right now. I finally summed up the courage and made contact with the cold metal. The handle squeaked quietly as I turned it slowly. I walked in, and it was empty. He wasn't here. I let out a small sigh of relief.

I got to looking for my student ID card immediately, rummaging through the stuff on my desk. HA, I found it, right there, on my desk. I turned around to leave and it suddenly hit me; where was he? Harry didn't know the city too well; he had only been here a few times. And where was all his stuff? I had noticed his bag was gone as I quickly swept the room with my eyes. Why was his stuff gone? Had he left? Had he left for home? Had he left ME? No, he couldn't, he wouldn't have. Then I remembered what I had said to him as I had stormed out of my room that morning. I had told him to leave in a sense, and now he had gone and done it. Oh God, what have I done? How could I have said that? I never meant it; I never meant any of the hurtful things I said to him. It was my stupid pride, my dumb fear that had made me close myself off to him and made me want to hurt him just as much as he hurt me. Now he was gone, and it was all my fault.

All I wanted to do at that moment was to run out of my house, jump into my car and search for him. I wanted to run after him, apologise for everything I had said, tell him how I feel and have him against me. But no, I couldn't. I had something very important to attend to in half an hour and I had to focus. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, I pushed all my thoughts and panic about him into the back of my mind, and made my way back to school.

While walking back to school, I couldn't help myself from starting to doubt my wants. I didn't want to run after him anymore. Not immediately at least. This had to be two-sided, and not just me apologising. I wasn't all at fault; he had played his role in the hurtful battle and had left his fair share of wounds. He shouldn't have just left.

As I sat in my chair, with my midterm paper in front of me, I chewed nervously on my pen. I did my best to focus on compounds, on reactions and other things related to organic chemistry, but every so often, my mind wandered. I had sat in the lecture hall for the full allotted time, partly to ensure I did well on the test by looking it over, but also partly due to the fact that I knew once I got up from my chair, and made my way out of the lecture hall, I would have to deal with the mess I called my life. Time was up; I got up, handed in my paper, and slowly made my way out of the room.

I got home half an hour later, deciding to walk around for a while, to possibly clear my thoughts. I went up to my room immediately and went straight to bed. I was exhausted, both mentally and physically. My eyes began to feel heavy and I welcomed the rest. I lay on my bed, fully clothed, still in my jacket, when I fell asleep. I just wanted to forget the heartache, even if just for one night.

My peacefulness was cut short as I woke up; after only an hour or so of sleep. I managed just to lay there still for another hour, hoping that sleep would wash over me and I could return to the calm. But it was hopeless. How could I sleep when my mind was buzzing with questions and doubts? I had to see him, and I had to see where we stood. I was running back to him in a sense, even though I promised myself I would never let a guy run my life this way, but like I said before, this was different.

I got into my car and drove into the dark night. The city was alive with university students living their lives. Some were celebrating the end of midterm season; others were drowning their sorrows in pubs across the city, while I drove around, frantically searching my brain for where I could possibly find him. I tried calling him, although he never answered. The sound of his voice on his answering message made my breath catch in my throat. I had no idea what I was going to say to him, but I knew that I had to say something. If he was still even in the country, he wouldn't be here for much longer, and I didn't want him leaving without him knowing how I felt about him.

The first logical place I searched was the hotels around the city. Surprisingly enough, there weren't too many. I guess not too many people want to stay over night in Hamilton. Apart from the university, this city was best known for its steel refineries and its shady streets; nothing too appealing for tourists.

There were a total of three hotels in the city. I tried the first one, asking if a 'Harry Judd' had booked a room recently. I figured he didn't have to use any aliases while here in Canada, not many people knowing who he was. Nothing at the first hotel, but I found his booking at the second hotel.

"Can you tell me which room he is in?" I asked the receptionist, my face pink from the cold.

"No, I'm sorry, we cannot give out that kind of information" she replied coldly.

"Well, is there any way I can contact him?" I asked, getting rather desperate. If he was here, I had to talk to him. I had to go and see him.

"I can phone the room for you, let him know you're here and then work from there" she answered, in a slightly kinder tone, noticing my desperation.

"Please, that would be great. Thank you so much" I sighed in relief.

The receptionist proceeded to pick up the phone, punching in some numbers and standing in silence as the other end began to ring. It seemed like forever, me just standing there while I waited to hear something from him. The receptionist proceeded to put down the receiver, without speaking a word into it.

"I'm sorry, but he doesn't seem to be in. Would you like to leave a message?" she told me in a calm and soft voice.

Where was he? He booked a room and wasn't in? Was he avoiding me, not answering the phone? Or was he actually in the room, unable to answer the phone because he was preoccupied with something else, or should I say someone else? That thought alone, made me go weak, and had I not been in a lobby filled with people, I would have possibly broke down completely. But I didn't. I couldn't. I would not let him get the best of me.

"Yeah sure. Can you tell him I was here" I replied as I proceeded to tell her my name.

What was I going to do now? I couldn't just go home. I would drive myself crazy with worry. So I decided to stay.

"Mind if I just sit here in the lobby and wait for him?" I asked the receptionist.

"Sure. You can sit as long as you like. There are some couches over there" she said pointing to a set of soft brown leather couches.

I made my way over to the couches and took my place. I would wait. I would wait for him. I would sit here until he came back, or until he came down from his room. I just hoped that it wouldn't be too late for what we had; that I hadn't been stupid enough to push away a great guy.

I sat in that lobby for hours. 3 hours to be exact. It was nearing 2 o'clock in the morning and no sign of him. The lobby was empty, apart from the stray hotel occupant coming in from the cold, passing by me without glancing back. I was starting to get tired, I could feel my eyes closing as I sat on the couch. I rested my head in my hand and just continued to sit, closing my eyes slowly, unable to sit awake for a second longer. I was abruptly woken from my slumber by a loud laughing. I noticed the laugh. It was his. What was he so happy about? He didn't seem too upset at all. I looked at my watch, 2:26 a.m. Beautiful. I was here, completely heartbroken, waiting for him, while he was out until the late hours of the morning having a gay old time. I guess I meant less to him that I thought. Here comes the pain again, the little but sharp pang in my chest.

Then I heard it; a female laugh. A cackle almost. He wasn't alone. He was with someone, and a woman for that matter. How could he do this to me? He had already moved on and he didn't even waste a day. I looked up and saw him standing by the door, with his arm slung over her shoulders as she whispered something into his ear, to which he broke into a loud laugh. I felt the tears sting my eyes, but I pulled them back. I was not going to waste my tears on him. No more. He wasn't worth it. He didn't want me and he made that perfectly clear. I had to get out of that lobby; I didn't want to see him. I quickly picked up my jacket, throwing it over my shoulders, pulling the hood up over my head, trying to shield my face. There was only one door, and he was right by it. I had to get past him without him seeing me. So I made a dash for it. I began to walk quickly, hanging my head, focusing on the floor. I neared him and his female companion, the air suddenly filled with cheap perfume. He began to laugh again, and this time I was sure I was going to break down. I kept moving, almost in a jog, unable to get out of there fast enough. I passed him, almost brushing his shoulder on the way out. He didn't seem to notice, too preoccupied with his new conquest. I pushed through the revolving door, bursting out into the cold night. I stopped, taking a deep breath, trying to hold it together, willing myself not to cry.

I ran to my car that was parked in front of the hotel, frantically searching for my car keys. Why was it that when I wanted to make a great escape I could never find my keys? I suddenly felt a hand grab me by the shoulder and whip me around. I let out a loud scream as I began to shake. Then I was faced with my attacker and it was him. He stood in front of me, his stare burning into my eyes. I just stood there, catching my breath, unable to speak.

"What are you doing here?" he asked with disbelief in his voice.

"Nothing" I replied, "I was just leaving".

I made my attempt at turning around, just wanting to get into my car, to drive away, far away from all of this. But he turned me back around.

"Bullshit. Why the hell are you here?" He growled at me.

Should I just tell him? Tell him that I came here to get him back? To apologise to him for what I said? I came here to be with him. But that all changed when I saw him walk into the hotel lobby with that hussy. I didn't want to see him, and now that he was right in front of me, I fought every urge just to smack him across the face.

"Nothing. I came here initially to tell you I was sorry, but I can see that you're busy, so I'll leave you to it" I answered, not once breaking eye contact.

We stood there in silence, his hand still firmly grasping my upper arm. He then lifted his free hand to my free arm, grabbing my other side, and he pulled me in. He slammed his lips against mine and began to kiss me roughly. For a moment, it felt so good just to taste him again, but I was abruptly snapped back to reality, remembering the girl waiting for him inside. I lifted my arms from my side and placed them on his chest pushing him away from me violently.

"What the hell?" he asked in complete shock.

"Stop it Harry" I spat at him turning towards my car door again, putting my keys into the lock.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he yelled at me, as my back was turned to him.

"What's wrong with me? You're one to talk" I replied with slight amazement. Wrong with me? He had some nerve.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" He screamed at me.

"Why don't you just go back to your girl Harry? She seems to be lonely" I said in a flat tone, noticing the reflection of his conquest in my window, her just staring at us arguing outside.

"YOU came HERE remember? You said that you came here to apologise to me, so I kissed you. That was me forgiving you" he said a little quieter.

I fell silent. He had forgiven me for what I said, but how was I going to forgive him now for what he's done. He moved on so fast, not even a full day and he was already over me.

"Yeah well, when I saw you were busy with that bitch, I suddenly had a change of heart. I'm not sorry Harry. Everything I said this morning has been building up inside me ever since we started. I knew my instincts were right, I should have listened to them" I thought out loud, instantly regretting it a little. But truthfully, he had to hear it. He was only around me for the good times, for him I guess this was perfect, but for me, there were more imperfections than perfection.

I had stopped trying to unlock my car door. I just stood there, at my car, with my back to him, letting all my emotions spill out into the cold night. It was like a flood, the cracks in my protection growing weaker by the minute. He stepped closer to me; I could feel his breath on my neck.

"And what instincts were those" he said, his voice full of hate.

"Nothing. I have to go Harry. Please, I have to go" I said begging him to let me go.

"No, answer my fucking question. What fucking instincts was that?" he spit at me.

"Nothing" I answered quietly, hanging my head.

He grabbed my shoulder, whipping me around to face him. He clutched my face forcefully, pulling it up to meet his eyes.

"Answer my question" he stated again.

My eyes met his, and I had never seen him like this. It scared me. I didn't like this side of him and at that moment, he was not the Harry that I knew. His eyes were narrowed, his teeth clenched and his lips motionless. He just stared into me, with a tight hold on my shoulders. I couldn't bear to look at him, and for the first time, I let him see a single tear escape my eyes.

"We should have ended it back in the summer" I said in almost a whisper.

He let go of me, leaving me feeling heavy, almost unable to hold myself up. He stepped back, keeping his eyes on the pavement. He put his hands in his pockets and stood in silence. It wasn't a peaceful silence though, but almost as if everything inside him was building up, ready to explode. He brought his head up slowly, looking me dead in the eyes, and he spoke with such loathing that I felt my heart stop.

"Then why the hell did you stay with me? Why did you make up that stupid agreement?"

This was it. I had to tell him. I had to let him know just how much I had sacrificed, how much this arrangement had hurt me, and just how much HE had hurt me. I was going to tell him and there was no turning back. I summed up all my courage and brought my head up, meeting his stare.

"Because I liked you Harry. I liked you a lot, and I just wasn't ready to let it all end when it had only just begun" I spoke sternly, not letting my voice waiver as the emotions swept through me. He didn't say anything, he just stared at me, so I continued.

"But I knew that you were famous and that you had tons of girls throwing themselves at you. I knew that me being thousands of kilometres away and you being in the spotlight, it would be impossible for you to remain faithful. I had my life here and you had your life there, so I made it easy for you. I thought that if I can't have all of you, I could at least have a part of you" I spoke, doing my best to hold back the tears. He continued to stand there in silence.

"But I was stupid. I thought that you could change for me; that I could have been enough for you. That what we had, even though it was unconventional, would have been enough. But it wasn't, and that broke my heart Harry. You broke my fucking heart. You continued to sleep with other women Harry, and you didn't even try to hide it from me" I said, the sadness subsiding, being replaced with anger.

"You're such a hypocrite. I wasn't the only one who was unfaithful. You slept with other guys. You have all their numbers in your phone for Christ's sake. But the difference between me and you was that the women I slept with, which were two by the way, meant absolutely nothing to me. They happened for one night each, in our first month, when I had no idea where this was going. Nothing afterwards. Unlike you who acts like a fucking slut, sleeping with numerous guys, and when I brought it up, you just flaunted it in my face, thinking it had no effect on me.

I couldn't believe what he was saying. He didn't know anything. He had no idea what really happened when he was away, how much of a mess I was when he left. He called me a slut, shattering my heart in the process. How could someone that I felt so much for, cause me so much pain? I just stood there, speechless, unable to move.

"So how many of them did you sleep with huh? How many of them did you fuck?" he spat at me with venom in his voice.

He was getting closer; I could smell the alcohol on his breath. I suddenly became conscious of the fact that we were outside, and innocent passers-by were starting to stare. We were making a scene and everyone was watching. I dropped my head, unable to look at him anymore.

"Don't look away you slut, tell me. How many of them did you fuck? I want to know" he yelled again, not caring that people were starting to gather around, watching as my life came crashing down around me.

"It doesn't matter" I whispered.

"The hell it doesn't. I want to know. How many of them did you fuck?" he repeated.

I couldn't take it anymore. He was accusing me of something that seemed so dirty, so wrong that it made me sick. What hurt me even more was that he believed that I actually did it; that I was that person. He thought that I was a slut.

"None" I said.

"What?" he asked pulling my face towards his.

"None Harry. None of them. I didn't sleep with any of them. I haven't slept with anyone but you. Just you. It's always been you" I screamed in his face.

"What? But you said… and then you… what… why?" he blurted out, unable to form a complete sentence.

"Because Harry I had fallen for you, I had fallen hard and I didn't need anyone else. I didn't want anyone else. I only wanted to be with you. Always. I lov…" I couldn't finish my sentence, the tears were starting to form and my voice began to choke. I couldn't say it, he didn't deserve it. I turned around, unlocked the door, and got in. The engine started loudly and I sped off into the cold night, leaving him there alone. For the first time in so many years, I let myself cry.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10 – '... and more like a moat"**

I drove for what seemed like forever, my vision blurry from the tears that were cascading down my face. The music blared from the speakers, drowning out the sobs that I couldn't stop from escaping my mouth. I had never cried so hard before, and the longer I drove, the more I thought about what happened, and the more tears that continued to fall. A while ago, I had pulled into a deserted parking lot, unable to see the road in front of me due to the tears obstructing my view. I just sat there, letting my emotions flow out of me. I didn't want anyone to see me like this; I didn't want anyone to see me as anything else but strong. No one ever saw my weak side, and no one would. So I stayed in my car, not wanting to go home for fear of running into one of my housemates and having to answer their questions.

After two hours of gut wrenching sobbing and running my eyes dry, I finally made my way home. Sleep was starting to take over my body, and the sun was starting to come up in the sky, signalling for a new day. I felt the sun was so inappropriate; so bright and warm, when all I felt inside was dark and cold. I had had my heart ripped from my chest and stomped on by the one I cared most for. And what hurt the most was that he didn't even come after me. Not that he would have known where I was, but when I had finally got into the car and started to drive off, he just stood there, with his hands in his pockets, showing no emotion. I had poured my heart out to him and he just stood there. He just fucking stood there.

I pulled up to my house and made my way inside. All I wanted to do was sleep and forget everything. I started to make my way up the stairs, when Sapna appeared from the kitchen holding a mug of tea. She saw me and immediately noticed something was wrong. I don't know if it was the pale face, the red, puffy eyes, or the completely drained look I had on my face, but I'm sure she would have known something was wrong regardless of the physical aspects.

"Hey. Where were you all night? Are you ok?" she asked full of concern.

"I was out. I don't really want to talk about it, I just need some sleep" I replied flatly, continuing to make my way up the stairs.

"I saw him leave yesterday. I was here when he packed up his things and left" she said abruptly, yet cautiously, as if she was trying not to break something very fragile.

I stopped dead in my tracks. Just at the simple mention of him, a tear escaped my eyes. I shut them hard, furiously wiping my face trying to make it stop. I had to tell Sapna what happened, but I just wasn't ready. Not yet at least. All I wanted was my bed and just some peace. Not even turning around I began to speak in a calm and low voice.

"Yeah he left" I told her, and then continued to quickly make my way up the stairs.

I could hear her voice as I turned the corner, ignoring it. I had finally made my way to my room and I let out a low sigh. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it, resting the back of my head on it. I glanced around my room, and it just felt so empty. All the same things were in it; all my shelves, books, desk, TV, bed and clothing, yet it felt completely empty. I walked over to the window, pulling the blinds shut, wanting to be in complete darkness, matching the state of my mind. My bed seemed so inviting and I stumbled my way over to it, shedding my jacket in the process. I pulled the covers up and slid in, letting the warmth engulf me. I fell asleep immediately, a lifetime's worth of heartache draining me from all my strength. It was a peaceful sleep and I welcomed it.

I woke in the afternoon, the sun shining brightly through my curtains. I was still in my clothing from last night. They were stale, sticky slightly and I felt dirty. My face hurt, every muscle aching as I stretched. I just wanted to lay here. Still. Completely silent. I liked being still in the dark, it left me to my own thoughts and right now, I needed to work things out in my mind. I had to wrap my head around the fact that we were over, and that he made it perfectly clear how he felt about me. Just thinking about it again, made my heart ache. So I just laid there, for hours and felt myself drowning in my emotions, but I needed this. I had to come to terms with all of this, before I could forget about it, and move on as if it never happened.

But the truth was, I didn't want to forget about it. I had wanted this to go on forever, and now that it was over, I was in disbelief. How had things gone so quickly from bliss to complete misery? It was from the foundation of our relationship, it was never strong, no matter how much I had willed it to be. After another hour of lying in my bed, I had decided that I wasn't going to wallow in my own filth and pity, I needed to get on with it and focus all my time on something else. Maybe if I kept myself busy enough, then I would be able to move on. I hope.

I rolled out of bed, still in yesterday's clothing and made my way slowly to the bathroom. The house was quiet, my housemates were out. I was alone, yet again; this was starting to become a trend in my life, and I almost welcomed it. I needed some time to myself; I needed to sort everything out without the interference of others. This had to be all me.

In the shower, I let the hot water wash away the pain, the memories from last night. I just stood there for what seemed like forever, never wanting to leave my hot cocoon. After the shower I got dressed and sat at my desk. I was going to study, work on research, organize my notes; anything to keep myself busy. But after only 5 minutes into the plan, I kept catching myself glancing around, everything here reminding me of him. This was my room, and he had only ever been here a couple of times, but it all still reminded me of him. I couldn't sit here with all these distractions, I had to leave.

So I decided for school. It was Saturday, so the campus would be empty and I could get some real work done. I could just go and hide, disappear from the world for a couple of hours. It was mid-afternoon as I stepped out of my house, the sun still high in the sky, shining down intensely on me. I just pulled my hood up over my head, shielding my face from the cold, and put my music on. I marched on, off to hide, off to drown myself in work and away from the torment that was waiting for me in my life.

I sat in the library basement for hours. I was one of about 5 people in the library, tucked away in a secluded corner. I blasted my music in my ears, drowning out the noise from the outside world. I didn't play any sad or depressing music; I had loud, angry music pumping through the earphones. I was not going to wallow, and listening to sad music was a sure fire way of falling into that hole. I sat in the library until closing. It was midnight and everyone had left. I couldn't stay here anymore; I had to face my life and head home. At least it was late and I could just go to bed when I got home. I would face tomorrow when it came. One day at a time for now, until I was ready.

The night was even colder than the day, the previous night, and anytime I had remembered from before. Maybe it was the weather, but I had a feeling it had to do with the emptiness inside me. It was cold on the outside and now, the same was true for the inside. I was an empty shell, walking through the dark streets, put together ever so gently; so fragile that a soft breeze could blow past me and shatter this shell back into a million pieces.

I shivered as I turned onto my street, thinking it to be the frigid night air getting to me initially, but then I saw the slumped figure on my patio steps and was stopped dead in my tracks. I could recognize that silhouette from kilometres away, and that's when I remembered to breathe again. What was he doing here? What did he want? I contemplated turning around and walking away. I wasn't ready to deal with this; I wasn't ready to see him again. But where was I supposed to go? I wasn't going to run away; this was my home, my street, my city, my country, MY LIFE. I was not going to let him control me anymore.

But I couldn't move. I just stood frozen to my spot for what seemed like ages. I had to go home sometime, and it didn't seem like he was leaving anytime soon, so I started to walk. Slowly at first, hesitation holding each step as my feet hit the pavement. I began to speed up; I wasn't ready to talk to him, I couldn't face it, so I decided I would just walk past him and speed into the house. No words, no actions, no glances. I would just walk right past him and pretend he wasn't there.

I lowered my head as I got closer, feeling the tears sting my eyes, freezing slightly as they hit the skin of my cold cheeks. I got to the steps and I heard him shift slightly, feeling his presence as he stood up in front of me, blocking my way. I stopped moving, but I didn't say anything. I just stood there, with my gaze intently fixed on the wood of my steps. I could hear him breathe, feel his warm breath on my skin. It was slow and deep, each time sounding as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders. I could smell the alcohol on his breath, and I knew he had been drinking a lot since he was swaying slightly side to side, bracing himself on the railing. We stood like that for a long while, neither one of us wanting to break the silence.

"Where were you?" he spoke quietly, his speech slightly slurred.

I hesitated. Just the sound of his voice was too painful to hear. I didn't hear the soft and kind voice I had dreamt about, but I remembered the screaming and yelling, the vicious tone from the previous night. He had changed, and I didn't see him as the caring and gentle Harry anymore, not my Harry anymore. I didn't speak. I couldn't; knowing that as soon as I opened my mouth, the voice that would escape would be too frail and would break and crack, revealing my weakness.

"Please, talk to me" he said again, a little quieter this time.

He brought his hand up to my shoulder, but I immediately shrugged it off. I had never wanted to avoid his touch before, but now it was like venom, poison to me. I heard him sigh loudly in frustration, but the hurt was also evident.

"Please, where were you? I was worried about you" he asked again.

I could hear his voice waiver at the end. He was breaking, and just hearing him like this, was making me break as well. I shouldn't feel sympathetic for him. I should be fuming; I should yell at him, tell him he's a fucking bastard and what he did was inexcusable. But that wouldn't be me. I was always the one that felt bad for people, even if they didn't deserve it.

"Out" I said in an almost inaudible tone.

It was all I could manage to spit out. Anything more and I would have broken down right there. I started to make my way back up the stairs, wanting to get into the warmth of my house, and away from him. This was all too much. Pushing past him, cringing slightly at his touch, I made my way up the stairs.

"Wait" he said more forcefully, stopping me dead in my tracks.

I didn't turn around; I just stood there with my back towards him. I heard his footsteps thump loudly on the wooden steps. He was coming closer and I started to shake. My nerves were getting the best of me. Even when I hated him, he still had this effect on me. He made me go weak all over and I wished he hadn't. I wish I could stop him from having this power over me, all of me, but it was no use.

"I miss you" he whispered in my ear, apprehensively placing his hands on my hips.

I couldn't breath. My heart had stopped with his touch and I was a goner.

"Stop it Harry. You're drunk" I said quietly.

I pulled out of his clutches and stepped forward. Somehow I had managed to pull it together to tell him to stop. Where that courage came from I had no idea, but I was relieved to have it. I had something that kept me strong and I was very thankful for it.

"I may be, but it doesn't change the fact that I miss you" he said, getting closer to me again.

His face was centimetres away from my ear and I could hear his breathing, feel the warmth against my neck, sending shivers down my body. How was it that I hated his guts, but wanted to jump his bones all at the same time? I fought every urge in my body. I fought the urge to jump him, wrap my arms around him and kiss him furiously. I also fought the urge to slap him hard across the face, to hurt him physically for everything he did to me.

"Stop it. Stop it Harry" I said a little more forcefully this time.

"Stop what?" he asked, and I heard him chuckle, "Stop this?" he asked, bringing his lips in contact with my neck.

His lips felt amazing against my skin; soft and hot as they worked their way up towards my ear. My head rolled back as the pleasure washed over me. My brain snapped me back from the ecstasy, reminding me of the pain I had endured for the past two days, and I stopped him. I grabbed his hands and dropped them to his side and stepped forward. I quickly spun around and looked him dead in the eyes. That courage, which had snuck up on me before, was back and back with a vengeance.

"Stop it Harry. You don't have the right to do that anymore, you don't have the right to say those things anymore" I said full of hate in my voice.

"What is that supposed to mean?" he asked me, his eyes filled with hurt.

"You lost the right when you called me a slut, when you doubted me, when you LEFT me. You lost the right Harry, when you broke my fucking heart" I said, the tears reappearing in my eyes.

"Please don't cry" he said in a soothing tone, and he approached me, bringing his hands to my face.

"Stop it. I mean it Harry" I spat at him, shaking free from his hold.

"How can you push me away like this?" he asked me, keeping his distance. "I'm sorry for everything. You told me you had fallen for me, you told me last night. Doesn't that mean anything?" he continued to talk.

It didn't mean anything? Again, how could he ask such a thing? That was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do; to pour my heart out to him like that. Fear of rejection was running through my head, the fear of loosing him and having it all over. Well my darkest fears came true. He hadn't reciprocated the feelings and he let me leave.

"They meant everything to me. I meant every word, but you blew it Harry. We had one fight and you ran into the arms of another woman, not even 24 hours after leaving me" I said in a serious tone. I wanted to get my point across to him. I wanted him to see the damage he had caused.

"I never left YOU. YOU told ME to leave. And she meant nothing" he began to reply with pleading in his voice.

"It doesn't matter what she meant to you, if she meant anything. The fact is you went to her, and you stayed with her, instead of coming after me. You had a choice to make, and you made the wrong one. Now you have to deal with that" I told him, the hurt flooding back in humongous waves.

"I didn't choose her. I sent her home right after you sped off. I wanted to follow you, but even if I tried I would have never found you. I thought you needed to cool off. So I came tonight. You weren't here. I choose you. I do. Really. I want all of you. I want you with me. I want to be with you, all the time, and only you" He began to speak quickly, as if the words were spilling out of his mouth.

I had waited so long just to hear him say this to me. He was telling me everything I wanted to hear; everything I had dreamed of. Then why wasn't it enough? Why couldn't I forgive him? He had hurt me too much.

"I can't" I said in such a low whisper that I thought he wouldn't hear me.

"Please, don't say that. You are everything to me, and you are more than enough. You make me better and I just want to be with you. Please don't throw this away" he continued to speak, emotion breaking his voice.

"Please, don't. I can't. Not now. You hurt me so much," I said through silent sobs.

"I have to. I can't let you walk out of my life," he breathed, getting close to me once again.

"I can't be with you, not now at least" I said looking away from him.

I started to walk in through the door, my emotions were overwhelming me and I couldn't stand out there any longer.

"I'll wait then," I heard him say, stopping me instantly. "I'll do whatever it takes to be with you. I'll wait for you, until you can forgive me and be with me again. I will wait, because I love you" he said the last part so quietly; I could have mistaken it for the wind.

That was my breaking point. I got inside and abruptly closed the door behind me and locked it. I leaned against it, sliding down to the floor, letting the tears fall as I began to sob. He had finally said everything I wanted. He had given himself to me, and I shut the door in his face. I just couldn't find it in me to forgive him. Not yet.

"I'm not leaving" I heard him say through the door.

My heart fluttered as I heard a large thump against the door. I could imagine him, mirroring my position on the other side of the door, slumped over with his knees to his chest. He was going to wait.

He sat out there for 2 hours. He sat out in the freezing night and waited. He waited for me. I wasn't going to let him die out there. He had earned back some trust from me. I wasn't forgiving him, but I may have been on my way to that.

I unlocked the door quietly, and opened it, looking down to find him curled up against the side of the house, shivering as his arms wrapped around his body. His lips were a shade of blue and his cheeks were pink and slightly tear-stained. He looked so fragile and weak that my heart broke all over again. He had suffered for me.

"Come in" I said quietly, standing to the side of the door, letting him in.

He looked up at me with hopeful eyes, and jumped to his feet. He started to walk towards me, lifting his arms slightly, willingly me to take him in an embrace, but I stopped him.

"This doesn't mean anything, I just don't want you to freeze out there" I said with little emotion in my voice.

"I understand" he replied sounding defeated.

That night, Harry slept on the couch downstairs, while I slept in my room. Alone. I didn't sleep though; I just lay awake, replaying everything that had happened in the past couple of days. And then it hit me; he loved me. He had told me that he loved me, but I wasn't ready to say it back.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11 – 'The rhythm of my footsteps…'**

The next morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. Getting out of bed meant having to go downstairs and facing him. After everything that was said over the last couple of days, everything that happened last night, we were different. Everything seemed different. But I couldn't avoid him forever, he was in my house and I wasn't going to hide up in my room all day. So I did what I had to do. I got up, took a quick shower and got dressed. I made my way down the stairs, only the sound of my footsteps filling the house. Everyone was still asleep; it was only 7am after all.

Walking through the hallway, past the living room, I stopped. He was still asleep, laying there peacefully, deep in slumber. I looked at his face; it was contorted slightly, with a painful expression on it. His eyes were shut lightly, fluttering slightly every once in a while. His mouth was curled down faintly, deep breaths escaping his lips. Just looking at him I knew my feelings for him were still there. They were still very strong, but they were buried now; they were buried under my feelings of hurt and betrayal. I had to work past it though, because at that moment I realized it would be harder to live my life without him in it. But it would take time to let him back in, and if what he said was true, I hope he is willing to wait for me.

I snapped back from my staring and went into the kitchen. I was famished; not having eaten much the day before, too preoccupied with other things. I opened the fridge, pulling out orange juice and some bread. I just wanted some toast, nothing too big, feeling slightly sick to my stomach. As I was buttering the toast, I heard the floor creak by the door to the kitchen. I didn't dare turn around, hoping that it wasn't him.

"Hey" I heard the figure speak. It was Sapna. Thank God.

"Hi" I replied.

"So, I see that Harry's back. You do know he's sleeping on the couch right?" she asked, laughing slightly, seeing the whole situation as absurd.

"Yeah I know" I told her coldly.

"Why is he there? You two are usually at it like rabbits. Did something happen" she asked.

She already knew the answer, but she didn't want to seem intrusive. She knew that I would tell her in my own time, and this was her way of letting me know that she was ready to listen.

"Yeah it did, and you knew that" I said while making my way over to the table with my breakfast.

"Yeah I did, sorry, but I didn't want to push you".

"Yeah I know, and thank you for that", I said looking at her, while taking a bite of my breakfast.

There was a long silence. I sat there eating my toast, drinking my juice, while she just sat looking at her hands.

"So do you want to talk about it" she asked me, breaking the calm in the room.

I let out a long sigh, putting down my toast and wiping my hands on the napkin. I could sense the over-whelming feeling washing over me again, the one where I couldn't control the tears and the things that came out of my mouth.

"He left Sapna" I said, looking down at my hands.

"I know. I was here, but he's here now" she told me soothingly, rubbing her hand around in circles on my back.

"You don't understand. He left. He left me. We had an argument about out agreement…"

"Stupid agreement" I heard her mumble under her breath, interrupting me.

"I know, I know, stupid agreement, but nonetheless, we had an argument and he left. I went after him that night Sapna, and I found him, but he wasn't alone. He had run into the arms of another woman on the same day that he left me" I said through silent tears.

"Shh, it's ok" she said trying to calm me down. "But why is he here now then?" she asked all confused.

"Because, he came to get me back last night. He told me he loved me", I replied.

"Oh", was all that left her mouth.

"Sapna, I said some things that night when I went to find him. I told him how I felt about him and how much I wanted to be with him" I told her quietly.

"And what happened?" she asked.

"Nothing. I left and he didn't come after me" I said, dropping my head.

"And if I could take that back I would" I heard a low voice say. I looked up and saw him standing in the doorway. I began to shake nervously, Sapna dropping her arm from around me.

There was an awkward silence that filled the kitchen. I didn't dare look up; I just sat with my head hanging, focusing on the hem of my shirt as I fiddled with it. I felt Sapna shift beside me, getting up slowly from her spot on the chair.

"I'll just go upstairs" she said, leaving us in complete silence.

He just stood there at the door, across the kitchen from me. He breathed in deeply, sighing as he exhaled. He began to shuffle across the tile floor, dragging his feet along the way. I looked up at him, taking in his image. His clothes were wrinkled, hanging limply off his body. His hair was messy, but it still looked amazing. His face was drawn, pale with dark circles under his eyes. He looked like death, and it was because of me. I felt slightly guilty for causing him so much pain, but at the same time I felt a little reprieved, knowing that he had suffered a little after causing me to suffer as well.

It was too awkward between us. Normally we had no problems talking to each other, but now each word spoken between us felt like a battle, carrying the weight of the possible destruction of our fragile existence with it.

"Good morning" he said quietly, not knowing where to start.

"Morning", I replied, focusing back onto the food in front of me.

"I meant what I said" he stated in a low whisper.

"I know" I responded. "But you can't change it".

"I know" he said sounding defeated.

I got up, taking my plate with me, my appetite leaving me. He was leaning against the counter by the sink and I made my way over to it, placing my plate in the sink. He cringed slightly at the loud clank of the dish hitting the metal sink basin. I looked up, noticing him in a lot of pain. I guess he drank more than I thought he had. He was feeling the after-effects of the alcohol and he looked the part.

I brushed past him, shivering slightly as we touched, and opened the fridge, pulling out a bottle of water. I then walked over to one of the cabinets, standing on my tip-toes to reach the high shelf, taking the bottle of Advil. While making my way around the kitchen, I could feel his stare burning into me. He intently watched my every move, his eyes following me as I made my way around.

I finally turned to him; with a bottle of water in one hand and the Advil bottle in the other. Thrusting my hands towards him, he took them from me.

"Here. Take two of these", I instructed, turning my back to him, continuing to do my task in the kitchen.

"Thanks", he croaked back, unscrewing the top of the bottle and shaking two caplets out. I could hear him gulp as he downed the bottle of water.

"Would you like some toast for breakfast, or something else?" I asked, pulling out the bag of bread, and popping two pieces into the toaster.

"Toast is fine" he replied, leaning back against the counter.

I continued to keep myself busy with preparing the toast, walking over to the fridge, taking out the butter, grabbing another glass, pouring some juice, and spreading the butter on the toast. I kept my eyes down, avoiding his gaze as I walked past him several times.

I placed his food on a plate and carried it over to the table, putting it down quietly, trying not to make any unnecessary noise. I turned back around and saw him making his way over. I went to sit down, but felt his hand on my shoulder hesitantly. I froze.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" he asked softly.

"Because" I said. I didn't really know why I was doing this, I just was.

"You don't have to. You have every right to be upset, and like I said last night, I will wait for you to forgive me" he spoke with such tenderness, that I felt my knees go weak.

I sat down, motioning for him to do the same.

"I know I don't have to, but I want to" I replied, being taken back by my own answer. I guess Harry was shocked as well, because I heard him cough sharply as he choked slightly on his toast.

"But why? Last night you told me you couldn't" he asked, dropping his voice when he brought up the previous night's events.

"I know, and I still can't, not fully just yet, but I can't bear being anything but caring towards you" I said, letting all my emotions out yet again. I couldn't believe I was risking it all again, after being hurt so badly the last time I did, not so long ago.

He got up out of his chair and rushed to my side. He placed his arm around me and pulled me in close.

"No, stop Harry", I pulled out of his arms and stood up.

"But", he protested.

"I wanted this to work" I whispered, dropping my head again.

"So do I, and we still can", he pleaded, looking me straight in the eyes.

"I…I… don't…", I couldn't seem to get any words out. Here it was happening again, I had so much to say, yet everything was stuck in my throat.

"Please, don't say that", he said, getting up and grabbing my hand.

He held it ever so gently, stroking the back of it with his thumb. He placed his finger under my chin and lifted it slowly, bringing my eyes in contact with his stare. He then slowly, allowing me time to pull away, brought his face closer to mine, placing his lips so softly on mine and kissed me. I didn't pull away, I couldn't. He continued to have a way with me, and now I was becoming exactly what I had promised myself I would never become; I was forgiving someone who had hurt me badly, and I was forgiving him too quickly.

With all these thoughts rushing through my head, I almost missed how good it felt to kiss him again. It had only been two and a half days since we had our falling out, but I had undoubtedly missed him. I pulled out of the kiss and stepped back. Silent tears were running down my cheeks and I wiped them away furiously, not really wanting him to see me any more broken. There was a long silence, neither one of us knowing what to say.

"Listen, I have to go to work", I stated, glancing towards the door of the kitchen.

"Oh", was all that escaped his mouth. "Well, I'll be out of here in a few minutes, I'll just get my stuff…" he began, not once looking at me.

"No", I said, grabbing his arm gently. "You don't have to leave, you can just stay here" I said, shocking myself slightly.

"But, I thought…" he started to say.

"I know. I know what I said, but I want you to stay", I whispered.

Harry didn't say anything, he just stood there, and my hand was still on his arm. Suddenly feeling self-conscious, I dropped my hand from his arm and started fiddling with the hem of my shirt again.

"Well in that case, I will", he said softly.

I couldn't help the smile that crept up on my face, but I quickly wiped it off and turned around, making my way for the door.

"Wait, you really have to work on a Sunday afternoon?" he asked me in disbelief.

I chuckled under my breath and turned around.

"Yeah, I do".

"Well, ok. But you do know I'll still be here when you get back" he said, with apprehension in his voice.

"I'm glad", I stated and I left the kitchen, making my way upstairs to get ready for work. Things were slowly getting better between Harry and I, but there was still that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just couldn't shake.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12 – '…crossing flood lands…'**

Work was long. I worked in Toronto, answering phones for a 24 hour service. It was a good job; good pay, easy hours, and it gave me a lot of time to do my schoolwork. I was distracted the whole time while at work; the phone calls were a blur and the time passed far too quickly. I didn't get as much work done as I would have hoped, but that was inevitable. I wasn't getting as much work done lately all together come to think of it. But I knew why.

The countdown had begun. Harry was only going to be here for another 10 days, and I wanted to make the most of it. We had already wasted too much time, and I wanted things to get back to the way they were. I wanted to be happy to see him; I wanted to want him as much as I had before. But there was that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just couldn't ignore. Would I be able to put everything that happened and everything that was said behind me? Would I be able to really forgive him? Right now, it seemed impossible; but something inside me really wanted to, so that had to be a sign right? Things would be different now, but maybe it would be for the better.

Driving back home on the highway, at midnight, was soothing. I loved to drive; just driving around at night as the lights flickered past me was comforting. It made all the hurt and crap that was going on in my life seem like a million miles away. So I drove; I drove fast and long.

The drive from Toronto to Hamilton was about an hour long, so when I pulled up into my driveway at around 1am, I figured everyone would be asleep. I was tired; not sleeping well for three nights had run its toll on me. I was going to sleep well tonight, knowing that all was not lost between Harry and me, and eventually, hopefully, things would get better.

I didn't even bother taking off my jacket, walking up the stairs heavily as each step seemed higher and steeper. I walked to my room, opening the door quietly, and headed straight for the closet. I began to undress, wanting to just crawl into my warm bed. Tomorrow was going to be a heavy day; I had to finally really face Harry and put everything out in the open.

"I know I've seen you naked before, but do you give a peep-show to everyone that sits in your room?" I heard a low voice speak.

"Shit!" I screamed.

I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of his voice, and quickly pulled a shirt up to my chest, covering my nakedness. I was turning red again; the blood rushing furiously to my face. I was trembling and trying to catch my breath.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" he spoke more softly this time, from his sitting position on my bed.

"What are you doing up here?" I asked him confused. It was a little weird seeing him on my bed again. It had seemed like a lifetime had passed since the last time we were here together.

"Oh. Sorry. Everyone went to bed, and I felt awkward sitting downstairs in your house, so I came up here. Figured I could wait for you here" he explained, getting up off the bed, suddenly seeming uncomfortable.

"Oh" was all I said.

This was so weird. What were we now? Should he be up in my room? Should he be sitting on my bed like that? Should I be standing in front of him without a top on? OH SHT! I was still standing here, shameless, covering my chest with only a t-shirt. I felt the blood rush to my face yet again and I turned around quickly.

"Can you turn around for a second" I asked him quietly.

"Seriously?" he asked in disbelief.

I looked over my shoulder, and for the first time since entering the room I caught his gaze.

"Yes" was all I said turning my head back around.

"I've seen you with even less on" he mumbled under his breath, but I caught every word.

"Harry, please, just do it" I said a little more forcefully this time, not even looking back.

He just sighed in frustration and I heard him shuffle as he turned his back to me. I quickly slid the shirt over my head and turned to face him.

"Done" I stated as I made my way over to my desk.

There was that silence again, awkward as ever. It just seemed to creep up on us nowadays, and it was unbearable. He was the first to break the silence, and I was grateful.

"So how was work?"

"Long and boring" I replied, not really knowing what else to say.

Normally, I would give him a long answer, telling him about what happened with my co-workers or joke about some of the phone calls I got, but now it just seemed inappropriate. Were we ready to joke about things again? Initially, that's all we did. We were never serious in the beginning of our 'courtship' you could say; and that's what drew me to him, his sense of humour and how happy I felt around him. It was all too serious now, and I just wanted to go back to how we were in the beginning. But I had messed up from the beginning, we both had, and now I was facing the consequences.

I was never going to forget what happened these past couple of days, I don't think it would have been healthy to, but maybe I could move past it? I wanted to, but like I said before, there was something holding me back, and I couldn't ignore it.

"So", he spoke again.

"What were you up to?" I asked, genuinely curious as to what he had done while I was gone.

"Nothing really. I took a shower, I hope you don't mind, and then I watched some TV" he answered.

"I don't mind. I told you you could stay, and I have to say, you didn't look or smell so great this morning, so I'd say you made the right choice" I joked hesitantly, hoping that it really wasn't too soon.

"Oh well thanks, you're too kind" he answered through quiet laughter.

Relief washed over me. He responded to my joke, and a little normalcy was restored to this situation.

"I went to get some pizza for us earlier in the night; I thought you would have been home earlier. I gave it your housemates later on when they told me you worked until midnight" he told me.

"That was really nice of you Harry" I said, letting out a soft sigh.

"Anyways, I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you're tired and want to go to bed. It's ok if I sleep on the couch again right?" he asked, heading towards the door.

"Right" I answered in a low whisper.

"Right" he sighed out defeated, grabbing for the handle.

He was being kind, slow and understanding. He was waiting like he promised; breaking my heart, yet making it flutter with hope all at the same time. My sweet Harry was back and I was glad. Suddenly, this feeling built up in my stomach and pushed me to my feet, running towards the door as he was just about to close it behind him.

"I'm still hungry" I said to him, causing him to turn around quickly.

"Always thinking with your stomach now aren't you?" he said jokingly.

"And that's why you love me" I said abruptly, stopping immediately, realizing just what I had said.

I dropped my head quickly, and backed away from the door. Thoughts were rushing through my head, thinking of a way I could get myself out of this. I hadn't meant to say it, it just slipped out; it was an expression, people said it all the time. In this situation however, it was different; this simple phrase carried the weight of the world on it, and I had just blew it by blurting it out.

I didn't dare look at Harry, unable to bear to see the expression on his face. I had told him to wait, and here I was rushing back into things. I really didn't mean to say it. I was finally coming to terms with the way things were going, but now it was too late. I couldn't take back what I had said. I kept backing up, it seemed like forever, willing for the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

I felt a pair of strong arms catch my shoulders as I started to fall back. I looked up at him and his blue eyes were staring intently into my own. I quickly looked away, feeling slightly uncomfortable under his gaze. I held my breath, waiting for him to speak, fearing what might be carried with his words. I wanted him to say something, to break this awkward silence, but also to not say a word all at the same time.

"I do" he whispered softly, pulling me back up into a standing position.

My heart stopped and my breath caught in my throat. He was saying exactly what I wanted to hear, everything a girl would ever want, but I just couldn't say it back. It was all too soon and too fast again. Had I really forgotten about the hurt of the last couple of days? I was falling back into his arms and I knew that if I did too quickly, I would hate myself for it.

I cleared my throat and straightened my clothing, pulling out of his hold. I turned around and headed for the door. He didn't follow me.

"I'm still hungry, how about that food you promised me Judd?" I said trying to sound as nothing had just happened, not daring to look back in case he saw right through me.

"Oh yeah", he said pausing shortly as he exhaled deeply, "of course. How could I forget?" he finished.

"I think you owe me dessert now to make up for it" I mentioned in passing, hoping that we could put that little scene from my room behind us.

"Of course, anything you want" he said a little more cheerfully. "Although, I don't know what is going to be open at this hour of the night in Hamilton" he said with a low laugh.

"I'm sure we could find something" I stated, grabbing my keys from the table and making my way out of the house, Harry following me. He made his way to my car, as I locked the door. I turned around and saw Harry standing at the driver's side. I was confused for a second and then remembered HIS car.

"So you want to drive Judd?" I asked teasingly.

"What?" he asked, shooting his head up looking baffled.

"This is my side" I said walking up to the driver's side, shoving him lightly away from the door.

"Oh, shit, sorry. Right, you guys drive on the WRONG side of the road don't you now?" he answered, finally clicking in to the situation.

"Us and the rest of the world then I suppose", I answered, unlocking the door. He laughed in a low tone.

He began to make his way over to the other side, grabbing the handle. He got in, looked at me and gave me a soft smile. I couldn't help but smile back. I started up the car and shift into first gear. As we made our way down the road towards the convenience store, the only thing open at this time of the night, I kept stealing glances of him, feeling myself heat up every time I did. If I had doubted my feelings for him at any point, thinking I had lost them, this was reaffirmation that they were still there. He still made me blush when I looked at him, and when he smiled at me; I couldn't help but smile back. Now I just had to deal with the nagging in my head, telling me, if it happened once, what is stopping it from happening again?


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13 – '…to your door…'**

Harry had bought me ice-cream, as promised, and we ended up just sitting in my car, in the convenience store parking lot, as I finished my dessert. The conversation wasn't completely awkward, just slight patches of hesitance, which I did my best to steer clear of. Not much had changed in my life during our falling out, so we mostly just talked about him. Since his arrival, we hadn't had a chance to really catch up, so he filled me in on things that were going on with his band, his family etc; his life without me. It was painful at times to hear about the great things he got to experience in his other life, but I knew that I couldn't change that, and I just had to accept that. What mattered was he was here now.

Then it hit me, he wouldn't be here for much longer. We had wasted three precious days with our stupid argument but at the same time, I was happy that it had happened; bringing all my doubts out into the open. At least they were out in the open now; I didn't have to pretend with being ok when Harry leaves. But yet again, there was that nagging, lodged permanently in my head, tapping lightly every time I wanted to forgive him fully.

"Hey, am I boring you or something?" I heard Harry's voice, breaking my train of thought, while his hand waved slowly in front of my face.

I must have stopped responding to his story when I got lost in my own thoughts.

"Shit sorry, no, I just… uh… never mind. Sorry, what were you saying?" I asked, trying to focus in on the conversation, and not on my own paranoia.

"Where were you just now?" he asked me.

"Oh no… what? What do you mean?" I responded, trying to take the attention off of me.

"You seemed like you were a million miles away, you looked sad, what were you thinking about?" he asked me, gently touching his hand to mine, sending shivers all the way up my arm.

"Nowhere, so you were saying…" I answered, persisting to keep the topic off me. I had already thought about myself too much lately, so I just wanted to keep my mind busy.

"You know, you're such a bad liar" he chuckled lightly.

"What? What do you mean?" I asked, shocked a little.

"Well first of all, when you lie you go a slight shade of pink, which isn't really all that abnormal for you but…", he stated.

"Hey!", I protested.

"Aw, but I think it's cute", he said, making the heat rise to my face yet again, as he put his hand to my cheek.

I suddenly felt a little uncomfortable, that nagging voice reappearing in my head. I shrugged off his touch, and leaned back a little in the seat, realizing just how close we were sitting. He looked a little hurt that I had pulled away, but he didn't seriously think I was going to let him back in so quickly did he? There was that awkward silence again. It was moments like these I wish I could curl up into a little ball and disappear.

"…and you have melted ice-cream all over the front of your jacket", he broke the silence, lightening the mood immediately.

"Oh, shit, shit , shit" I cursed.

I quickly threw the rest of the cone out the window, and began to clean up the mess that was once my jacket. I was getting melted ice cream all over my hands, it was just spreading everywhere. Harry had jumped out of the car to run and get some napkins from the store. He was back within moments, and was helping me clean it up. My hair was all over my face; I was trying not to get any melted ice cream on my face as I swept the hair from my eyes with the back of my hand. I must've been unsuccessful, because when we were finished cleaning up; Harry just stared at me and laughed.

"What?" I asked, wiping my face furiously, trying to get rid of the mess.

"You just look so adorable", he sighed, a soft grin breaking onto his face.

I dropped my head. He was being so sweet. It was hard to be upset with him, let alone to try and keep my hands off him. He was just being everything a girl wanted, and damn him, it was what I wanted. We had to have the talk. It was inevitable. And what better time was it to have this serious conversation than at 1:30 in the morning in a convenience store parking lot?

"Listen Harry…", I spoke, not lifting my head.

I heard him sigh heavily, but I continued on.

"We're going to have to talk about it eventually. If you want this to work…"

"I do" he interrupted me, grabbing my hand gently. I paused, getting caught off guard by his touch.

"Me too. I really do, but it was too hard for me before Harry, way too hard. I can't go back to that", I said, finally putting into words what I had been feeling for months.

He put his finger under my chin, pulling it up gently so my eyes met his. We just stared at each other for a moment, neither one of us wanting to break the first comfortable silence we had experienced in a while. He began to caress my jaw line with his thumb ever so gently, making me weak all over. I could feel his breath dance across my face, we were getting closer. My heart was starting to race, breathing becoming erratic.

"Harry, stop" I said quietly.

"But why?" he asked, pulling back, dropping his hand from my face.

"You have no idea of the effect you have on me…" I start to say.

"You drive me crazy" he interrupted again, "but in the best way possible".

Here he went again; being all sweet and caring, making me swoon with his words. My heart flutters, and increases in speed as it races away with my emotions. I couldn't help it any longer, at that moment, knowing how much he wanted me and how much I clearly still wanted him; I let myself indulge, just for a moment.

I leaned across the seat and placed my lips upon his as my hand caught his face. He responded immediately, massaging his lips against mine, tasting him as his tongue swept across my lip. He grabbed me by the waist, lifting me up further across the seat, closer to him. The heat in the car began to rise as the tension between us was finally cut. He brought his hand to the back of my head, pushing me in further, the pressure on my lips so strong yet appropriate. I wanted to be so close to him, being unable to just kiss him for three days was unbearable, and now I was realizing just how much I missed this. I pushed into him forcefully one last time, savouring his taste as I pulled away breathless. His hand still firmly on the back of my head, he went to pull me in again, but I resisted.

"No, don't pull away" he whispered into my lips.

"I'm sorry Harry, I shouldn't have done that, but I couldn't help myself", I explained.

"It's quite alright", he smirked, "I don't mind you doing it again".

"But see, that's what I mean Harry, this is the effect you have on me" I said sadly, looking down as I slid back into my seat.

"And what is so wrong with wanting to kiss me?" he asked sarcastically.

"Nothing; but now, I should want to hit you, scream at you, hate you, but I can't. I can't help but have feelings for you, strong ones and it scares me" I tell him, expressing how much I have fallen for him for the first time.

And yet again, that uncomfortable silence crept up on us and filled the car. I had put my feelings on the proverbial table, and I had left it up to him. I was hoping that despite how distant I was, he still reciprocated my feelings.

"You're right", he said, "you should hate me, and want to yell and hit me, and I feel guilty that you're not. You have been amazing with all of this, handling it better than anyone could, and it makes me so grateful to be with such a great person".

"Stop Harry, you're always saying these great things, and it makes me not want to say exactly what I'm dying to tell you", I said in a low tone.

"But it's the truth" he stated a little more hopefully.

"Stop. We have to discuss this, and we can't just dance around the fact that you ran into the arms of another woman Harry. I can't get angry at you about sleeping with those other women while you were in England, even though it completely broke my heart, but when you decided to find comfort in the arms of that hussy at the hotel, you crossed the line", I said, the anger rising slightly in my voice.

I didn't know where this anger was coming from, but I welcomed it. It made me feel stronger, more resistant to his charm and maybe, possibly, it gave me a chance at saying what I really wanted to say.

"I know" he spoke in a low, defeated tone.

He wasn't even objecting. He didn't want to explain or plead his case; not that I really wanted to hear why he decided to go and be with another woman.

"Is that all you have to say?" I protested.

"What do you want me to say?" he snapped back at me, setting me back.

"I want to know why? I want to know why you went to another woman", I hissed, the anger now at full strength, having been pent up for days.

"What does it matter? You'll only get angry at me either way", he replied.

"Yes, it does matter. If you even want to get past this, I have to know why! I have to know why I wasn't enough for you!" I spat at him, finding myself breathing slightly harder than before.

"That wasn't it" he answered, his anger subsiding to some extent as his voice dropped.

"Then what was it? What was it that drove you to her?"

"I thought I had lost one of the best things in my life, so I got plastered. When you stormed out like that, I thought it was over. I had never, ever, seen you like that and it scared me. I was sure I had lost you" he whispered.

"So you didn't even want to fight for me? To try and get me back?" We had ONE fight and you fled". I was getting even more and more angry. Was this supposed to be convincing me to forgive him? He was digging himself a grave; deeper and deeper with every word he said.

"I know, I'm stupid, and like I said this morning, if I could change it, I would. I would have stopped you from leaving, told you how stupid I was for getting jealous and doubting your feelings for me. I would have kissed you and hung onto you, showing you just how much I cared for you and wanted to be with you" he said with so much emotion that my whole body went limp.

My anger subsided almost immediately. There he went again with his charm and his way with words. But this time, he was being genuine, and I had to accept that he really didn't have an answer for his actions.

"But you didn't", I stated.

"I know", he said.

We sat in silence again for what seemed like ages. What were we going to do now? What were we going to be?

"I want to be with you Harry" I said, breaking the silence.

"I want to be with you too", he said looking at me with hope in his eyes.

"But, I want to be the only one. I can't handle you being with other women, it breaks my heart. It's just too hard. And I know that you being in England and me being here will be hard, but if you're willing to do this, so am I and… hmph…"

I was cut off mid sentence by his lips crashing on to mine. He grabbed my face with both his hands and kissed be so tenderly that I could feel the emotion come through that one kiss. It was soft, sweet and short. He pulled away from my face, leaving me speechless.

"I want to try", he said, his hands still cupping my face.

"You sure you can keep it in your pants Judd?" I joked, breaking the serious tension in the car.

"Well I may have to call you for the occasional transatlantic booty call" he smirked, pecking my lips quickly, and then shifting back into his seat.

"You think I'm THAT easy huh?" I asked in a mocking shocked tone.

He didn't respond, he just laughed quietly under his breath. It was good to have this atmosphere back; the care-free, fun one. I turned the engine on, eager to head home and sleep in peace; knowing that we had worked out some of the major problems between us, although not all.

We headed back to my house, slipping in quietly making sure not to wake anyone, and then went to sleep. Harry slept in the same bed as me that night, although I wasn't ready to actually sleep with him yet. My feelings were still raw, and I just wasn't ready to expose them fully, not just yet. He held me close, his grip tight around my waist, as if he was afraid that one wrong movement and he would lose me. Was our relationship that fragile? I didn't want that. I wanted an undoubtedly, set in stone, unwavering relationship. But I guess we had to work up to that, reassemble the shattered pieces and build on that. I just hope that the Atlantic between us wouldn't be the crack in our armour; our breaking point.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14 – '…have been silenced…'**

I got out of the shower, trying to be as quiet as possible not to wake anyone. I had to get up early that morning, having an 8:30 lecture. I guess it wasn't such a good idea for us to take that late night 'escapade' for ice-cream, since I couldn't stop myself from yawning. But in all honesty, it may have been one of the best impulses that I had followed in a long time. If I had just let him go downstairs and sleep on the couch, we wouldn't have had that conversation, and God knows where we would be now. We weren't back to normal completely, but we were getting there, and last night was that push we needed in the right direction.

I had managed to get up, get clothes, get in the shower, dry my hair and get my books together without waking Harry. I didn't want to leave him, but I had to. Damn 8:30 lectures, damn my stubbornness for never wanting to miss a class, damn my goody-two-shoe-ness. I left him a note, telling him that I would be back late because I had a lab. I was almost out the door, when I heard a low, husky growl come from my bed.

"Hey you!"

"Hey, sorry, I didn't mean to wake you" I said, back pedalling away from the door, making my way to the middle of the room.

"That wasn't why I called you" he stated, sitting up in my bed.

"Oh, well I have to go to class; I left you a note on my desk. I'll be home late because I have a lab until about 6pm," was all I said.

"And you were planning to leave without waking me?" he asked, a little hurt.

"Well you just looked so damn cute laying there, I didn't have the heart" I said, feeling slightly warm in the face.

I pecked him on the nose and made my way out. He quickly stood up after me, and I was pulled back by the hand and fell back into his arms. We were in one of those typical, over dramatic, movie types of embraces; where the guy held the woman in a dipped position, as she just lay in his arms.

"Now, that's no way to say goodbye," he smirked, bringing his face down to mine.

He crashed his lips onto mine, his hand on the back of my head, holding me up gently as his tongue swept across my mouth. He pushed me into him, rubbing his lips against mine, as I brought my arms up around his neck. After moments of being locked in a passionate embrace, he pulled me up into a standing position, not breaking the kiss, gently biting my bottom lip as he pulled away.

"Whoa," was all that escaped my mouth.

"I want to see you tonight" he whispered, as I tried to catch my breath, still in his grasp.

"Yeah," was all that I could muster.

"Call me when you're done school, ok?" he told me.

"Why? I'll just come home" I said, a little confused at his statement.

"Well I won't be here, I have to go and handle a few things" he said, as he started to search for his shirt.

"What? What kind of things?" I asked.

"Well I do have to get some fresh clothing, these are not so nice anymore," he said as he picked up his wrinkled shirt.

"Oh right, so you'll be at the hotel then right?" I said, not really wanting to mention that place, it bringing back memories of that fateful night.

"Yeah" he said, sighing deeply.

"I have to call back home as well, I've been kind of ignoring their calls for a couple of days. I wasn't in the state to talk to them," he continued to talk.

"Right," I said, looking down, realizing how much of a toll this ordeal had taken on him as well.

"Well home is very important, so you should definitely get to that," I replied flatly.

It was hard talking about HIS home, and knowing that I really wasn't a part of that. He stepped closer to me, putting his hands gently on my hips.

"That doesn't mean you're any less important," he whispered into my ear, sending tingles down the back of my neck.

"Aw, you're too sweet for your own good, you know that Harry?" I smirked, pecking him on the nose and puling away.

"I have to go though," I stated, walking towards the door.

"Ok, I'll see you tonight then. Don't forget about me this time," he shouted to me as I left the room.

I stopped in my tracks, turning on my heel quickly and racing back into my room. I burst through the door, startling Harry slightly as his back was turned to me.

"Holy shit! I thought you had to go?" he spoke, a little confused, but continued to do whatever he was doing before.

I ran up to him and wrapped my arms around his neck and collided my lips onto his. I pulled him into me, standing on my tip toes, wanting to get close to him. I roughly swept my tongue into his mouth, massaging our lips together. He entwined his arms around my waist, lifting me up off the ground slightly, tightening his hold on me.

"Never," I mumbled against his lips as I pulled away.

He put me down, a smile plastered to his face. My cheeks were lightly flushed and I was short of breath. I pulled out my keys and started to fiddle with them.

"Here," I spoke, taking off a spare key from my ring. "Keep this; so next time you want to surprise me in the middle of the night, you don't have to wake my housemates," I said, giving him a sly wink.

I was taking the next step; showing him how serious I was about this whole thing. I wasn't able to tell him yet, those three little words eluding me, but maybe I could show him instead? He looked down at me, a little shocked. I just stood there, with my hand flat in front of him, the key sitting in my palm. He stared down at the key, not daring to touch it. Why was he hesitating? I thought he wanted this? I had made a mistake; going to fast, not thinking this through. Damn it.

"You know what, never mind," I said quickly, closing my hand around the key and turning around quickly. I couldn't get out of that room fast enough, my feet were failing me and I was feeling so embarrassed. I was almost at the door, but I felt an arm pull me back. He turned me to face him, but I hung my head, the embarrassment filling me.

"I want it. I'm sorry that I just stood there, but I was shocked. This is a big step, and I just… I want it," he repeated.

I smiled shyly, these words making me so happy. I looked up at him, stood on my toes and put my lips on his, the smile never leaving my mouth. His hands cupped my face, and he stroked my cheek with his thumb. I wrapped my arms around his waist, letting my hand slip into his back pocket, dropping the key. I pulled away, not breaking my gaze.

"I really do have to go now," I spoke quietly.

"Ok, I'll see you tonight then," he smiled at me.

I walked out of my house with a permanent smile glued to my face. We were going to go on a proper date tonight, one of the first we've had in a long time. It was always so hectic when he came to visit me; me never having had visited him. When he came, it was always for short periods of time, and we didn't bother wasting time with courtship, we couldn't help not being able to keep our hands off each other. Day-dreaming in class about this morning, waking up to him again, our conversation, the whole thing; it just made me smile.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15 – '…for ever more'**

Another long day, another day that I wished I could just have stayed in bed. I hadn't even been able to think about how excited I was for this evening; how much I was looking forward to just spending time with him. My lab ran late, stupid reactions taking way too long to finish. It was dark yet again as I left the building, the night chill as strong as ever. I pulled out my phone, ready to call Harry and apologise, yet again, for not calling him to let him know I was going to be late. Here comes the selfishness that I just can't escape. Note to self, work on letting people know where you are.

As I flipped open my phone, ready to dial Harry's all too familiar number, I had a missed call. Shit. I had messed up, yet again. I dialled the password, listening intently to his voice.

"_Hey, I know you're in your lab now, but I just wanted to leave you a message saying I miss you. Call me when you're done, and don't worry about being late; I remember how long it took you last time I was here"_.

The message ended with him laughing into the other end. A small smile crept up on my face. Last time he came to visit me; I was in a lab that night. He wanted to surprise me, so he waited for me at my house. By the time I got home, poor guy had fallen asleep, and I ended up surprising him more than he did me. I welcomed those kinds of surprises; getting to see him was always a good thing. Just being able to think this way again was comforting, letting me know that maybe I was ready to forgive him completely.

I headed home, the walk seeming long; always the case when you're in a rush. The more I walked, the more exhausted I began to feel. These past couple of days were taking a toll on me, but I couldn't sleep now; I had to spend every extra moment I had with him. He was leaving soon, I didn't want to think about it, but it just crept up on me every once in while; in my quiet times, like now when I'm walking home, it would just pop into my head and it couldn't help but sadden me.

Finally reaching home, I made my way upstairs quickly to begin getting ready. I called him first. I was getting better, slightly, at remembering to call him.

"Hey, I'm home. Sorry that I'm late. Again. I just have to take a quick shower and get ready" I spoke into the phone

"_Yeah sure no problem" _he replied, in a flat tone, no excitement, no happiness, no sadness, just flat.

"What's wrong?" I asked concerned.

"_Oh no nothing. Call me when you're ready ok?"_ he quickly changed the subject.

"Look, I'm sorry that I was late and that I didn't call you to let you know, but I couldn't. We're not allowed cell phones in the lab and I didn't realize what time it was…" I began to explain, worried that he was upset at my lateness again.

"_No, it's ok, don't worry. Just call me when you're ready ok?"_ he interrupted me in the driest tone.

"Yeah ok. I'll see you soon. Bye," I replied quickly, wanting to hang up the phone. The conversation was going in a weird direction and I wasn't too keen on continuing it.

"_Bye"_, was all he replied.

Thoughts started racing through my head; doubts of course were the first. What was wrong? Did he think about what was said between us and regret any of it? Most of it? Worst of all; all of it? Was he so dry to me because he was going to leave me tonight? What was I going to do when he said those fateful words?

My heart started to race, and I suddenly started to feel warm all over; not in a pleasurable way, but more of a suffocating way, my throat dry, not being able to take in enough air. I had to be logical right now, not jump to conclusions. He wouldn't have said all those things to me if he hadn't had meant them right? But why the change of mood all of a sudden?

I wasn't going to think about it anymore; I was going to take a shower, wash away all my doubts, get ready and go and see him. Maybe I would mention something to him when I saw him. Maybe. No. We were starting over, no more keeping things from each other, no more tip-toeing around each others thoughts; if I had doubts, I was going to voice them. I was going to confront him about what I thought and I was going to get some answers. I wasn't going to let my doubts run my life.

So I did exactly what I said. I got ready. I got in the shower, washing the staleness from the lab off of my body, letting the warm water engulf me. Getting ready, the exhaustion caught up with me. I could feel my eyes grow heavy, almost impossible to keep open. I got completely ready, hair dried, clothes on, make-up done; but I was just going to lie down, just for half an hour. I needed to sleep, needed to rest so that when I saw Harry, I could be my amazing, sarcastic and happy self. The lack of sleep was dampening my wonderfulness, so a small nap couldn't hurt.

I laid down on my bed, in my clothing, clutching my phone in my hand. I don't even remember falling asleep, the peacefulness washing over me instantaneously.

I felt soft lips place gentle kisses all over my face, slowly and lingering slightly. I began to smile, letting out a soft moan. I opened my eyes, seeing him staring back at me, and broke out into a full-out grin, from ear to ear. He still managed to make me so happy. He pulled back, kneeling at the side of my bed, and just smiled back at me; making my heart flutter lightly in my chest.

I sat up in my bed, and grabbed his face with my hands, pulling him in towards me. I didn't say a word; I just placed my lips on his. He responded immediately, massaging his lips with mine. He wrapped his arms around my waist, standing up and pulling me up with him in the process. I wrapped my arms around his neck, letting my fingers run through his hair, pulling him in even closer to me. Our breathing was speeding up, as the heat between us rose. Then my brain clicked and I pulled away quickly.

"Wait, what are you doing here? I was supposed to call you? Shit, what time is it?" I began to speak quickly, a little out of breath.

He just stood there, staring at me with a small smile on his lips. I frantically began to search for a clock, to see what time it was. Shit, I had fallen asleep and for too long.

"You must have fallen asleep" he finally responded, laughing to himself, placing light kisses on my face, trying to calm me down. "After waiting for an hour and a half, I got worried and a little restless. I tried calling you but you didn't answer, so I decided to just come over and get you," he explained.

"Oh shit, I'm so sorry Harry, I only wanted to take a short nap, so that I wouldn't be a drain when I went out with you tonight. I'm so sorry," I repeated, feeling the guilt wash over me.

"Sh, it's ok. Don't worry about it. Glad I had that key to get in, no one was home so I would have been shit out of luck," he laughed lowly.

"I really am sorry," I said again. I couldn't help it, I apologise a lot.

"It's ok, really. Do you still want to go out though? If you're tired, I understand," he began to say.

"No, I want to go. I'm ready. Let me just straighten up," I replied, looking down at my clothing, it being slightly wrinkled. "You know what, let me change, I kind of wrinkled these clothes with my stupid nap," I told him.

I grabbed some clean clothing and changed quickly, noticing Harry stealing glances of me as I changed. Every time he did that, I felt the heat rise to my face, uncontrollably blushing. I finally was ready to go.

I walked towards him and grabbed his hand to walk out of the house, but was instantaneously pulled back, slamming into his chest, our bodies so close to each other. His breathing was quick, shallow and I could feel it dance across my cheek. I just looked up at him and was met by his lips crashing down on mine almost immediately. He began to kiss me rough, his hunger for me coming through that one kiss. His hands began to wander quickly over my body, going from the back of my head, to my waist, my hips and then landing on my butt.

"What has gotten into you Harry?" I pulled away breathlessly, my lips numb from his touch.

He didn't even respond; he just pulled me in again, our lips on each other's once again, this time the heat almost too much to handle. He roughly ran his tongue across my lips, pushing his way into my mouth, as he pulled me in even closer to him. He was being aggressive and it turned me on, but it was so unexpected. Something inside him snapped, and he grabbed me by the hips and pulled me up, wrapping my legs around his waist.

I couldn't get enough of him, my arms wrapping tightly around his neck, pushing his head in towards mine. He began to stumble back towards my bed, and we landed hard against my mattress. The kiss never broke, our hands still wandering viciously as if on a mission. He was grasping at my clothing forcefully, pulling at my shirt, grabbing my belt, trying to undo the belt buckle.

"Didn't know you wanted me so badly Judd," I said breaking the kiss yet again, still out of breath, looking down at him with a cheeky smile.

His eyes were different, there was something there that scared me a little; but at the same time made me want to jump his bones.

"God, you're hot," he mumbled into my neck as he began to suck on the skin. He was still grabbing at my clothing, pulling at it as if he was about to rip it off me.

This was going a little fast for me. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I didn't want him, it's just this was just a little fast that's all.

"Come on Harry, I still want to go out tonight" I said, trying to pull away from him.

"Fuck going out," he growled, grabbing the back of my head and pushing me into his lips once again.

I let my lips work for a few moments, the tingle from his touch running through my lips, down my neck and all the way down my spine. My body lay on top of his, as our bodies moved against each other, hands still wandering; under and over clothing, patches of bare skin being exposed.

"I still want to go out," I said pulling away again, hearing a frustrated moan escape his lips.

He pulled my face close to his, thinking I was in for another passionate embrace, but he passed my lips and went straight for my ear.

"I just want you," he purred into my ear, licking it quickly and working down to my neck.

My head rolled back instantly in pleasure, the sensation washing over me as he nuzzled further into my neck. I let him toil at my neck for a few moments, not wanting to break the contact of his skin against mine. But finally I did. I pulled back, not saying a word, and got up off the bed. I straightened my clothes again, smoothing my hair a little and wiped my mouth; trying to rid it of the bruising and numbness caused by his kisses. He just laid there, staring back at me, an almost blank expression on his face.

"Let's go," I said, staring straight at him.

"Why can't we just stay here, I just want to be with you," he said, getting up, walking over to me with pleading eyes. He placed his hands gently on my waist and lowered his mouth to my ear, "I want to ravish you all over again," he said with a low laugh.

The warmth and blood rushed immediately to my face, causing me to bury my head in his chest in embarrassment. I just stood there with my head against him, letting the warmth leave my face. I finally pulled it together, and stepped back from him and looked him straight in the eyes.

"We'll have plenty of time for that later," I said with a wink.

"But… we… yeah… plenty of time," he replied, getting progressively quieter with each word. He looked down, staring at his hands as he fiddled with his watch.

I walked up to him, grabbing his hands in mine and pulled them to my chest, "Don't worry, we have plenty of time," I whispered to him.

This was the lie that I was telling myself; and maybe he could believe it as much as I had forced myself to. He sighed heavily and looked up at me and gave me a weak smile.

"You're right," he said, kissing me tenderly on the forehead.

We were finally ready to go and we headed out the door. Harry looked amazing by the way; so damn sexy in simple jeans and a plain polo shirt. Wow, he made me all hot and bothered just by looking at him. So we went on our date, a simple, clichéd movie date; but it was something that he really couldn't do back at home in England, so I was perfectly happy going to see a movie. It was nice; just to be with him and do things together. Whenever he came, I had my things to do, he would have other things to keep busy and we would have to find time to be together. It was nice to have something to do together, to be like a normal couple, not one that is separated by the Atlantic Ocean.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16 – 'the distance is…'**

Our date was great. We watched a movie, a comedy of course; even though he insisted on a horror movie, telling me that way he could hold me when I got scared. I do not do horror movies. So he settled, letting me have my way, which I appreciated. We ended up sitting at the back; instantly regretting it, remembering how frisky he was when we were in the back of a lecture hall with the lights on and 200 people around. So you can only imagine how heated things got in the back of that theatre with the lights out and a practically empty showing, being Monday night and all.

"Stop Harry, we're going to get caught" I whispered, pulling away from him once again.

"We won't, I'll be VERY discreet," he mumbled against the skin of my neck, continuing to lick and suck as he made his way lower to my collar.

I couldn't help myself. We were basically alone in this theatre and it was so dark, a little passion couldn't hurt right? I turned to him, grabbing his lips with mine, him responding immediately. He drew me into a strong embrace, pulling me into his seat, but I resisted, not wanting to draw too much attention to us. His hands remained around my neck as our breathing shortened and we continued into our kiss. My hands began to wander, finding his thigh and running my hand up slowly, digging my nails in gently as it slid across his jeans. He moaned deeply into the kiss, sending tingles up and down every inch of my body. I took my hand and slid it under his shirt, feeling his skin hot against my touch. I began to caress his chest slowly, feeling him tense under my touch. He mimicked my actions; placing his hand under my shirt as well, but not being quite as gentle as I was. He groped me roughly, not being able to touch me enough, all the while never breaking the kiss.

"Now, back to the movie," I said in a low whisper, pulling out of the kiss short of breath.

His breathing was shallow, and I could see his face was slightly flushed even in the dark. He just stared at me and gave me a small pout. He leaned in closer to me, but I stopped him and put my hand on his chest.

"Later," was all I said.

He pulled away and sat back in his chair, sulking a little. I looked over and couldn't help but laugh at the image sitting before me. Here was a grown man, sulking in the back of a theatre, with his arms crossed and a small pout on his lips. I leaned across him and placed a soft, but lingering kiss on his lips, pulling away slowly.

"Don't pout, later. Promise," I said.

I was about to sit back in my chair when he pulled me back in front of him.

"You better believe it," he stated, pecking me on the lips again and then letting me go.

So I sat back in my chair, smiling the whole time. The movie was hilarious, even though I missed the first quarter of it being distracted by a certain someone. We laughed loudly; holding our stomachs in stitches as the movie progressed.

Somehow after the movie, we ended up making our way to a pub, and how we ended up drinking that night was beyond me. It was a Monday night, normally I would be at home, or the library, studying or doing some form of work. But not this Monday. This Monday I was sitting at a pub at midnight, getting completely plastered with my boyfriend. Wow, it felt good to say that; my boyfriend.

Harry was astonished at how much alcohol I could hold; I had kept up with him the entire night. He had initially ordered me some fancy, girly drink and when he handed it to me, I just looked at him, giving him the 'what the fuck' look.

"Didn't know what you liked, so I figured I couldn't go wrong with a girly drink," he stated while taking a drink from his beer.

"Well, you definitely figured wrong", I said while laughing.

"What?" he asked.

"Thanks for the thought Harry, but I'll be right back," I said, placing down the girly drink and walking over to the bar.

I came back moments later, holding a pitcher and a couple of glasses.

"Here," I said, placing down the heavy pitcher and handing him a glass.

"Oh, sorry, forgot you don't drink like a girl," he laughed while pouring me a glass.

"Damn right I don't," I said, taking a huge gulp of my beer.

After only an hour, we had finished our pitcher and ordered another one; me doing much more damage to those pitchers than he did. I figured that two were enough, and that we should make our way back home; it was almost 1 in the morning, and I had yet another early class the next day. I pulled him out of the bar and out into the night. I went to call for a taxi, when he stopped me, grabbing my outstretched arm and pulling me into him.

"My hotel is closer," he whispered into my ear.

"Is it now?" I replied cheekily.

"Come on, let's go," he said, pulling me in that direction.

"Harry, I can't. I have another early class tomorrow, and I doubt my drinking tonight will help me get up in the morning," I told him.

"But you promised," he pouted at me, lowering to my eye level.

I rolled my eyes and smiled.

"I did promise didn't I? Well I guess I can't go back on a promise then can I?" I said sarcastically.

"Exactly," he said, grinning from ear to ear.

We had decided to walk to the hotel, it only being about a 5 minute walk from the pub. Bad idea. It was freezing outside and I couldn't feel my face. The numbness from the cold burned my cheeks slightly and Harry looked just as cold as I felt. He kept grabbing me in inappropriate places as we walked down the street, me swatting his hands away, giggling uncontrollably.

We walked into the hotel lobby and I was hit by a flashback of that fateful night immediately. I stumbled slightly in my step and Harry noticed, looking back at me.

"What is it?" he asked

"Nothing. Now where is this fancy room Judd?" I asked, giving him a quick wink.

He didn't answer; he just pulled me in the direction of the elevators. We waited for what seemed like ages for the elevator. It was 1:30am on a Monday, well Tuesday now, who else was using these elevators? Harry couldn't stop groping me again, wrapping his arms around my waist and planting hot kisses all over my face and neck. He would try and grab my lips in a kiss, but I kept turning away, telling him to 'keep it in his pants' until we weren't in public like this. He ignored me; continuing to kiss me and feel me with his wandering hands. I couldn't help but giggle while he did this; maybe that's why he didn't take me so seriously, ignoring my pleas for him to stop.

The elevator finally came, and we staggered in. As soon as the doors closed, Harry launched on me and crashed his lips on mine. We stumbled, still locked together, towards the back of the elevator. He pushed me up against the wall, and started unzipping my jacket immediately. The heat in the elevator rose quickly as our bodies pressed up against each other; hands still wandering over each other's skin. His hand grabbed my face roughly, cupping my cheek, as his other arm wrapped around my hips and lifted me towards him, bringing our bodies into closer contact. I wrapped my legs around his waist and did the same with my arms around his neck. We continued in this embrace for the trip up, but the elevator suddenly stopped.

I broke away from his lips and looked towards the slow-opening doors. Thinking it was his floor; I lowered my head to his ear and bit it gently, my breathing heavy against his cheek.

"Take me now", I whispered seductively.

As I whispered this, Harry quickly lifted me up and turned around abruptly, his hand firmly placed on my ass. As we turned around in each other's arms, Harry froze. It wasn't his floor, and an employee of the hotel walked into the elevator, clearing his throat loudly. I began to squirm in Harry's hold, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. He put me down gently, grabbing my hand at his side. The remainder of the ride was awkward to say the least. It was silent and I could feel the employee stealing glances as I stood with my head hanging. I was blushing furiously, and was trying everything in my power to get rid of it. I heard Harry laugh quietly to himself, and I smiled. This actually was a funny situation; I was mortified of being caught in a compromising position, but all I could really do was laugh. I'm sure the employees of this hotel had seen much more action in an elevator than that.

Finally Harry's floor arrived and we got off rather quickly. He never let go of my hand and pulled me in the direction of his room at the end of the hall. He almost ran to that door, it seeming further and further away, wanting to get to it so we could burst inside. We reached the door, and Harry was fumbling for the card in his back pocket. I just leaned against the wall beside the door and gazed at him. His perfect features, his blue eyes, the color of his skin; he was devastatingly gorgeous, and again, I could feel myself go warm in the face.

He was struggling with the door, unable to put the card in the slot. This was time for payback now. I ducked beneath his arms, and stood between him and the door, as he tried to work on the lock device behind me. I ran my hands slowly up his chest, bringing my face close to his. I nuzzled into his neck and placed soft kisses on his skin. I ran my tongue slowly across his jaw line, and up to his ear, having to stand on tip-toe to reach it. My hands were now under his shirt and wrapped around to his back. As I continued to work my way around his neck with my mouth, my hands smoothed up and down the hot skin of his back. I heard a low moan of frustration escape his mouth and I giggled quietly against his skin.

"Fuck," he growled, and I giggled again. I loved having this effect on him.

"Now who's having trouble opening the door?" I said cheekily, pulling only away slightly as I spoke.

He wrapped one arm around my back and pulled me into him, the other still working on the door. He broke his gaze from the door and looked straight into my eyes.

"Just wait 'til we get inside," he said seductively, raising his eyebrows as he spoke.

He finally was able to unlock the door to his hotel room and he let out a triumphant 'HA' as he pushed the door open. Never removing his arm from around my side, he pulled me up and carried me in into the room. Closing the door behind him with his foot, he put me down and collided into me immediately, his lips on mine in an instant. He swept his tongue over my lips and into my mouth and I responded without delay. He began to fumble with the zipper of my jacket and undid it swiftly, the jacket dropping to the floor within moments. I mimicked his actions on his own jacket, shedding him of unnecessary clothing; which all seemed unnecessary at the moment. I wanted to be as close to him as humanly possible, and all this clothing was getting in the way. He pushed me back towards the bed, both of us stumbling back locked in a passionate embrace. We fell onto the bed, him on top of me. He pulled away from me and sat up straddling my hips. He began to undo the buttons of my sweater slowly, in a teasing manner.

My mind began to wander. The chill of the night from the walk over here had sobered me up quite a bit; I was being irresponsible, going back to my boyfriend's hotel room when I had commitments for the next morning. This wasn't me, but again, it was Harry, how could I resist?

"I can't stay here," I said quietly as he continued to work on my sweater.

"What? Why?" he asked, stopping his actions, staring down at me. "You're not regretting this are you?" he asked lowering his voice.

"Oh no, God no," I responded, "It's just that I have another 8:30 a.m. class tomorrow and I don't think my hangover is going to be helpful in the morning."

I saw a wave of relief wash over him and he let out a small laugh. I sat up slightly, propping myself on my elbows, still pinned under him, and grabbed his collar, pulling him closer to me. His face was centimetres away from mine, and our eyes were locked together; I wanted him to know how serious I was about what I was about to say.

"I have never regretted being with you. Ever. You are amazing and I want to be with you; even if it means you have to be thousands of miles away for long periods of time. I want to make this work, and I have never felt this way about someone; I lo…"

I was cut off in the middle of my sentence by Harry's lips meeting mine. He lowered me back onto the bed, his hand placed protectively at the back of my head. My arms instinctively wrapped themselves around his neck and he continued to kiss me. The kiss was gentle though this time, not rough and lust-filled like before. It was full of emotion and I had never felt this close to Harry. I smiled into the kiss, happiness washing over me. He pulled away slowly, his lips remaining in contact with mine for a moment longer. He kept his face close to mine, and stared intently into my eyes.

"Whoa," was all that escaped my lips.

He smiled down at me, his eyes sparkling lightly. The smile was contagious, a similar one creeping up on my lips as well.

"Now where were we before all this talking interrupted us," he smirked while leaning back down towards me.

"All this talking was me telling you I couldn't stay tonight," I said, placing my hand gently on his chest, stopping him from lowering onto me any further.

"Aw, but it was just getting good," he whined.

"I know, believe me, but I really do have to go, I have class," I said, struggling to free myself from beneath him

"No, I don't want you to leave, stay with me," he begged, grabbing hold of one of my hands in his, while his other hand stroked up and down my bare arm.

"I would love to, but I can't," I responded, kissing him quickly, wiggling underneath him, and trying to get up.

"Can't you just skip your class tomorrow?" he asked me.

"No, I can't. You know school is important to me," I replied, finally breaking free from his hold, standing up and redoing the buttons on my sweater with my back to him.

"I guess more important than me," he mumbled under his breath, but I caught every word.

"Harry, don't say that. It's not more important, just different that's all," I told him, walking over to the bed and sitting down beside him.

"Well it seems like that. I always have to work myself around YOUR schedule, your school, your work; always YOUR things," he said getting a little more forceful.

I was taken back by this sudden outburst of anger from him. I knew that when he came he was always so accommodating to me, to the things in my life; but I thought he understood. I did my best to change things so I could spend as much time with him as possible when he came, but not everything could be changed. I would do the same for him if I went to visit him, but it was circumstances that limited it to only him coming here.

"I know," I whispered, "and I appreciate it so much, you have no idea."

"So, why can't you just change something for ME, this one time," he pleaded. "Just stay with me tonight; stay here and be with me, and just skip your class tomorrow morning."

"Harry you know I can't," I answered.

"Why?"

"Because," was all I said, the anger rising in me.

"You CAN skip, you just won't," he spat back at me.

"Harry, you know how important school is to me, and how much I value my education; in the beginning you said it was something you admired about me," I told him, raising my voice gradually as I spoke. The more I spoke, the angrier I got.

"I know, and I still do, but I want to spend time with you. I want to be with you, and I want you to stay tonight. Please," he begged again, his voice now as loud as mine as he got up from the bed.

"If you really did understand and admire that about me, then you wouldn't be asking me to skip," I yelled at him.

"But I just want to spend time with you, I just want to BE with you, before I have to leave," he said lowering his voice at the last words that left his mouth, stepping closer to me.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. He was thinking about when he had to leave, and I wasn't the only one starting to panic, realizing time was running out. It broke my heart.

"I know you do, and I want to as well, but we still have some time; we have at least a week left. Don't worry; I'll come over right after my class, I have the rest of the day free," I said, picking up my bag, kissing him one last time on the lips and heading for the door.

"We don't have a week," I heard him whisper under his breath.

I froze immediately in my tracks. What did he just say? I must have heard him wrong. I couldn't move from my spot, my feet attached to the floor. I remembered to breath, taking in a deep, sharp breath, the sound of the air moving into my lungs breaking the complete silence that fell upon the room. My hands felt cold immediately, and trembles shot through my veins. I gathered myself together, turning slowly, keeping my head down, stare focused intently on the carpet.

"What," escaped my mouth.

"We don't have a week" he repeated; I could hear him shuffling closer to me, but I still kept my gaze down.

"Why?" I asked, my voice fragile in my throat, shaking slightly as I spoke.

"Because plans changed back home. They need me for some last minute Christmas promotional stuff," he said in a lowered tone.

"When?" I asked.

This was the most important question of all; how much more time did I have with him?

"I have to leave on Friday, so that gives us four days," he whispered, catching me in his arms, wrapping them around me, pulling me into his chest.

I was glad he had held me; my whole body went weak at those words and if he hadn't been there, I would have collapsed to the floor. Silent tears escaped my eyes, streaking my cheeks and dampening his shirt. He tightened his grip on me and rubbed my back gently with his hand, trying to calm me down.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered into my ear.

He shouldn't be apologizing, this wasn't his fault. It was inevitable that he had to leave; it was just coming sooner than expected. I felt like such a jerk for making him feel guilty. He really couldn't stop it; it was his life, and he couldn't just abandon it all to stay with me. It would be way too selfish of me to even fathom something like that.

"I don't want you to leave me," I whispered quietly into his chest.

"My my, how the tables have turned," he replied with a small laugh.

I couldn't help but smile at his comment. He was trying to lighten the atmosphere; trying not to dampen the little time we had left together. I appreciated that about him; the caring he showed towards me.

"Well I do think it's a little different, I was planning on coming back," I replied sarcastically, not really realizing how much implications my words carried with them.

"I WILL be back," he simply replied.

I didn't say anything; I just raised my head and began to kiss him. I was sad and happy at the same time. I was devastated that he had to leave early, but also so pleased that he had shown how committed he was; telling me he would be back. He would be back for me.

I continued to kiss him, our hands frantically grabbing at each other's clothing. My thoughts of leaving tonight had flown out of my head when he uttered those fateful words. I was going to stay with him, miss my class; I was just going to be with him and spend the little precious time we had together. We stumbled back over to the bed, recreating what happened just moments ago; falling onto the bed, still in each other's hold. He put his hands on my face gently, pulling me away from him, creating space between us.

"I thought you had to go," he said looking at me smugly with his eyebrows raised.

"Shut up, I don't want to leave you," I said, placing my lips firmly on his, just wanting to be close to him, and fell his touch; burning this into my memory.

"I never want to leave you either, believe me," he mumbles against my lips, not breaking contact.

"I do," I said pulling away, straddling him as I sat up.

I began to pull off my sweater, undoing the buttons slowly, seeing his eyes widen at the sight before him. I threw the sweater across the room, and hurtled into him. My lips wrestled with his, my hips against his as we rolled over each other. The fervour between us was at an all time high. The news of him leaving early had given me the push I needed in realizing just how much I felt for him. I loved him. I really did. It had taken me this long to finally stop denying it. I had fallen in love with Harry. He is my first love.

"I love you so much Harry," I mumbled into the skin of his neck.

My voice was so low, that I thought he hadn't heard me. I don't know if I could say it again; it had taken me this long just to say it once. He continued to kiss my bare shoulder gently as he moved his way up to my neck, my jaw, my cheek and then to my lips. I just laid there limp, unable to move from fear of what I had just said. My head was starting to panic and race with fear. I don't know if I even responded into the kiss, but he pulled away slowly and moved his mouth to my ear. He paused, his breathing slightly quickened and brushing against my ear, and then cupped my face with his hand.

"You have no idea how much I love you," he whispered softly.

The grin that spread on my face must have been miles long; such a feeling of joy lifting me up that I never wanted to come back down. But my reality was that Harry loved me, and I loved him. It felt so good to have this, to just have my feelings confirmed and out in the open. I pulled his face from my ear, and brought it to meet my eyes. His eyes were shining, full of emotion and happiness. He smiled back at me and went to kiss me again.

"I have waited so long to tell you this," he mumbled against my lips.

"I'm sorry it took me so long," I apologized.

"I would have waited forever," he replied.

My heart fluttered in my chest. I had truly forgiven Harry and now he knew exactly how I felt about him. The best thing was that he felt exactly the same way about me. Tonight, I would stay with Harry and put him first in my life; even if only for a short time.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17 – '…quite simply…'**

I laid on the bed, limp, completely out of breath. It's true what they say; make-up sex really is the best kind of sex. I had missed him so much over those three days. Our sex was full of wanting, passion, and desire; I had never experienced something like that in my life. The content smile, that was now a permanent fixture on my face, could not be erased. The room was silent, filled with only the sound of us trying to catch our breaths. My ears were filled with the beating of my speeding heart. We laid there, face to face, inches away from one another, just staring. We stayed like that for ages, his face burning into my memory; his blue eyes, the curve of his nose, the perfect shape of his lips, the soft skin of his cheeks, everything. He brought his hand slowly to my face, pushing away a stray strand of hair from my cheek, brushing along the skin slowly and tenderly. I was the one to break eye contact first; the emotions inside me over-whelming. I laid back, facing the ceiling, my hands lifeless at my sides.

I felt him shuffle closer to me, the side of his body against mine; the contact of his skin on mine still making my nerves buzz with excitement. He brought his face into the crook of my neck and mumbled something inaudible into my skin. I just continued to lay there, completely still, my mind racing back and forth between what had happened just moments ago, and what was said before that. Everything was falling into place, but almost a little too perfectly. The nagging, a little quieter and subdued now, was back; I just pushed it out of my thoughts, not wanting to ruin this moment.

I shifted my head slightly, turning it more towards him. I took in a deep breath, taking in his smell and his appearance. He looked peaceful with his eyes shut gently; the same smile that occupied my lips was placed firmly on his. I lifted my arm gently and stroked his cheek ever so gingerly, just wanting to touch him again, but not wanting to disturb him. A soft, low moan escaped his mouth and he shuffled closer to me; bringing his arm over my stomach and wrapping it protectively around me. I thought I could lay there forever, but then that sticky feeling started again, so I did my best to twist out of his hold without waking him. I was unsuccessful when his grip around my middle tightened as I tried to move off the bed.

"And where do you think you're going?" he asked in a hoarse tone.

"Shower; you know me, I'll be right back," I said, still trying to get off the bed.

"Agh, ok, but you better be back in…" there was a long pause, "very soon," was all he said.

I just laughed to myself and promised him I would be back soon; I shuffled off the bed and towards the bathroom.

After the shower, lying back in the bed with him, I couldn't sleep. Well I fell in and out of sleep; but I always found myself waking up abruptly and quickly looking towards his side of the bed, making sure he was still there. I was nervous, butterflies flying around in my stomach, never resting. I was afraid of him leaving. What if things weren't different? What if when he went back to England, things would go back to the way they were? I didn't want that. I couldn't let myself go back to that. But he had said he wanted to try, so we were. We were going to try, and that just made me so unbelievably happy.

The light from the crack in the curtains woke me that morning; I didn't even remember falling asleep, but I was grateful that I had. I felt his arm still firmly placed around my middle, my side tightly pressed against his stomach. I glanced over at the clock on the bedside table and saw 9:06 a.m. flash across it. My class was in progress, and a small wave of guilt washed over me. I wonder what they were doing now?

I felt him exhale loudly in my ear and I was snapped back, realising I had made the right decision to skip. I turned in his hold, facing him, just staring at his face. I caught myself doing that more often; just staring at him and smiling.

"I know I'm drop-dead gorgeous, but it's creepy when someone stares," he said abruptly in a hushed tone.

I almost jumped out of my skin, my heart racing in my chest as I trembled slightly.

"Holy shit! Don't do that!" I told him, hitting him gently on the arm.

"Aw, I couldn't resist. Did I scare you?" he asked in a mocking tone.

"Yes, now you'll have to pay," I said mischievously.

"I like the sound of that," he responded, tightening his grip around me and pulling me on top of him.

Our lips met in a tender kiss, as I rested all my weight against his body. His arms remained wrapped around my waist, but my hands reached up to his face and ran through his hair. We stayed like this for moments; I bit his lip gently and then pulled away and rolled off of him.

"Aw, why did you do that?" he asked a little confused, as I shuffled off the bed.

"Because, I think we should do something," I answered.

"But I was just about to," he answered whining a little.

"You and your dirty mind Judd. Tsk tsk," I told him, shaking my finger at him playfully.

He suddenly jumped off the bed and started to chase me around the room. I giggled loudly, screaming every so often as he grabbed me and I wiggled myself free. I ran into the bathroom, and locked the door.

"Hey, no fair," he called through the door.

"Too bad, I'll be out in a minute," I yelled through the door, turning on the shower.

Walking out of the bathroom, I saw Harry sitting on the bed, holding MY phone to his ear. What was he doing with my phone again? I thought we had dealt with this already.

"Harry, what the hell?" I asked, my voice rising.

"Oh, here she is, one second," he said into the phone, passing it to me.

I just gave him a stern look, mouthing 'who is it?', grabbing the phone away. I put the phone to my ear and continued staring at him as he made his way back to the bed.

"Hello?" I spoke into the phone.

"_Hi sweetie,"_ the voice said from the other end.

Shit, shit, shit. I could recognize that voice and accent anywhere. It was my mom, and Harry had answered the phone. Harry had talked to my mom. What did he say to her? How much did he tell her? Oh no, what is she going to say to me? Those thoughts were jumping around in my head, my mouth remaining motionless.

"_Hello? You there?"_ I heard my mom repeat herself.

"Yeah sorry, I'm here," I said, clearing my throat loudly.

Harry must have seen the look on my face, the color completely draining from my face and me standing motionless by the bathroom door in complete horror, since I could see him laughing to himself quietly on the bed.

I made my way slowly over to the bed, sitting down on it with my back to him. How was I going to explain this to my mom? How was I going to explain a boy answering my phone, in a hotel room at 9:30 in the morning? I felt him shift towards me on the bed behind me, bringing his chest to my back. He brushed the hair away from my neck gently, exposing the skin and planting slow, hot kisses along the length.

"_Are you busy now? Are you in class?"_ my mom asked.

"No, no, no. I'm just," there was a long pause, me trying to think of an acceptable place to be this hour of the morning with a boy, "the library", I finished. I was proud of my little lie; it was completely believable.

I turned around, looking at Harry, mouthing 'stop it', and giving him a stern look. He just chuckled softly and continued to run his hands over my back and up around my stomach.

"_Oh ok. So who was that?"_ she asked. I could hear that smirk in her voice, she was always curious about my 'male friends'.

"Oh, that was no one, just a friend I'm studying with," I answered, not even thinking about my response; it was the typical answer I gave her about boys in my life.

I felt Harry pull away from me immediately. I quickly looked back over my shoulder, and saw him getting up off the bed. His head was hung, and he shuffled his feet across the carpet. My eyes followed him around the room as he made his way to the bathroom. I heard the soft click of the door close, and I let a huge sigh escape my lips.

"_Hey are you ok?"_ my mom asked, she must have heard the huge sigh.

"Yeah I'm fine," I lied.

"_You're lying,"_ she simply stated.

"It's just school, with work and exams coming up, I've just been stressed that's all," I continued to lie. She didn't know about Harry, any of the problems I had with him, so I just blamed school.

"_Oh ok. I'm sorry sweetie,"_ she said sympathetically.

"It's ok Mom, it's hardly your fault," I answered, "So why did you call?"

"_Oh well, I haven't seen you in a while, I was thinking you could come home for dinner tonight, maybe relax a little?"_ she asked hopefully.

I wanted to go, I hadn't seen my mom in a month; with midterms, labs and work I was always busy, so it would have been nice. But I was with Harry right now, and I couldn't just bring him with me. My family had absolutely NO idea about him; how was I going to explain that to them?

"I'm sorry, I can't. I really want to, but now with exams coming up, I'm stuck studying all the time. I promise, I'll spend the whole Christmas break with you. Promise," I finished.

"_Oh ok sweetie. I understand. We'll get together soon,"_ she replied.

I could hear the hurt in her voice; I was torn between two people I loved every much.

"_Ok, I'll let you go then, don't want to keep you from your studies. Good luck, love you," _she said on the other end.

"I love you too Mom," I answered, hanging up the phone.

I let out another deep sigh, staring into the phone still in my hands. I didn't like keeping things from her, but I just found it easier than explaining myself all the time. I never talked to her about my boyfriends or anything having to do with my love life, so it wasn't really different with Harry; but I guess the fact that I loved him would have been a good enough reason to tell your Mom right?

Then I remembered what had happened with Harry, how he had walked off into the bathroom, the hurt evident in his actions. I guess me saying he was 'no one' wasn't the greatest thing to say after what had happened last night.

I walked over to the bathroom door quietly, not sure what to say exactly. I knocked softly, not hearing the water from the shower running.

"Harry?" I said in a gentle whisper.

Nothing on the other side. Complete silence. I knocked a little louder this time, wanting to explain myself to him. The door suddenly opened and he was standing in the door frame, towering over me. I felt very small at that moment; having nothing to do with my height. He just stood there, staring down at me, the anger and hurt evident in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry Harry," I said, my voice cracking at the end.

"What the hell?" he asked, the anger in his voice making the sound boom throughout the room.

"I'm sorry, I really am, it's just that it's complicated," I answered, suddenly finding the hem of my shirt very interesting.

"How is it complicated? You didn't tell your mom about me. It's simple, I'm not important enough for her to know about me," he said, yelling slightly.

He pushed past me and stormed off towards the closet to get some clothing. I followed closely behind him, not wanting him to get away without me getting my say in.

"How can you say that? You know how important you are to me; I thought I made that clear last night," I said, now anger evident in my own voice.

He was acting completely insecure after I had poured my heart out to him. Did he think it meant nothing? So I didn't tell my mom; I'm sure no one really knows about me back in England.

"So why didn't you tell your mom then? When you were on the phone with her, you could have just said who you were with, truthfully," he said, lowering his voice.

"Because how am I supposed to tell her?" I asked him.

"What do you mean how? Just tell her. Why do you keep shutting me out? It seems like you keep me separate from your 'actual' life. You just put me aside, and move on," he yelled at me, never looking at me, keeping his back to me.

"What do you mean separate? Harry, you live thousands of miles away from me, I only see you a couple of times a month, I can't help it if you're not in my everyday life. I know I'm not in yours, and I had to accept that," I said getting slightly angry.

"And I already told you that I wish I could change that, but I can't," he said, lowering his voice.

"So we deal with what we have Harry, and I accepted that, why can't you?" I asked.

There was a long pause. I didn't speak, I just listened to him breathe, in and out, the weight of the world seeming to sit on his shoulders. Why was he freaking out now? It had been this way from the beginning, and now he wanted things to change? But I guess it couldn't be helped, things had changed whether we wanted to or not, and things were getting serious. I had to wrap my head around it; I had to let him in. It was just going to be hard.

"I just wish you didn't keep me from people in your life. I just wish you would have told your mom. It makes me feel as if you're ashamed of me. I just wish you would have told her," he said more softly, exhaling deeply as he spoke.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure that would have gone over well telling her. What am I supposed to say exactly?" I asked him loudly, curious as to what he had to say.

"The truth," he answered simply.

"Oh ok. Where am I Mom? Oh, I'm in a hotel room, skipping my class, in bed with my boyfriend, who you don't know anything about by the way. Who is he? Oh he's a devastatingly gorgeous musician from England, who flies down every couple of weeks so we can have wild passionate sex for the time he's here," I finished my mock conversation with my mom, my hand to my ear, my voice still raised, his back still to me.

He let out a long and deep sigh; the air escaping from his lungs slowly. I heard him laugh quietly. He turned around with a smug look on his face. He walked over to me and put his arms around my waist, looking down on me.

"Devastatingly gorgeous? Wild, passionate sex eh?" he smirked, making me blush yet again.

"Oh God," I sighed out, burying my head into his chest.

"I guess that wouldn't have gone over too well, you're right," he said, lifting my chin with his hand, bringing my stare to his.

"I just want to be part of your life. It's hard for me to…just… not be," he said almost in a whisper.

I saw the hurt in his eyes and it made my heart fracture, not being able to stop this pain he felt. I had caused it, but there was no way I could undo it, no way to prevent it. This hurt was a part of our relationship, and there was no escaping it; it came with having a transatlantic relationship. I pushed up and placed my lips on his tenderly, not really knowing what else to do; I hoped that actions could speak more than words.

"Plus, I'm sure that people in your life in England don't really know about me," I pointed out, pulling away from him.

There was a long pause. I knew the answer, but it was almost as if he was afraid to say it.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. But the guys know and some management, but I guess that's it. You're right, how would I explain having a great girlfriend thousands of miles away?" he answered.

"You know Judd, you're very insecure. You always play that cocky stud in your band, where is he?" I asked teasingly.

"Well what can I say? You're the only one I feel this way about," he said, his tone serious.

It made my heart melt. He was just as insecure about this as I was. I doubt I was his first love, but he was MY first and this was all new to me; so it was nice to know that I wasn't the only one that had doubts.

"Ok, enough of this serious talk," I said, breaking away from him and making my way over to the couch, by the bed, where my clothes were laid, "What do you want to do today?" I asked.

"Don't you have some classes or something?" he asked a little shocked.

"Well I had one, but," I said glancing at the clock on the side table, "it's been over for about an hour. Why? Are you trying to get rid of me already Judd?" I finished.

"Oh no, I just thought you had some things to do; it always seems like you do," he answered.

"Well, nope, I'm free; I'm all yours for the day," I said, winking at him.

He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me again.

"I like the sound of that," he growled into my ear. I giggled quietly.

"So, what do you want to do?" I asked, trying to talk while he kissed away at my neck.

"I think I'm already doing it," he mumbled into my skin.

"Dirty, dirty mind Judd. I'm serious, let's go somewhere. It's not often we get to spend the whole day together," I said, breaking away from him, turning around to face him.

"Well, I don't mind. How about we go to Toronto? Never really been around there," he suggested.

"Sounds good to me, we can go around the stores. Although I'm sure that it's nothing compared to London. I definitely don't shop at those 'posh' places like you do, so I'm not the best person to take you around the stores really," I said mockingly, faking a British accent.

"You know you're rubbish at British accents," he said resting his arms on my shoulders.

"Hey, I thought I wasn't too bad," I say, feigning fake shock in my voice.

"Aw, but I think that little twang in your Canadian accent is much cuter," he spoke softly into my ear, kissing it gently.

"Really? A twang? I guess since I speak it I don't hear it, but I have to say, those British accents make me go weak in the knees," I sighed absent-mindedly.

"Oh, I get it now, so THAT'S why you like me eh?" he answered, rolling his eyes a little.

"Well, I can't say that the accent wasn't my first attraction. I'm a sucker for them, what can I say? But now I stay with you for your skills in bed," I replied calmly, not even looking at him,

I was suddenly swept off my feet, Harry picking me up and carrying me around the room. I wiggled in his arms, trying to break free from his hold.

"Put me down," I screamed, as he continued to carry me with ease.

"Well, I have to put my skills to use don't I?" he asked sarcastically.

He slammed me down on the bed, the mattress absorbing my fall, and he crashed down on top of me. His chest was pressed firmly against mine and I could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He kept his face close to mine, not kissing me, but just staring into my eyes. We stayed like that for a while, just staring again. I started to feel self-conscious suddenly and undoubtedly, my face began to heat up. I wanted to break the stare, but something inside me didn't allow it. I just kept my eyes steadily locked on his. He brought his hand up to my face, and ran his thumb gently under my eye and down my cheek.

"You know you're really beautiful," he whispered.

"Harry stop it," I said, the blood rushing furiously to my face, cursing myself for the lack of control over the color of my face.

"Stop what?" he asked, still looking intently at my face.

"Stop that, stop saying those things," I said, finally breaking his gaze and looking around the room; anywhere but his eyes.

"Aw, why? It's true," he whispered, finally bringing his lips in contact with my skin.

I just closed my eyes, and let my head roll back as he kissed away softly at my neck. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer. He was so sweet, and so… just… everything I had wanted. He was being perfect, and I didn't want to spoil this; I wanted to show him that it meant the world to me. I pulled his face up to mine and placed my lips on his, the kiss exploding between the two of us. His lips moved against mine, the breathing becoming erratic. I rolled him over, putting all my weight on his body as we just lay there, kissing away passionately. I pulled away slowly, not breaking eye contact with him.

"You have no idea how much I care about you," I whispered, still looking intently into his eyes.

He didn't say anything; he just pulled me into another kiss. It was tender, soft, yet full of desire and want. I relaxed into it, exhaling loudly as his tongue brushed against my lips. I closed my eyes as we continued our embrace. After what seemed like ages, yet not long enough, he pulled away, gasping slightly for air.

"I care about you so much," he said in a hushed tone.

The smile that was already on my lips grew and I could see his eyes twinkle softly. I just looked at him, the content feeling filling every inch of my body. I placed my hands gently on his chest and pushed off him and into a standing position.

"Ok, enough of this lovey-dovey stuff, let's get going," I said, grabbing the remainder of my clothing and putting it on.

"Can't we just stay here a little longer?" he asked pleading with me.

"Well," I paused thinking it over," no. Let's go. Come on, we still have to go to my house so I can get a change of clothing," I finished.

"Fine, but, you owe me a repeat performance from last night," he said, hitting my butt lightly, giving me a quick wink as he made his way to the bathroom.

Boys, what am I going to do with them? All he thought about was sex, but hey I can't call him on it; I would be a hypocrite. When I was around him, my head was filled with inappropriate thoughts. I rubbed my head gently, trying to shake all the wrong thoughts out of my head. I was looking forward to today, it was yet another normal thing that we could do together. I relished in this normalcy; we were becoming stronger, being able to get past that little snag this morning. It was better, and I couldn't hide my contentment. I was getting what I wanted, but yet again, that quiet subdued nagging crept up on me. Why? Why now?


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18 – '…much too far…'**

We chatted animatedly the whole drive to Toronto. It was complete and utter nonsense, but I enjoyed it. He told me some stories of his band mates, some things about his family, his touring; he just told me about things in his life, the things I missed out on. It made me sad at times, but I just pushed that into the back of my mind, focusing on him being with me now. I regretted that we really didn't have stories to tell about each other; we didn't have those little stories that people had to tell others about themselves, about us. We didn't have time for little stories, for anecdotes to be created. Since we saw each other for short periods of time, we only really had big events that happened. I could never start something to my friends by, 'Remember the time when Harry…'; first reason being I didn't really have a funny story to tell about something Harry did, and second, only a few of my friends knew about him. Oh man, this was complicated and the more serious this got, the more the webs got tangled suffocating both of us.

I was the one that drove; Harry feeling apprehensive of driving on the 'wrong side of the road' as he said. I didn't mind; I was used to driving all the time. We parked at my work, it being close to everything in downtown Toronto. The streets were relatively empty; it was too cold to be walking around outside, but I guess we were the crazy ones. It wasn't that bad; the odd flurry coming down on us every once in a while. Harry kept grabbing my hand, wanting to walk hand in hand; normally I would have pulled away, but it was cold, and the warmth of his skin on mine was far too welcoming to pass up.

We walked past a lot of shops, stopping in almost every one to bask in the heat, trying to warm our freezing bodies every so often. I didn't buy too much; it wasn't my type of shopping. Unlike most girls, I did not enjoy shopping. If I did have to shop, I would know exactly what I wanted, get in the store and get out. But I didn't see this as shopping; I just saw it as spending time with Harry.

"You like those shoes?" he asked me, walking up behind me as I looked at a pair of boots.

"Yeah, they're not too bad," I said, putting them down.

"Well, why are you putting them away then? Try them on," he insisted, picking up the pair of boots and handing them to me again.

"Nah, don't feel like it," I answered, putting them back down.

"Aw, come on, try them on, I want to buy them for you," he told me, the boots in his hands once again.

"Oh no, that's quite alright," I answered, walking across the store to another display.

He quickly followed and joined me at the next display.

"What? Why can't I buy you something?" he asked a slight annoyance present in his voice.

"Oh it's alright Harry, thanks but no thanks," I said, not really paying attention to what was going on, I just continued to focus on what was in front of me.

He put his hand around my arm and turned me around a little forcefully, making me face him. I looked up into his eyes and just smiled innocently, pecking him lightly on the lips after scanning the store quickly.

"What?" I asked when his grip didn't loosen around my arm.

"Why are you like that?" he asked, his voice very serious.

"Like what?" I asked bewildered a little.

"Like that; not letting me do anything for you. I wanted to buy you something," he said softly, brushing my cheek with the back of his hand.

"Aw that's sweet Harry, but really unnecessary," I said, turning back to the display I was looking at before.

"I know it's not 'necessary', but I want to. I never get to buy you anything, let me buy you some boots; it's what normal boyfriends and girlfriends do. Most girls would be jumping at the chance of getting something bought for them," he said, smirking slightly, coming up beside me.

"Well, I thought you would have learned by now Judd, I am not most girls," I said, turning towards him and giving him a quick wink.

"Oh I know, believe me," he said rolling his eyes.

"Hey, what is THAT supposed to mean?" I asked, smacking him gently on the chest and feigning shock.

"Hey, I wasn't the one who said it, you were, I was just agreeing," he defended himself.

"Sneaky, very sneaky. I'll let it go this time," I said, revealing a small smile. "So, are you done in here then? You don't seem to be looking around anymore," I asked.

"No, we're not done in here. I still want to get you something," he insisted.

"Oh come on Harry, don't be silly," I brushed him.

"I'm not, why can't I get you anything, I want to do something for you," he persisted again.

"Harry, you're doing enough just by being here," I said getting closer to him, "and nothing you could buy me could be better," I finished. "Oh God, that was so cheesy, but there you go Harry, you make me cheesy," I said, burying my head in his chest again.

"Aw, well fine, you win for now, but I will find something to get you," he said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me out of the store.

We made our way down the street, passing more shops, and then passing the national music television building. I pointed it out to him, mentioning all the bands I had gone to see down there, explaining that the street would be blocked off normally, all the fans standing out in the street for the live music performances. He just kind of stood there, staring at it.

"Small no?" he finally said.

"I know it's nothing compared to the BBC, or whatever you have in England, but it's ours, it's Canadian, so I'm rather biased," I said, defending my home country a little.

"It's ok, I'm rather biased as well; Canada seems to have some of my favourite things," he said, turning to me, a cocky smirk on his face.

"Oh is that true?" I asked sarcastically.

He brought his hands up to the collar of my jacket, grabbing it and pulling it closer to my face to block it from the wind. He then brought his arms around my waist and his face close to mine. I stared intently into his eyes, them sparkling in the Christmas lights that were in the display windows. I mimicked his actions, draping my arms lazily around his middle. I cocked my head to the side, raising my eyebrows slightly, anticipating an answer.

"Yeah, I absolutely LOVE maple syrup," he said loudly, leaning his head back, emphasizing the word 'love'.

My jaw hung in shock, and I dropped my arms quickly from his side. I pulled out of his grasp and turned quickly on my heel, walking briskly down the street. I walked for about 5 seconds, before I heard his footsteps pound behind me on the pavement. I couldn't help the small smile that crept up on my face, but I did my best to hide it. I heard him yell 'Wait! Stop! Come back!' as he tried to catch up with me. It didn't take him too long; his hand was firmly placed upon mine within seconds. He pulled me back and turned me to face him. I tried to keep a straight face, this proving harder than I imagined. I looked up at him, pulling all my 'anger' towards my face, but saw that his was full of worry and his eyes were so apologetic. I instantly felt guilty.

"I was only kidding…" he began to explain, slightly out of breath.

I didn't let him finish, my lips meeting with his in a quick peck while I stood on tip toe. I pulled away slowly and dropped my gaze to the sidewalk, my facing turning a light shade of pink again. I wouldn't normally do that out in public, in view for every passer-by to see, but I figured I had made that bad joke, he had worried, a small kiss wouldn't hurt. As I pulled away, I saw the wave of relief wash over him, and he just smiled down at me.

"Not funny," was all he said, re-wrapping his arms around my hips.

"Well I thought it was a little funny, and hey you deserved it, or should I go find you a bottle of maple syrup to cuddle with now," I said sarcastically.

"Nah, I think I can deal with what I have at the moment," he said, looking away from my face and up to the sky.

"DEAL? Well, how do you ever manage to put up with THAT?" I asked all too dramatically, pulling his face down to meet my eyes.

"I manage somehow," he answered with a huge grin on his face.

"You're lucky I'm so great, other girls would have slapped you by now," I said, laughing to myself quietly.

He leant down and tenderly set his lips on mine, moving them slowly as his embrace tightened around my waist. I exhaled deeply into the kiss, falling into the hold that Harry had on me. I parted my lips slightly as his tongue brushed against my mouth, my hands instinctively wrapping around his neck, pulling me up slightly. We remained like that for only moments wrapped up in a sensual, passion-filled kiss, the cold from outside no longer nipping at our skin as my whole body was filled with a wonderful warm sensation. The touch of his skin on mine made ever nerve in my body tingle and hum with excitement. I drew away from him, keeping my arms firmly placed around his neck, the bliss over-whelming me. I knew my face was a deep shade of crimson now, the kiss making me hot all over. I couldn't look him in the eyes, embarrassment filling all my senses.

"I think we've given these people enough of a show no?" I said, composing myself, and pulling out of his firm hold.

I started to walk away and felt his hand entwine in mine as he caught in step with me. I looked at him and just smiled, and then quickly looked away. I felt him squeeze my hand a little tighter and I looked down at our interweaved fingers, and I couldn't stop the soft sigh that escaped my lips. I looked back up to Harry's face, catching him glancing at our hold as well, and just smiled at him. We continued walking down the street like this; the only thought that filled my head was, 'I have become my worst nightmare, I have fallen head over heals for this guy', but it didn't bother me like it usually did. This had to be a sign right?

"You know, I think I may have found something new to be my favourite thing in Canada," he began to say matter-of-factly.

"You better say me, or someone is sleeping alone tonight," I said, stealing glances of him from the side of my eyes.

"I wouldn't dream of saying anyone else although…"

"OH MY GOD!" Harry was interrupted by a pair of high-pitched voices screaming in front of us.

I turned abruptly to look at the source of the noise. It was two girls, somewhere between the ages of 15-17, the smiles on their faces miles long. Their eyes were wide and they were shaking slightly. I couldn't help but smile at them.

"Are you Harry from…" one girl started to ask shakily.

"From McFly? Yes," Harry answered in a kind voice.

I admired that about him. He was so kind and warm to these girls, who he didn't even know. The two girls turned to each other and let out a collective squeal before turning back to face Harry.

I felt Harry untwine his fingers from mine, dropping my hand. My arm felt heavy hanging at my side, heavier than usual. The cold quickly tangled itself around my now naked skin and sent shivers up my arm, the hairs standing on end. It must have felt colder than it actually was, the outside weather mirroring my emotions that erupted from the inside. It hurt, my heart sinking in my chest, that he had let go. It was a small action, but it was symbolic in a huge way. Us holding hands was a small intimate action that I had opened up to experiencing with him, and it was as if he was rejecting it. But I knew why he did it. No one knew about me, and that was how the plan was supposed to go for now. If he was caught holding my hand, or any girl's hand for that matter, the news would spread like wildfire. If these girls had noticed, they could easily go on the internet, and this news would travel instantaneously back to England and could potentially cause an uproar. I understood, but it was still painful to experience.

"Oh my god! I can't believe I'm standing in front of Harry Judd," the one girl said out loud, the whole time staring at Harry with a goofy grin on her face.

"How are you ladies?" he asked, being polite.

I began to back away slowly, not wanting to draw attention to myself. I listened intently to the conversation he was having with his fans, but it was typical; Can you sign this? Can I have a hug? Could I get a picture? I spotted a coffee shop just on the corner of the street and decided it would be a good place to hide-out until Harry was finished. As I approached the doors of the shop, I could still hear the girls talk animatedly to Harry, giggling loudly and squealing sporadically as he spoke to them. Then I heard it.

"So who is that eh?" one girl asked nervously.

There was a long pause. I caught myself standing in front of the coffee shop door, with my hand firmly placed upon the handle, pausing to hear the answer to the question.

"Oh, she's just my cousin, came to visit family," he lied, speaking completely normally to the girls.

At that moment, my heart shattered. There was a sharp constricting feeling in my chest and I found it hard to breath. I pulled the door open quickly, feeling the tears prick my eyes. I rushed past all the customers and made my way to the bathroom. I had to compose myself before Harry came back, he couldn't see me like this. I was being stupid about this, but I just couldn't help it. It was way too painful to hear him say that about me. I knew he was only trying to protect me, but I just wasn't prepared for that. It had blindsided me, the fans coming out of nowhere. I wasn't even supposed to hear that conversation. But I had. I had heard every word. The tone of his voice when he uttered the words 'she's just' was just so stale, the words echoing in my head over and over again.

I walked into the stall, closing the door behind me quietly. I leaned my back against it, letting out a loud sigh, silent tears streaking my cheeks. I was being a stupid emotional girl; he had to do this, it was his job. He told me about it; I just never thought that it would happen when I was around. I never thought that when he said it, it would hurt me so much. But it did, and now I was standing in a coffee shop bathroom, crying silently over something a boy said. Pathetic. I had to shake this. I was stronger than this, and I wasn't going to let it get the best of me.

I leant down, grabbed some toilet paper, and dabbed at my tear-stained cheeks, hoping that the redness from crying would subside. I unlocked the door quietly, walking over to the sink and running the warm water. I rinsed my face gently, trying to purge my face of the signs of crying.

_Beep, beep._

I was startled by the beeping of my phone and pulled out of my trance. I stared at the pocket of my jacket, apprehension washing over me as I knew who was calling me. I took in a deep breath and reached for the vibrating object in my pocket. I pulled it out and glanced at the name, 'Harry' flashing across the screen. I glanced up at my reflection in the mirror again, taking in the puffiness of my eyes and the over-all look of myself. I took in another deep breath, composing myself and then picked up the phone.

"Hey," I answered.

"_Where are you? I looked back and couldn't find you,"_ he asked, his voice full of worry.

"Sorry, I just had to use the bathroom, so I'm in the coffee shop at the corner of the street," I answered, my voice low, willing it not to break and give away my true feelings.

"_Oh ok. Well I'll be right there, wait for me,"_ he said into the receiver.

"Yeah ok," I said quietly.

I heard the phone click and I pulled it away from my ear. I stared in to it for a second and sighed deeply yet again. I was being stupid, I had convinced myself of that; I had to pull it together. So that's exactly what I did; I put my phone away, wiped my eyes one last time, dried my cheeks and took in one final deep breath, calming my nerves.

I walked out of the bathroom, and saw Harry walking through the door; his eyes frantically scanning the store for me. I smiled weakly, noticing the panic in his face, showing that he did care for me, confirming my stupidity from before. His eyes caught me, and he began to walk over in my direction. He reached me and let out a deep sigh, very much like my own that had been released earlier.

"I'm so sorry about that," he said quietly, his feet shuffling as he spoke.

"It's ok," I responded, equally as quiet.

There was a slight awkwardness between us; something was hanging between us, waiting to drop. I knew what it was, but I didn't want to say it.

"I really am sorry," he said again, clasping my hand loosely in his.

"Harry, it's fine, it's your job, I understand," I told him again.

A loud sigh escaped his lips. He looked at me and caught my gaze. It seemed like everyone in the room had disappeared and we only stood there, caught up in each other, silence filling the air. He brought his hand up to my cheek and stroked it gently.

"Why were you crying?" he asked softly, the hurt evident in his voice.

"What? I wasn't crying," I lied hastily.

"Stop it. I can see that you were. I'm so sorry. You heard didn't you," he said, the last part barely escaping a mumble.

"Yeah," I whispered, there was no denying the fact; I didn't want to keep things from him.

"Listen, I didn't mean it, it's just something I've learnt to say, to protect the people around me. You don't know what people are capable of," he said, wrapping a protective arm around my shoulders.

"I know. I'm fine," I said, trying to convince myself in the process.

"I am really sorry though. You mean the world to me," he began to explain.

"Harry…" I interrupted.

"And if I could, I would tell everyone what a great girl I have, how much I want to be with her every moment of the day and night…" he continued.

"Aw Harry…" I interjected again.

"And just how much I love her," he finished.

At that moment, my insecurities flew out of my head and I was filled with complete and utter joy. He always knew what to say, and he was just being so perfect right now. I knew he didn't mean it, and I knew he was only trying to protect himself and me in the process.

"Harry, it's ok. I know," I said, looking up at him. "And I feel the same way," I added.

He pulled me in closer, the embrace around my shoulders tightening, and kissed me tenderly on the cheek.

"I'm spent, let's just go ok?" I said, heading towards the door.

I shifted slightly out of his grasp and pushed for the door. I could tell he was a little hurt, but I didn't want a repeat performance of earlier, and who knew who else would recognize him. He gently tangled his fingertips with mine, just the tips touching, inconspicuously, only for us to know.

"I can't believe you got recognized Harry," I said while not looking at him.

"Yeah me neither, I guess we're bigger than we thought," he said, laughing quietly to himself.

"Not THAT big, it was only two girls Harry," I said, laughing loudly.

"Hey, that was uncalled for," he protested.

"That was only payback for the maple syrup thing," I defended, shaking my head.

He laughed loudly, drawing the attention of certain passers-by. We headed back to the car and drove back to the hotel. The drive back was quiet, but a content quiet. I felt his eyes burn into my face the whole ride back, glancing over at him occasionally, making my face burn with color. I giggled occasionally, not really knowing the reason why. We stopped at my house, picking up my things and then headed over to Harry's room, to spend the rest of the night together.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19 – '…for me to row'**

Pushing through the hotel room door, Harry's and my lips were already connected, hands wandering and breaths shortening. I was carrying all my belongings; a change of clothing, book bag and laptop, and I felt the weight heavy on my shoulders as Harry lead me around the room. He quickly grabbed the straps of the bags and dropped them to the floor.

"Hey, my laptop is in there," I protested pulling away from him, stealing a glance at the bag that now lay sprawled on the floor.

"Fuck it, I'll buy you a new one," he growled.

Grabbing my face forcefully in his hands, he collided his lips with mine again. He pushed me back, unzipping my jacket hastily, and pulling it off my shoulders. He broke the kiss and immediately crashed his lips onto my neck, my skin instantly burning with desire as he sucked and licked, tracing paths along the length of the muscles in my neck. My nerves buzzed, excitement running through ever vessel in my body.

He hurriedly began to grab at my clothing, pulling and lifting it away from my body. His lips only left mine briefly, leaving only millimetres between our faces, as he glanced down at my clothing, concentrating on undoing the zipper of my sweater. I pulled away from his face and just stared at him as he continued to concentrate on the article of clothing in front of him. I just looked at him, and I didn't know if it was the racing of my heart or the heat between us, but as my eyes fell onto his body I was finding it hard to breath.

I couldn't contain it anymore; I grabbed his shirt, and pulled it up over his neck, revealing the skin of his chest and stomach. I saw the sly smirk cross his face and all I wanted to do was to wipe it off by kissing the hell out of him. I grabbed his lips in mine and moved them on his, passionately yet roughly, hunger for his taste consuming me. I felt him fiddle with my belt buckle, slipping his hand between the hot skin of my stomach and my jeans as he succeeded in undoing them rather quickly. They dropped to the floor and I stepped out of them. I pulled away from him abruptly and began to caress the bare skin of his shoulders with hot, wet kisses, moving slowly across from one shoulder to the other, crossing his collarbone and dipping down to his chest along the way. I felt his hands run up and down my back, finding my spine, as his fingertips traced slowly and teasingly along the length. He was driving me crazy, my mind spinning with his scent and touch and just the heat emanating from his body. I brought my mouth to his ear, my breathing heavy and deep, and began to suck gently on his earlobe, biting it ever so gently occasionally.

I heard a low, loud moan escape his mouth as he hands grabbed my thighs and lifted me up, my legs instinctively wrapping around his waist. He began to stumble back towards the bed, hitting a table and a chair along the way, frustration evident in the low grunts that went into the kiss. My mouth broke away from his, the lack of air in my lungs over-whelming me. We stayed apart as he continued to carry me; one hand placed firmly under my butt, while the other found its way under my shirt and traced small circles on the small of my back. He brought his hand from under my shirt and to the back of my head, running his fingertips through my hair and pushing my face into his. He brought his mouth to my ear, and now his breathing was tickling the skin of my neck, sending shivers down my body.

"You are so damn hot," he said in between deep breaths, "I just want to…"

"Should you be talking this way about your cousin?" I interrupted him, laughing loudly at my comment.

He stopped in his tracks, putting me down gently. I didn't think twice about it, but just advanced towards him and went to put my arms around him, but was stopped when he put his hands on my shoulders, and kept me at arms length.

I heard a loud sigh leave his mouth; it seemed mixed with guilt and frustration. He stepped back and brought his hand to the back of his neck, rubbing it nervously. I felt very self conscious all of a sudden, standing in the room with only a t-shirt and underwear. I pulled down my shirt, trying to cover some of the bare skin that now seemed inappropriately exposed. I felt a chill in the room; not sure whether it was the actual temperature, or the emptiness from the lack of Harry's touch. I felt myself shift my weight back and forth from one leg to another, anxiousness filling me.

"Listen, I told you I didn't really mean it," he began to speak in a slow and low tone, as if trying to make me truly understand exactly what he was saying.

"I know," I said in almost a whisper.

"I don't think that way about you, not at all. It was only to protect you, please believe me," he said, the pleading in his voice making me melt.

"I know," I repeated.

He just sighed again, this time a little quieter, his breathing slow and deep. I heard his feet drag along the carpet as he moved closer to me, clasping my fingertips in his hands. We stood there for moments; I stared intently at our intertwined fingers, the heat from his skin running from my fingertips, up my arm and filling my chest. I let a loud breath escape my lips, not knowing what to say. He placed his finger under my chin and pulled it up.

"Do you really?" he asked.

"Do I really what?" I replied, not really knowing what he meant.

"Do you really know? Do you really believe me?" he asked again.

I dropped my head and paused. In my head, I had rationalized to myself that I was being stupid; that I had over-reacted to what happened today. But deep down, I just couldn't shake it. The dismissive tone that his voice had taken on when he spoke about me to those girls kept ringing in my head; over and over again, just repeating, making me weaker and weaker every time it did. I guess he took my silence as apprehension, as a no essentially, and I guess that's what it really was. He pulled me in even closer, placing his hand at the small of my back, bringing me into him, our chests pressed up against one another, my eyes still focused downwards.

"You have to believe me; you mean the world to me. I only said those things because it's for the better," he paused, looking at me for some affirmation that I understood, but I just stood there, silent, limp and lifeless.

"Look at me," he said, bringing my gaze to his again, "you really do have to believe me, it was a reflex, I only want to protect you. You mean so much to me; I don't want you having to deal with some of the crap I have to. You're far too special for that, and just because you're with me doesn't mean you should be subjected to that ridicule. I'm so sorry, please, believe me," he pleaded again, his eyes glistening in the light from outside.

"I do," I exhaled, "I really do, I'm just being stupid. I know you didn't mean it. I just made a stupid joke, trying to be clever," I laughed at myself.

He pulled my face up to his and brought his lips close to mine, hovering teasingly in front of them.

"You have a sick sense of humour," he chuckled, raising his eyebrow into a smug look.

"Oh shut up and kiss me already Harry," I growled into his lips.

I pulled him by the waist of his jeans and smashed into him, our arms wrapping around each other almost immediately. I kept one hand on his belt, pulling him in my direction as I continued to walk backwards, our kiss now furious with desire. The side of the bed hit the back of my knees and I fell back effortlessly, pulling him down with me. He landed on top of me, his weight resting on his arms placed on either side of my head. He pulled up from me, and just stared down. I didn't meet his gaze; I just concentrated on undoing his belt. I bit my lip as I worked away, frustration setting in as it took me abnormally long to pull it off him.

His jeans were the next to hit the floor, followed by the rest of our clothing, leaving us shameless on the bed. The loud breathing and moans that filled the room were full of ecstasy. My heart raced with excitement as his body pressed up against mine, his breathing shallow and sporadic. Every single nerve ending in my body exploded with sensation as the muscles in his body tensed; it seemed like every inch of his skin was in contact with mine.

"Oh God Harry," I exhaled, no breath left in my lungs.

He didn't say anything; he just rolled beside me, and kept his eyes intently focused on my face. He took his hand and gently brushed the hair from my cheek as I continued to catch my breath. Exhaustion washed over me; my eyelids feeling heavy. I felt them close, Harry's fingertips gently sweeping across my eyelids, his lips meeting mine in a tender kiss. I laid there limp, responding into the kiss, only moving my lips. That's the last thing I remember before drifting into a blissful sleep; no doubt, no regret, no sticky feeling, just complete and utter bliss.

I woke the next morning to the beeping sound of my phone; it was the alarm I had set the previous night. I had some things to do, so I couldn't spend the entire day sleeping. I rolled over in the bed, facing Harry, who had his head buried into the pillow. He looked peaceful and I caught myself staring once again. I allowed it though, brushing it off as my attempt at remembering; my attempt at taking a mental snapshot so that I could relive this over and over again when he wasn't here. I wanted to remember him like that forever.

I shuffled out of bed, not really wanting to leave my warm cocoon, but knowing that I had to. I grabbed a change of clothing and headed into the bathroom. I turned on the water and let the steam rise and fill the small room. I was sticky and stale from the previous night, but I was happy. I let the water engulf me and wrap me in its warmth. I stood there for a long time, letting my mind wander and my thoughts consume me. It wasn't the usual doubt from before, but more of a content reliving of what had happened for the past couple of days; the happiest couple of days in my life, even though there were some rough patches. It was still good, great for that matter, and these last couple of days had cemented my true feelings for Harry.

I walked out of the bathroom, all clean and fresh, and my eyes fell immediately on the bed. He was still fast asleep, looking completely gorgeous lying amongst the strewn sheets. I found myself staring, yet again, biting my bottom lip. Oh man, I really had fallen hard. Damn it.

I shook my head, focusing back on what I had to do today. I had one lab, so I couldn't miss that. I pulled out my laptop and set it up, going to finish up some work while Harry slept. I finished prepping for the lab, reading up on methods and materials and some reactions that I had to perform. I checked my phone; I had some missed calls and messages. All from my friends and housemates; they consisted of 'where are you?', 'where have you been for two days?', etc. I guess I should have let some people know where I was. Damn it, I did it again, forgetting about the people close to me. I made a few calls, letting my friends know that I wasn't laying in some ditch clinging for my life. They had figured I was with Harry, but gave me a hard time about my lack of 'communication'. They made jokes about me being busy in 'bed' the whole time, too busy to make a phone call. I let them have their fun, it wasn't often that they could make fun of me for this, so I welcomed it in a weird way; this just made my thing with Harry that little bit more normal.

I checked my email, finding a few more new emails than I expected; I wasn't exactly the most popular person ever. A few were from my friends, but there was one official email from the university. It was odd; I only ever received official emails at the beginning of the year regarding courses and such, but never in the middle of the year. It was from Administration, the Registrar to be more specific. My heart started to pound in my chest, my mind racing with possible reasons as to why they had to email me in the middle of the year. My hand started to shake and I clicked on the email, my mouth suddenly dry and my breath shallow.

'_You have been put on scholarship probation due to insufficient compliance with requirements.'_

My heart stopped. I couldn't breath. That line was repeated over and over again in my head. The email was short and to the point, but it carried miles and miles of meaning with it; my school, my education, my life. I didn't know what to think, so many questions were running through my head; one banging into another, causing a mess. I didn't know what I was going to do. I had to sort this out, I had to fix it. I just had to. I remained frozen, re-reading the same words over and over again. A singe tear escaped my eye, running slowly down my cheek, dropping off the edge of my jaw. I felt a hand placed lightly on my shoulder and I was startled from my frozen state. It was Harry, and I quickly wiped my cheek, not wanting him to see. I abruptly slammed my laptop shut and turned to face him, plastering a fake smile on my lips.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked concerned.

"Oh nothing, really, just checking my email," I said looking down.

"You're lying again, I know you are, just tell me," he persisted.

"Nothing really," I repeated.

"Come on, you can tell me. I want to know. What's wrong?" he asked again.

"God Harry, can't you just learn to LEAVE IT!" I yelled, getting up quickly.

I didn't know why I was yelling at him, I definitely wasn't angry with him, I was just angry in general; desperate really, grasping at straws as my education was at stake. He looked so hurt after I yelled at him, guilt filling my senses immediately. I didn't mean to do that, it just came out, I couldn't stop it. I felt myself calm down, and I turned slowly to him, still standing at the desk where I had previously sat.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

I heard him sigh deeply, but he didn't look up; he just continued to stare down. I walked over to him and clasped his hand in mine.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you," I explained, willing for him to look at me and see the deep regret in my eyes.

"Ok," he answered, never once moving his gaze.

"I really am, it's just…" I paused, not really knowing where I wanted to go with this.

"You don't want to tell me," he said in a low voice.

"There's nothing to tell, I was just being stupid," I lied.

What was with me and lying to him? Why couldn't I just tell him about my probation? I know why; he would blame himself somehow. Then there would be an awkwardness between us, a tension that would just create more problems. I didn't want that for the remaining days with him. I would deal with it, and he would be none the wiser. I was a big girl, and I could handle this, somehow.

"Listen, I have to go now. I have school and I have to go and see some people before my lab," I said, pulling away from him.

I busied myself, gathering my possessions from around the room, not really wanting to look at him and see how much of a bitch I was being. I had to deal with some things that were slightly more pressing right now, and I would handle this battle tonight, when I got home. I had my bags packed and I was ready to leave, when I glanced back at Harry, noticing he hadn't moved from his spot the entire time. My shoulders dropped and I felt that guilt again. I couldn't leave it like this. I walked over to him and placed my bags down at my feet.

"I'm so sorry for earlier, I really am," I said, wrapping my arms around his waist, and resting my head on his chest.

He didn't respond for a few moments, his body completely still as I pressed against him. He then slowly raised his arms and draped them on my hips, resting his chin on the top of my head. I squeezed him tightly, taking in the smell of his shirt as I nuzzled further into his chest. I lifted my head gently and stood on tip toes, reaching for his lips and meeting them in a slow and tender kiss.

"Do you want to meet me at my house after my lab?" I asked quietly, pulling away from his face.

"Ok," he answered shortly.

"Ok," I repeated, not knowing what else to say.

I pulled out of his arms and picked up my bags again. I headed for the door and just before reaching for the handle; I turned around to steal one last glance of him.

"I love you Harry," I found myself whispering almost to myself as my head dropped.

He didn't respond, so I just pulled on the handle and walked out. I walked down to my car, putting all my things on the passenger seat and sitting heavily on my own side. I closed the door, and turned on the ignition, the music blasting through the speakers. I placed my hands on the top of the steering wheel, and found my head following, resting gently on the backs of my hands. I exhaled deeply, all the air from my lungs escaping, taking with it the immense guilt that had built up. What had I done? Why had I managed to fuck things up yet again?


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20 – 'It seems…'**

So I went to go and speak to Administration, see if I could clarify this 'probation' nonsense that they were talking about. I had been a model student; well maybe not the best, but I had decent grades, participated in choice societies and did some volunteer work. What had I violated that they felt the need to put me on probation?

Walking into the building, I felt weak, dizzy almost. My hands were clammy; cold and sweaty all at the same time. I couldn't shake the small tremors that would run through my arms, down my hands and out through my fingers. I approached the door, and just stood there staring at the lettering on the window. I was petrified. What if what they told me I couldn't fix? What if when I went in there, they would tell me that they couldn't have me at the university any longer, and that I had to leave? What was I going to do then? Ideas raced through my head at a hundred kilometres per hour, just speeding around aimlessly, searching for some logic to grasp on to, to anchor it. I took a long deep breath, my chest rising, and reached forward for the handle. It was cold, and it sent shivers up my arm.

It was my worst nightmare; I was in complete shock. That was the only way I could truly explain it; I couldn't form any proper thoughts, shock just immobilized me and left me speechless. I was on academic probation. I had let my grades slip, so much so that I had to be put on academic probation until they improved, and if not, I was going to lose my scholarship. That is what the lady behind the desk told me. She was kind, had sympathetic eyes, and a soft, compassionate voice, but the news she delivered was as cruel and heartless as they came.

I knew I had been having some trouble with certain courses over the term, but nothing drastic. I had asked to see a transcript of my marks, to see where I could improve. My marks were slightly lower than last year, but the thing that had pushed my probation over the edge was my organic chemistry midterm mark. It was the midterm of that fateful night. Oh God. I had let a boy get in between me and my goals. I was stupid for letting my mind become preoccupied with some stupid boy; I had let my heart cloud my better judgement.

I was being a complete and utter bitch. I couldn't blame this on him. It was completely MY fault, and no one else's. I refuse to blame others for my faults, for my stupidity. But I couldn't tell him about this; he would surely blame himself. It would eat him up inside and make him rot with guilt. I had to keep this to myself, for now at least, until I figured out what I was going to do. I was going to solve this, I just had to work harder and just hope that it wasn't too late.

My lab was a blur. I remember walking in, silent and emotionless, putting on my lab coat and staring at the pages and chemicals in front of me.

"Hey, are you ok?" my lab partner would ask me intermittently.

I never really answered him; I would just let out a 'hmph' noise, acknowledging that I heard him.

The next thing I knew I was walking out, clutching my bag, lab coat and goggles, not really knowing how I had managed to finish my work. I walked slowly through the halls of the building, not really knowing what to do or where to go. If I went home, I would have to face him; if I stayed here, I would drive myself crazy within these confining walls.

Facing him would prove very difficult. Not only did I now have this bombshell resting on my shoulders, but I also would have to deal with the happenings of this morning. How had I managed to mess everything up within the span of only a few hours? If you had asked me how I thought today would have went, while I was lying in bed last night next to Harry, this would have been a far cry from my predictions.

I found myself wandering the halls, just walking around holding my possessions, with a blank stare on my face. My eyes were glazed over, and my feet kept moving. They moved in circles, around and around, mimicking the racing of my mind. I found an empty corridor, a couple of tables with chairs located at the end. I was drawn towards them, possibly making them my safe haven for now. I needed to sit down, and I needed to think logically.

I slumped into the seat, dropping my bags on the table, feeling the cold metal against the skin of my lower back. My head dropped into my hands almost immediately, and a huge sigh escaped my mouth. Being here all alone must have triggered something; silent tears began to stream down my cheeks. No sound, no sniffling, barely a breath, just silent cascades of tears that fell onto the table.

I was normally so organized and prepared. I was always the one that had everything figured out, and suddenly it felt like I had the carpet pulled from under me, leaving me helpless on my back, unable to get up and straighten myself out. It all started with him, but I was not going to blame him. In all honesty, he was one of the greatest things that had happened in my life. If I had known all the problems that would accompany the opening of my heart to this strange boy, I think I would have reconsidered, but then THAT would have been the biggest mistake of my life. I knew now that without a doubt, I wanted to be with him, and that nothing would change that. I just had to be more of myself again.

I had to be logical at a time like this; I had to pull myself together. I furiously wiped my tears from my cheeks with the back of my sleeve, trying to get rid of any evidence of my breakdown. I couldn't express how relieved I was that no one saw me like this. I had to be strong, and I was going to be. I was going to do what I had to do.

I looked out the window and saw that it was pitch black outside; the lights flickered around campus and the straggling students made their way home. I had to be doing the same. Shit. He was waiting for me. I was late again. Damn. I told him to meet me at home, and now I was about an hour late. Now I was going to get it, he had every right to be pissed at me. I was a total bitch this morning; snapping at him, keeping things from him, and acting all distant. Now I had put the icing on the proverbial cake; I was late yet again.

I picked up my belongings, stuffing my lab coat and goggles in my bag, swinging it around onto my shoulders, and doing up my jacket. I walked slowly though, knowing I really should have been in a hurry, but the dread that filled my entire body was over-whelming. I had to calm down before I saw him again, and really figure out what I was going to do.

It was abnormally mild outside that night, surprising me as I stepped out of the building. It was beautiful tonight, the air crisp and clear, but not so cold that it froze you to the bone. The wind swept past me, my hair blowing behind me. I stopped in my tracks, closed my eyes, and took in a deep breath, inhaling the clean smell of the night air. I suddenly felt a little lighter, slightly braver to face the situations waiting for me.

I walked home, slowly, one step at a time. I reached my block, my street, my driveway, my porch and finally my door. I had my keys all ready in my hands, poised and aimed for the lock of the door, but I stopped for a moment, my hand hovering in mid air in front of the lock. I took in one final deep breath and pushed my hand further towards the metal and slid the key into the lock. Here I was; it was my turn to gravel and beg for forgiveness. Here goes nothing.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21 – '…farther than…'**

As I pushed my way through the door, I was hit by the wonderful smell of food cooking. At that moment, my stomach let out a loud grumble, reminding me I hadn't eaten all day. I was hungry; very hungry. I dropped all my stuff by the door, a loud bang echoing through out the hallway. I ripped my jacket off and threw it on the railing of the stairs, and made my way hurriedly towards the kitchen. Was Harry cooking for me? Probably not, but maybe it was one of my housemates, and maybe I could persuade them to share with me. I was so unbelievably hungry right now. I slowed approaching the kitchen, my feet tired from all the wandering I had done earlier. Then I heard it.

I heard a female laugh that I could never mistake. It was loud, almost a cackle, the breath catching in her throat and making it sound like she was choking. My heart started to race, as my feet did the same, carrying me quickly to the kitchen. I rounded the corner, and burst through the doors.

"MO…" I yelled, stopping mid word at the sight before me.

My mom was standing in the kitchen, cooking something, and Harry was right beside her. He was helping her, stirring something in a pot as they chatted away animatedly. She was laughing, and he had the most adorable grin on his face. But I couldn't breathe, air ceasing to move in or out of my lungs. I should be happy that they're getting along, but I was terrified. My two worlds were crashing together, my mom and my boyfriend were standing in the same kitchen, and it seemed they were enjoying each other's company. Oh God, I was going to have to explain my self to her now. What did Harry tell her? Did he tell her everything? What was she going to say? As all these thoughts were whizzing around in my head, I didn't even notice my mom dropping what she was doing and running towards me, her arms out-stretched.

"Ah, sweetie!" she squealed slightly, wrapping her arms around me, giving me a tight hug.

God I had missed her, but I was preoccupied now. I didn't know what I was going to say, how I was going to justify all of this. I just stood there, my arms lifeless at my sides as my mom held me in a tight hold. I stared at Harry over my mom's shoulder, my eyes wide with shock. His smile faded after he saw my expression, and he quickly looked down keeping his focus on the food he was stirring in front of him. I managed to pull my arms up and reciprocate the hug my mom was giving me, but all the while I was trying out various excuses in my head that I could give her as to who Harry was, and why he is here.

As my mom pulled away, I snapped my focus back to her, and couldn't help but smile a little, even if it was slightly half-hearted, as I saw her glowing expression. She was so happy, you could see it in her eyes, and I really was relieved to have her here in a way. I needed her now, and it was strange how when my world would come crashing down around me, she knew somehow, and managed to either show up, or call me and make me feel better.

"Surprise!" my mom said weakly, smiling widely.

"Oh mom," I sighed, relaxing a little and falling into her, resting my head on her shoulder.

"Aw honey, are you angry?" she asked quietly, stroking my hair lovingly, while rubbing my back gently, her hand moving in small circles on my t-shirt.

"Are you kidding me, why would I be angry? This is a great surprise," I answered genuinely.

"Oh good," she said, relief evident in her voice.

I pulled away from her, and shifted back a little. I started to fidget with my fingers and sway back and forth, shifting weight from one leg to the other.

"What are you doing here?" I asked quietly.

"Well, I thought that since you were busy with all those things all the time that I would come down here and cook you dinner, and maybe we could catch up. I've missed you," she said, the last part sounding a little softer than the rest.

The last three words broke my heart. I had been such a bad daughter, I was neglecting my own mother, the woman that gave me life, and now she was being all apologetic for coming down here. So I guess you could add terrible daughter to the list of all my short-comings, in which horrible girlfriend is also included.

"Aw mom, I love you so much, you're the greatest," I said, putting my arms around here again, pulling her into another hug.

As I pulled away, my eyes caught Harry's; he was watching everything, and I could tell there was something he was missing. You could see it in his eyes; they looked slightly glazed over, and a little envious almost. I looked him straight in the eyes, and he gave me a weak, lop-sided smile and then turned his attention back to the pot. I heard my mom clear her throat and my attention was immediately snapped back to her. She gave me one of those looks; 'the-raised-eyebrow-bobbing-her-head-back-slightly-towards-Harry-stern-look-in-her-eyes' look, as if saying 'and who is this?' I was at a loss for words, but I had to say something. So I breathed in deeply and just decided to go for it.

"So I see you've met Harry mom," I said quietly.

"Yes, I have, he let me in," she replied coyly, edging me on to continue.

"Oh well I'm glad," I spoke again, this time a little more loudly, pausing at the end of my sentence.

My mom kept shifting her eyes between Harry and me; her standing between us. Her stare locked with mine, and it was urging me to go on. She raised her eyebrows again, expecting some answers as to why a strange boy was found alone in my house. I let my gaze break from hers, and drop to the floor, focusing on my fingers fiddling with the hem of shirt.

I began to speak softly, slowly, apprehension evident in my voice, "I'm glad you met him because he's my…"

"Lab partner," he interrupted me.

My head shot up and looked at him with utter shock.

"I came here to pick up some notes for our next lab, and one of your housemates let me in, told me I could wait until you got home," he said calmly, not once breaking eye contact with me.

I just stood there, mouth open and motionless. He had made up an excuse for me. He knew that I wasn't comfortable about telling my mom about us, and that I definitely didn't want her hearing about this from some stranger, and he respected that. He was so God damn sweet, that it made me feel like such a rotten human being after everything I put him through.

"Isn't that right?" he prompted me again, hoping that I would follow along.

"Uh… yeah," I mumbled, not looking away from him.

At those words, I saw him break. I saw the expression on his face drop and his eyes fade. I know he had hoped that I would have contradicted him, telling my mom everything right then and there, because it truly was the perfect opportunity. But I couldn't. I just couldn't bring myself to say it. My mom just stood watching us, taking in all that was happening. I have a feeling she already knew, or at least had a suspicion, but she didn't say anything.

"Well, I should get going," Harry said, clearing his throat, breaking the awkward silence.

I didn't say anything, I just stood there.

"Wouldn't you like to stay for dinner? I have plenty," my mom asked him, seeing that I wasn't moving.

"Uh.." Harry said, looking to me for some sort of sign about what he should do, but not receiving anything, "no but thank you, I really have to be off," he declined.

I didn't dare look up, I just continued to stare downwards, hearing his feet shuffle on the tile floor. My heart was pounding in my chest, my hands shaking. 'Stop being a total bitch and say something' was being repeated over and over again in my head, but my body ignored it. I just stood there, fucking stood there, as the guy I loved walked away, completely rejected by me.

"It was very nice to meet you," he said in his charming English accent to my mom, reaching out and giving her a light hug, pecking her politely on the cheek.

"It was nice to meet you too," my mom answered, a little puzzled.

"I'll see you around," he said, directing the words to me.

I didn't answer again. Why had I suddenly had my lips sealed and was unable to say what was repeated over and over again in my head? He was walking away, and I was standing there. The words 'wait', 'don't go', and 'I want you to stay' were on a constant loop in my head, now just to make my mouth actually say those words. I heard him sigh heavily, picking up his jacket from the couch in the living room and heading for the door. 'MOVE FEET' I could hear myself scream in my head. Running after him and wrapping my arms around him, never letting him go; that's what I should have been doing instead of being rooted to that spot, focusing on my stupid t-shirt. I cursed myself with ever fibre of my being, yet I still didn't move. WHY?

My balance was suddenly interrupted by a sharp nudge to my back. My head snapped up and turned to the direction of the assailant; my mom had this grin on her face, and her stare bore into me. She gave me the look; the 'what the hell are you thinking you idiot, go after him' look.

"Harry wait," I found myself saying.

Finally, some audible words managed to escape my mouth. His step faltered, but he quickly fell back into it, and continued walking, his back still turned to me. Damn it. I felt another sharp poke, and this time I fell forward slightly. Finally managing to uproot my feet from that God forsaken spot, they suddenly came to life, carrying me towards him. I walked quickly, my short legs carrying me as hurriedly as they could to catch up to him. I walked up behind him and reached for his hand. I grasped it tightly, pulling him back. He spun around and finally faced me. He had a glazed look in his eyes, but I could see the immense hurt hiding behind the façade.

"Wait, Harry please," I begged looking up at him.

His eyes were focused on my face, but he just looked past me, as if he was really just looking through me. He then dropped his gaze down, focusing on my hand holding his. Another deep sigh left my lungs; I had some major explaining to do.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled in a low whisper.

He didn't say anything; he just continued to stand there in silence. I deserved it, only moments ago our positions had been reversed. I tightened my grip around his hand, bringing it up to my chest, pushing it up against the fabric of my t-shirt, wanting him to feel the rapid beating of my heart.

"I am SO sorry," I repeated, gently stroking the skin on the back of his hand with my thumb. Silence. So I continued, "I'm stupid, you have every right to be angry with me, but I'm really sorry. I was just shocked and…" I trailed off, not knowing what else to say.

I didn't exactly know myself why I had acted the way I did. Maybe it was a build up of all the things that had happened in the past few days; my brain on a complete over-load. I had to do something to show him that he meant the world to me, and it had to be big. I had to put everything on the line and risk it, maybe this could show him how truly sorry I was for being such a complete bitch for the past couple of days. I stretched up on tip-toe and placed my lips gently on his, hoping that he would respond. He just stood there for a few moments, his hand still in mine, but his lips remained lifeless. I felt him drop his hand from mine, and at the moment I thought he was going to pull away, but instead he wrapped his arms around the small of my back and pulled me up closer to him, lifting me off the ground. His lips began to move immediately, emanating heat from his lips into mine, a burning sensation travelling down my neck and into my chest. My arms instinctively wrapped themselves around his neck and pulled him in closer to me. It felt so good to taste him, and I hungered for it. Something came over me and I just couldn't stop it.

I heard a low clearing of a throat and was immediately snapped back from my hastiness. Oh God, my mom. She was watching and she saw all of that. I pulled away abruptly and wiggled uncomfortably in Harry's hold, willing for him to put me down. The heat that had resided in my chest rose immediately to my face, turning it the all too familiar shade of red.

"Oh God," the words escaped my mouth in a low whisper.

I heard Harry laugh quietly to himself and place a soothing hand on my shoulder, rubbing slowly to indicate that it wasn't so bad. I shook my head; what the hell was getting in to me? I was all over the place; not being logical, being bitchy to people, and kissing my boyfriend passionately in front of my mom. This was not me. Ok back to the task at hand, I had to eradicate what I had messed up earlier. I had to show Harry he was important to me, and this was my opportunity, if this didn't work, I didn't know what would.

I straightened my clothing, rubbing my cheeks gently, and wiped my mouth; his taste still lingering on my lips. I took a deep breath and grabbed hold of Harry's hand firmly and turned on my heel. I could see my mom at the end of the hallway, standing in the doorway uncomfortably. I started to walk towards her, pulling Harry closely behind me.

"Mom," I said reaching her, "I want you to meet Harry", I spoke firmly, pulling him beside me, still holding his hand tightly.

My mom's gaze fell to our intertwined hands and then back up to me. She smiled weakly.

"I've already met him sweetie," she said, playing dumb.

"No, I want you to meet Harry Judd," I said, all of a sudden getting noticeably nervous.

My mom just stared at me with a blank expression on her face, this time truly not being able to follow along.

"Mom, this is Harry," I paused looking up at him, "my boyfriend".

There was silence. Oh man, here it was, I was going to get it. The silence was painful, but I didn't want to break it, or really I just didn't know what to say. My mom had a shocked expression on her face; her eyes wide and her mouth motionless. I just held onto Harry's hand, not ever wanting to let go. I shuffled a little closer to him, pressing the side of my body up against his, finding a curve that almost fit my own perfectly, indicating that I belonged there. He was my safe haven, he made me feel calm and protected and I relished in that feeling.

"Well," my mom began to speak, "it's nice to meet you Harry Judd," she said, extending her arm out in front of her.

Harry was a little taken a back, but he quickly snapped back into form and went to shake her hand. A small smile crept up on his mouth as he shook my mom's hand, and then he pulled away from me and drew my mom into a light hug. He kissed her cheek quickly again, surprising my mom slightly, but really he was only recreating what had happened moments earlier.

"It's very nice to finally meet you," he said with a low chuckle in his voice.

"Finally?" my mom asked a little shocked.

"Well, she speaks so highly of you," he replied, there was that English charm yet again, managing to smooth out an already awkward situation.

"Oh, well isn't she just so sweet," my mom said sarcastically, turning a light shade of pink in the cheeks; I guess that's where I get it from.

I found myself clearing my throat, wanting to move on from this topic of interest. I had managed to finally tell my mom exactly who Harry was, and I felt a thousand pounds lighter. It was good to have it finally out in the open, and to have the two most important people in my life finally meet. Why had I been so stupid before? What the hell was I scared of? At this moment, I couldn't find a single excuse for my foolishness, and if I could have gone back in time, I would have kicked my own ass for being such an idiot.

"So, dinner?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Oh yes, dinner. It's almost ready, just give me 10 more minutes," my mom answered, re-entering the kitchen and busying herself with the pots on the stove again.

"Do you need any help?" I asked, following her in, never letting go of Harry's hand.

"Oh no sweetie, Harry was plenty of help before hand, I'm almost finished," she replied.

"Was he now?" I asked a little shocked.

I looked up at him, my eyebrow raised in an 'is that so?' sort of fashion. He smiled proudly and nodded his head, looking down at me and quickly pecking me on the cheek.

"Yes, yes I was," he said confidently.

"Well I never knew you could cook," I answered mockingly.

"There are certain things about me that you don't know yet," he answered matter-of-factly.

I faked a small shocked expression on my face, bringing my palm to my open mouth. I would have feigned more shock if I wasn't so God damn happy. He said 'yet'. When he said that line, he threw in a 'yet' on the end, indicating that someday I would; that he was going to keep me around, that we had the potential to last. It was little things like this that made me want to kick myself for ever doubting him, for ever doubting this. He was always so open about the way he felt about me, and the fact that he wanted to be with me, but I was always so closed off. Ok, new resolution. From now on, I was going to be fearless and open to Harry, letting him in fully and not holding anything back. I had to change, and it was going to be for the better. I had been so closed off for so long, and he wasn't around a lot, but that didn't matter; from now on no more boundaries.

I must have drifted off into my own world as I was vowing a change in myself because when I snapped back, both Harry and my mom were staring at me, waiting for some sort of answer.

"What?" I asked.

"You ok?" Harry asked, looking down at me.

"Oh yeah, sorry, what did you guys say earlier?" I spoke.

"I was just saying, would you mind setting the table?" my mom answered.

"Oh yeah sure, no problem," I answered, quickly turning around, pulling Harry towards the dining room by the hand that I had yet to let go of.

"I take it Harry is staying for dinner?" my mom called from the kitchen.

"Yeah he is," I screamed back, stealing a glance at him as I said those words.

Walking into the dining room, I quietly closed the door, only allowing a small click to be heard as the handle turned. I turned to him, leaning against the door, my face serious.

"Listen, I'm so sorry Harry," I said in a whisper, not wanting my mom to hear our conversation.

"Shhh, it's ok. I'm just glad that you finally introduced me to you mom," he said, a huge grin spreading across his face.

He moved closer to me and draped his arms on my hips, my head leaning against the hard wood of the door. We stood close to one another like this for a few moments, our eyes locked. I could feel his eyes scanning mine, searching for some hint of doubt that I may have been feeling after the scene in the kitchen, but he wouldn't find any. There was no doubt, no apprehension in my mind. I could not express how happy I was for what had just happened. It had taken me too long, far too long to get to where we were right now, but now I was just ecstatic.

He brought his hand softly to my cheek, cupping my face gently, stroking his thumb back and forth tenderly over the skin of my cheek. I smiled, probably the goofiest smile ever, but nonetheless, one of pure joy. I brought my hands to the zipper of his jacket and slowly undid it; he wasn't going to need this anymore, he wasn't going anywhere.

He closed the distance between us, my chin lifting to meet his lips in a soft and tender kiss. The moment our skin touched, heat exploded between us and an urgency built up. Our hands started to wander; his down my side to my jeans, and mine up and under his shirt. I wrapped my arms around his waist, still under his shirt, and pulled him abruptly towards me, his hands flying up quickly to brace himself on the door, straddling my head. My mouth worked furiously, massaging his lips with mine, tongues brushing against each other in a battle of dominance. Our breaths were short as our mouths continued to hunger for each other.

"Is everything ok in there?" I heard my mom scream from the kitchen.

"Shit, shit," I mumbled as I pushed him away abruptly, "yeah everything's fine," I replied.

What the hell was I doing? My mom was in the next room and here I was groping my boyfriend in a very compromising position, just asking to get caught. I quickly began to straighten my clothing, licking my lips, flattening my hair. I heard Harry laugh, and my head shot up to give him a stern look.

"Not funny," was all I said through clenched teeth.

"A little," he replied, flattening his own shirt and smoothing his hair.

"I think she's seen quite enough today, don't you think?" I asked him, slowly noticing the comical aspect of this scene; it really was a little funny.

"I guess so," he answered laughing still.

"Back to setting this table," I instructed him as he bent down to pick up his jacket, and made his way out of the dining room to hang it up.

The dinner was good, a lot less awkward than I thought it would be. The food was amazing, as usual; my mom always makes great food. I had missed her cooking; it made me realize how much I had truly missed home.

Harry and my mom seemed to get along, really well for that matter. It was a little un-nerving to be honest, I had never expected it. See my mom was a very straightforward, cut to the chase, in your face type of person, and since I grew up with her, I was used to it and loved her for it. But most people that met her for the first time found her a little rude, but Harry was the complete opposite; he laughed at her jokes, asked for her opinions and was just the perfect gentleman. He had held my hand loosely under the table for most of the dinner, and I kept catching myself stealing sideway glances at him as he spoke cheerily with my mom. God, I loved this guy, and the longer I sat there, the more my feelings were cemented into my heart. If he was able to get along with my mom, the most important person in my life, then he really could fit into my life. He really could get along with my friends and the rest of my family, I wanted him to, I wanted him to be a part of it. It was settled; I was going to integrate him into my life. I only had 2 days to do it, but I was going to do it nevertheless.

We had managed to sit at the dinner table for 3 hours. Long after the food was gone, the plates empty, we just sat there talking. At first my mom did a lot of the talking, asking simple questions like 'where are you from?', 'how did you meet', etc; all the typical questions someone asked about a couple. So the cat was out of the proverbial bag, my mom found out he wasn't really my lab partner and that he was actually from England and in a very popular band back there. The image of her choking slightly on her drink when she found out we had been going out for nearly 4 months was rather funny, but also heart breaking at the same time. She looked so hurt at that moment. I vividly remember her shocked expression when she found out he still lived in England, and that he only came down here to see me. My heart was racing at that moment, hands sweaty and I didn't dare look at her. This was going to be the breaking point to this all-too-perfect evening. I waited with baited breath for her to answer, Harry grabbing my hand and squeezing it tightly to indicate that he was here for me.

"Well, I guess that shows great dedication Harry," my mom answered calmly.

What? That wasn't like her? She was being so kind and understanding. Normally she would have given me an hour lecture telling me how I was being stupid and reckless, but she wasn't doing that now. She was accepting it, and just being so great. It was one of two things; either she was actually accepting it and Harry had put some magical spell on her with his English charm and she really did like him and approve, or she was just being polite and I would get it later. I really hope it wasn't the latter.

The awkwardness of that moment passed and Harry became curious about my childhood, asking constantly about embarrassing stories and what I was like as a child. My mom gave the typical answers;

"Oh she was a handful, always so curious, stubborn and impossible".

"She used to do the cutest things, like put on performances for us during family gatherings".

"There was this one time when she liked a boy in kindergarten and insisted on making him her boyfriend, so one day I get a call from the teacher at work and she tells me that my daughter has been put in time out for kissing a boy, and then hitting him when he said he didn't want to be her boyfriend".

Oh God, not THAT story. My mom likes to pull that one out when she wants to truly embarrass me. That was one story I did NOT want Harry to hear. I mumble something incoherent into my hands, as I bury my face, feeling that all too familiar warm feeling spread across my cheeks. I hear Harry laugh loudly as I continue to shake my head in embarrassment. He wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into him.

"Oh she's not much different now," he comments, continuing to laugh.

"Hey!" I snap my head up in protest.

I scan the table and I'm surrounded by two laughing idiots holding their stomachs and shifting from side to side, unable to contain their amusement. I fold my arms across my chest, pout a little, trying to gain some sympathy, but none of them will have it. So I decide to get up, use my energy for something useful and clean up this mess. I start to make my way around the table, picking up plates and cutlery although you can barely hear it through the cackles coming from the two laughing idiots.

"Aw I'm sorry, where are you going?" Harry asked, grabbing my arm and pulling me back slightly, causing me to almost drop the plates from my hands.

"Well, while you jokers decide to make a mockery of my childhood, I'll start cleaning up," I said, taking turns glaring at my mom and then at Harry.

"Do you want some help with that sweetie?" my mom asked politely.

"Oh come on, you made the whole meal, the least I can do is clean it up," I responded, "but a certain English fellow could help," I suggested.

"Hey, I helped as well," he retorted in defence.

"He really did," my mom piped up coming to his rescue.

"Oh fine, I'll do it," I answered defeated.

They could see the sly smile that was trying to creep up on my face, but I held it back. They knew I was joking, so they continued to give me a hard time. I walked quickly out of the dining room and into the kitchen.

I scrubbed at the dishes, glancing out of the window above the sink into the dark night. I started to drift off, swimming in my own thoughts. I was really happy, everything was coming together; Harry had met my mother and the world did not explode. They were getting along, and now things could move forward. He had to appreciate what I had done, and I hoped that this grand gesture would make up for my complete bitchiness over the last couple of days. But my happiness was cut short. While I was daydreaming of this great life with Harry, I remembered earlier today. With the arrival of my mom, and the introduction of my boyfriend, I had shoved my previous devastation into the back of my mind. Ok so first thing was first; I had to tell Harry. I had to explain myself as to why I was so distant this morning.

"Ok sweetie, I'm off," my mom interrupted my daze.

"Oh ok, thank you so much for everything," I said, wiping my hands quickly on my jeans, rushing over to give her a big hug.

Harry had stayed in the dining room, picking up the remainder of the dishes, leaving just my mom and me. This is when I was going to hear it. I walked her to the door, grabbing her jacket and purse from the closet. We had a small awkward silence, and then she spoke.

"You should have told me," my mom stated simply.

"I know," I mumbled in a barely audible tone.

I felt like a little kid again, being reprimanded for doing something wrong. Well really, I had done something wrong, and I completely deserved her being angry with me.

"I'm sorry," I apologized.

"It's ok, you just should have told me," my mom spoke again.

"I know," I repeated.

She pulled me into a tight hug, and squeezed me, showing me it was all right. I leaned my head on her shoulder and let out a deep sigh. My whole body relaxed and fell into the hug. It was nice.

"I approve…" my mom said, pausing, "for now," she finished.

"What?" I asked in disbelief.

I pulled away from her, keeping her an arm's length away, my hands firmly planted on her shoulders. I had a look of complete and utter astonishment.

"He seems like a nice boy, and he comes to see you here all the way from England? Must mean something," she finished. "Just be careful," my mom warned.

"I will," I answered, pulling her into a final hug, "thank you," I whispered.

She didn't say anything, just laughed and picked up her purse. She went for the door, but I quickly ran to it and unlocked it for her.

"Call me more often eh?" she suggested sarcastically.

"Definitely, sorry," I answered, watching her as she made her way down the steps of my porch.

I watched her walk down the street all the way to her car. She parked further away from my house, I guess it was planned to keep her arrival a surprise. How had I missed it walking home? I guess I had been preoccupied. I finally closed the door as her car disappeared down my street, locking it and leaning my forehead against it, taking in deep breaths, bracing myself for what was to come next. I had some major explaining to do, and there was no turning back.

As I walked into the kitchen, Harry had his back to me, doing dishes in the sink. He was bobbing his head from side to side, humming a tune, tapping his foot repeatedly. He looked so God damn adorable at that moment, lost in his world, comfortable; I felt myself smile widely, letting out a content silent sigh. I walked up slowly, quietly, not wanting to disturb him. I wrapped my arms around his waist; he jumped a little, but calmed as I rested my head against his back.

"You don't have to do that, I can clean up," I said in a calm voice, closing my eyes and breathing in his all too familiar smell.

"It's ok, I just finished," he answered, wiping his hands on the towel beside the stove.

He then turned around in my arms and wrapped his own around my neck. He gently kissed the top of my head, brushing my hair back gingerly, twirling the ends in his fingertips. I took in another deep breath, wanting to stay this way forever, committing his smell and feel to memory.

"My mom liked you," I said, breaking the comfortable silence.

"Did she now?" he asked sarcastically.

"Yes, and that's not usual. So you must be special," I said absent-mindedly.

"Special? Like 'don't stick that in your nose' special?" he asked.

I laughed loudly at his stupid comment, but it was so cute at the same time. I lifted my head off his chest and looked up at him. He had a small smile on his lips, his eyes scanning my face, his breath dancing gently across my skin, sending shivers down my spine. I stretched up to his face, bringing my face to within millimetres of his, my lips hovering just under his, the skin barely brushing against his lips. I took in a slow, deep breath, and then closed the final distance between us, crashing my lips onto his. His hands immediately dropped to the small of my back, lifting me up closer to him, my arms wrapping around his neck for stability. We remained in the passionate embrace for moments, our hands frantically wandering, our breaths shortening. He turned me around, still in his arms, my back hitting the cool kitchen counter top. He leaned into me, dropping his hands to either side of me, bracing himself on the countertop behind me. I leant back further, his weight over whelming, engulfing me in the heat that his mouth stirred in my lips. Every inch of his body was pressed up against mine, only thin layers of clothing separating the radiating heat from our bodies. He brought one hand to the back of my neck, pushing my face further into his, hunger consuming him. With his other arm, he wrapped it around my middle and lifted me up, sitting me on the counter, stepping in between my legs, wrapping them around him. The heat was rising quickly, my face flushed from his touch. He still managed to have this effect on me, even after everything that happened, but it was more consuming this time, took hold of me more abruptly. I welcomed it, passing it off as me finally opening up completely to him, letting him into the deepest crevices of my heart, ones that had never been allowed access to. It scared the hell out of me, but having him here now with his arms firmly placed around me, made me feel he would always be here to catch me.

I pulled away, not wanting to get carried away in the public kitchen in case my housemates decided to walk in. My breathing was short, my face still pink and hot from the previous embrace. I looked down, focusing on my hands fiddling with his shirt. He brought his hand gently under my chin, lifting it up.

"Let's move this upstairs," he said with a cheeky glint in his eyes and a seductive smirk on his lips.

He moved away, grabbing my hand, going to pull me off the counter top, but I pulled him back.

"Wait, I have to tell you something," I interrupted his actions.

He spun back around, and looked me straight in the eyes.

"What is it?" he asked full of concern, walking back towards me, brushing my cheek softly with the back of his hand.

"About this morning…" I started.

"Forget about it, I was being moody and nosey, it was none of my business and I shouldn't have pushed you," he began to apologize.

Damn it, why was he being so great? He had nothing to apologize for, yet here he was openly expressing regret, being so understanding, taking all the blame for this morning's argument.

"Stop Harry," I interrupted.

He stopped abruptly and went dead quiet. He just looked at me waiting for me to speak.

"You have nothing to apologize for, it was all me. I was being bitchy and I shouldn't have kept things from you," I started to apologize.

"So there was something you were keeping from me?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered, pausing, contemplating on how to continue.

"Oh," he said, hurt evident in his voice.

"Ok, I'm so sorry Harry, I shouldn't keep things from you, and I promise from now on no more secrets. I promise. I am an open book. This morning, when I checked my email, I got one from the university Administrator," I paused again; it was hard for me to continue, I could feel the tears prick my eyes.

He didn't' say anything, just urged me to continue, wiping away the single stray tear from my cheek. I took in another deep breath.

"They told me I was on probation," I finally said, barely louder than a whisper, vocalizing my short-comings for the first time.

"What?" he said shocked.

I let out a deep sigh, "I'm on probation," I repeated.

"What, like for jail?" he asked.

"No, academic probation," I said, smirking only slightly at his previous comment.

"That's why I was off this morning, I was in complete shock, I didn't know what was happening. I should have told you, I'm so sorry, but I was just… I… I was lost," I said, more tears cascading down my cheeks.

He pulled me into his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around my back, rubbing gently up and down to calm my nerves. He was just being so sweet, what had I ever done to deserve someone as great as him?

"So I went this morning to see the people in Administration, to find out what was going on, and they told me that I was on academic probation due to my marks; they had slipped and I wasn't doing well enough to keep my scholarship," I said into his shirt, tears staining it.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry," he said soothingly, continuing to hold me tightly.

"Don't apologize, it's not you fault," I told him, my head still firmly pressed against his chest.

"But I've been distracting you, and I've caused so many problems…" he started.

"Stop Harry, stop that," I said sternly pulling my head up, "it is in NO way your fault. That's why I didn't want to tell you, I didn't want you to blame yourself in any way. This is all my doing," I explained to him.

"But I wasn't any help. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have surprised you by coming down, I should have considered your life and not just expected you to drop everything for me…" he began to rant on and on.

I just brought my lips to his, not knowing any other way to truly shut him up. He mumbled something into my mouth but I pressed harder, my mouth moving on his. He finally responded into the kiss, his tongue brushing against my bottom lip, making my knees go weak. I pulled away from him, keeping my forehead pressed against his, looking down on him, a rarity since I'm shorter than him, but taking full advantage that I was still sitting on the counter.

"Listen to me. I have NEVER, ever, regretted being with you and you coming down here was the best surprise I could have asked for. You make me so unbelievably happy and I love having you here with me. I am not my complete self when you're away, and I break apart every time you leave. I love you Harry, and if I could, I would drop everything just to be with you," I said, looking straight into his eyes, not once breaking eye contact.

"Say it again," he said quietly.

"What? The WHOLE thing?" I asked loudly, pulling away from him.

"No, the part where you said you loved me," he said, a sly smile playing on his lips.

"What? But I've said it before," I spoke, blushing slightly.

"But I like hearing it," he answered, the smile growing on his face.

"Oh. I…love…you…Harry…Judd," I said in between placing soft kisses all over his face.

He then scooped me up in his arms abruptly, carrying me out of the kitchen and in the direction of the stairs. His lips were pressed firmly on mine, moving gently, sending both heat and chills through every inch of my body. It was filled with emotion, so raw and immense that I thought the world would be unable to contain it. Everything was out in the open for me, I don't know about Harry, but from my side there were no secrets. That's where the nagging feeling came from, my uncertainty of what was going on in Harry's head, but I would truly never know. And that's where my trust would have to come in, where I would have to give in completely and put my heart in his hands. So that's what I did. As he carried me in his strong arms, I felt so safe, and so content that it mirrored my emotional state for the first time.

"I love you too," he mumbled into my lips.

My heart fluttered at those words. It didn't matter how many times he said it, it would always have the same effect on me, making me so unbelievably happy. I wanted to hear it over and over again, the tone of his voice, the feel of his lips on mine as he said it permanently imprinted in my mind. I wanted to just be with him. I wanted him. All of him, and there was no more denying how hard I had fallen for him.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22 – '… ever before'**

"Wow," I gasped, lying down heavily onto the bed, "you should consider doing that professionally," I joked.

I heard a low laugh, as his body shook gently, the breathing still erratic and unsteady. I was flushed, the heat inside me dissipating slowly, leaving me completely limp and unable to move. How he managed to make me feel this way I still couldn't grasp, but it was unbelievable. The wanting and urgency between us was still there, after all this time, all that we have been through this past week, and it seemed to have grown in strength, consuming us each time we touched. I wasn't able to control myself around him, a hunger almost, that would creep up inside me when he was close. I don't know what it was that would spark this reaction. Was it that I truly felt this longing for him and never really wanted to let go? Was it the fact that he would be leaving soon and I was just being greedy now; wanting to savour and remember everything about him? I'm sure it was a mixture of both, and every time I thought about the latter, it made me realize that he really was leaving, and I would have to deal with it eventually. I shook my head gently, trying to derail my train of thought, away from this all too familiar destination, and focus on what I had in front of me; well beside me. I had this great, gorgeous guy who loved me, and had been accepted by my mom. What more could I ask for. Maybe for him to live in the same country?

I felt his body shift close to me, bringing the skin of his stomach in contact to the skin of my side. The heat immediately rose in my body, sending each nerve ending into a frenzy, buzzing with excitement. I took a short, deep breath, startled slightly by his touch. He brought his hand softly to my face, and marked a soft trail on my cheek, across my jaw, down my neck gently, and was left circling on my collarbone. I continued to stare upwards towards the ceiling, unable to control the fury that was building under my skin. I could feel his breath dance across the side of my neck, as he moved further up, grazing my ear with his lips and nibbling it teasingly. He was driving me crazy. I snapped my head sideways, catching him off guard. He recoiled slightly, and our eyes caught. I stared deep into them, not wanting to ever break this contact between us. I held my breath, my chest tightening slightly, the emotion inside me over-whelming and making my head spin. How is it possible to feel this strongly about someone? If I was watching from the outside, I would be the first to ridicule, but I was trapped inside, willingly trapped in this amazing feeling.

I suddenly snapped out of my thoughts, and launched towards him, catching his lips in mine, his touch immediately filling all my senses. My hands followed my lips at once, wrapping around his head, pulling him in even closer, if possible. I felt our noses touch, my lips slightly numb from the electrifying contact between us, the breathing shorter and shorter, the hunger consuming us. I rolled on top of him, his hands finding my back and hips without delay. The soft touch of his hands on my skin sent me further into my nose-dive, building the urgency in the kiss I was sharing with him. I gently bit his bottom lip one last time, savouring the moment, and pulled away, the air filling my lungs quickly and loudly. His breathing was shallow, escaping him once I launched my assault. He had a complete blank look on his face, mirroring mine. I searched his eyes, unsure of what, but I found myself scanning them, lost in their depths.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled breathlessly, noticing I was staring.

I went to roll off, but the grip around me tightened and I was whipped back into my previous position. The corner of his lips curled into a smirk, my eyes focusing on his, stealing glances of that smirk, wanting to attach my lips to his again.

"What the hell are you apologizing for? I quite enjoyed that," he answered, letting out a low sound that I could only take as a laugh.

I blushed furiously, burying my face into his chest, shifting upwards to find the crook of his neck. I relaxed into the embrace, letting every inch of my body come into contact with his. I don't know what I was apologizing for, maybe for my thoughts, but he couldn't read them, he had no idea what was going on in my head. I didn't really know myself, all of this was new to me, but maybe this is what I meant when I said that I was going to be open with him, this was what I had to do, I had to let him know what was racing around in my mind.

"I don't want you to leave," I mumbled suddenly into his skin, inhaling his scent in the process.

His body tensed momentarily, and then he relaxed, letting out a long, deep breath. I felt his hand reach for my hair, stroking it gently, sweeping it across the bare skin of my shoulders, sending tiny shivers as his fingertips brushed against my hot skin accidentally. This is what I meant, how does a simple touch like that make my mind go all fuzzy and warm?

"I don't want to leave, if I could stay I would, but I can't," he said, the sadness and regret entangled in each word that left his mouth.

"I know," I whispered, my head firmly placed into the side of his neck, kissing it gently as we spoke.

There was silence. We were stuck. I didn't want him to leave, he didn't want to leave, but he couldn't stay, and that was that. There was no changing it. I had my life here, and he had his in England; our lives only ever intertwining occasionally, leaving us longing for more. No matter how much we wanted to be together, I can't just up and leave everything I have here, the only thing I have known my entire life to be in his life. And there was no way he could uproot his life to be here, he had too many commitments being in the public eye. I would never even think of asking him to do that, he was doing exactly what he loved, and how could I ask him to give that up? I was not that person.

I didn't notice the single tear that had escaped my eye, landing on his chest, forging a path down the skin towards the bed. He pulled me away from him and brought his hand instinctively to my face, brushing away the moisture from my cheek. He looked torn, and I hated the fact that I had caused this. I had caused all the pain, the trouble, the complications that he didn't need; he was supposed to be having the time of his life, and here I was telling him I didn't want him to leave. I was being selfish, and I despised myself for this.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," I said, staring into his eyes, holding back the flood of tears that were on the brink of cascading down my cheeks.

"No you should," he said simply, continuing to stare at my face, shifting his gaze from my eyes, to my lips, continuing to stroke my cheek ever so gently with his thumb. "I want to hear it, I want to know, it just kills me that I cause you so much grief," he said, finally breaking the stare and looking down.

It looked like he lowered his head in shame almost. I couldn't believe it; he shouldn't be shameful, he was being the greatest boyfriend a girl could ask for. He had put so much effort into this thing between us, more than any normal boy would have. I still didn't know what he saw in me really, he could have any girl in England, hell he could probably charm any girl in the world, yet he stuck around for me. Why?

"You don't cause me grief Harry," I whispered, shifting down his body, to be level with his face, "you make me so unbelievably happy," I said, bringing my lips to his, caressing them gently and tenderly, wanting to transfer my happiness of being with him through the kiss.

I brought my hands to the sides of his face, framing it softly, bringing my shoulders up as my mouth continued to move upon his, brushing my tongue gently across his bottom lip, him responding immediately. His hands dropped to the small of my back as he rolled me over, so we lay side by side, locked in an embrace, our bodies tangled together, and every inch of skin in contact between us. My heart did somersaults, my chest tightening and then relaxing, my legs numb from the simple act of his lips on mine. I was a dead woman; this boy had the power to make me go completely weak and surrender to him with a simple kiss.

"It's the damn Atlantic Ocean that causes me grief, and the fact that I can't teleport," I said with a completely serious look on my face, pulling away from his face, breaking the kiss and resting my head on the pillow beside him.

He paused for a second, contemplating what I said, and then broke into a thunderous laugh, grabbing me by the shoulders and wrapping his arms tightly around me. I felt his chest rise and fall quickly as he continued to laugh, unable to stifle my own laugh as well. He pulled me to an arm's length away from him, staring at me, a huge smile now residing on his lips.

"Teleporting?" he said, raising a single eyebrow quizzically.

"Yeah, teleporting," I repeated, shaking my head in affirmation. "If I could teleport, I could come and visit you every night and be back here in time for my morning lectures," I said matter-of-factly.

He just laughed again, shaking his head, bringing me close to him, placing his lips gently on mine in a light peck.

"And that's why I love you. Only you would come up with a super power to solve all our problems," he said, sighing deeply at the end, continuing to stare at me with that goofy smile on his face.

"And that's the only reason you love me huh?" I said, inching away from him, trying to sound offended.

"Well it does help that you're dynamite in bed, but I taught you everything you know so…" he trailed off, flinching slightly in preparation for a smack from me.

"Well I never," I said, gasping, shoving him sharply on the shoulder, continuing to inch further away from him.

"Well you were the one that said I should be a professional," he said smugly, grinning widely, with a look of pride on his face.

"Well I was delirious," I said in my defence, the small smile creeping up on my face, fighting every urge not to laugh and spoil this silly conversation.

"Would you like me to make you delirious again?" he said, smiling, nudging close to me, running his hand up and down my side.

The chills shot through my body once again, met by uncontrollable heat and desire that rippled under my skin. His face was right in front of mine, his breath gently playing on my neck as he brought his lips to the skin below my chin, placing hot, wet kisses across the length, moving from one side to the other. He moved back up, finishing with a slow and long lingering kiss on my lips, his lips parting and tongue brushing across my own. He grabbed my hand, and intertwined his fingers through mine, bringing my hand to his chest, as his other arm pulled me in close to him. He pulled away slowly, leaving me breathless once again.

"I like this," I said quietly, stealing light kisses from his cheeks, lips and neck.

"I can't complain," he replied boldly, letting his head drop back a little, as I made my way to his neck.

I gave him a gentle bite, a little harder than usual, wanting to cause a little pain for all those cheeky comments that I was getting tonight.

"Ouch," he yelled abruptly, flinching and pulling away from me.

I erupted into laughter, finding his expression hilarious as he rubbed his neck furiously, trying to ease the pain from the spot where I bit him.

"That's what you get for being so God damn cheeky," I said.

"Didn't know you liked it kinky," he said, raising his eyebrows.

He was full of it tonight, so God damn cocky and sarcastic. But I loved it. I liked joking around with him, and his humour was exactly like mine, so I never found it offensive, I just found it hilarious. I remember when I once told my friend something that Harry said to me and she was so shocked, telling me I should have slapped him right there and then, but I just laughed in her face, telling her that I had found it unbelievably hysterical.

"I can bite harder next time, I can draw blood," I warned him, inching closer to him.

"Ok, ok, I surrender," he said, raising his arms in defeat.

"You're such a pushover Judd," I said, shuffling into his side, wanting his touch, needing to feel him right beside me.

"Only for you," he said, gently brushing my hair away, resting his chin on the top of my head.

There was a moment of calm between us, our breathing the only sound penetrating the silence of the room. I could hear the soft thumping of his heart in his chest; it was soothing, hypnotic almost. I kept thinking that that heart kind of belonged to me in a sense, and it just made me so happy.

"So I want to have a party," I said, breaking the silence.

"What?" he asked, shifting under me so that he could face me.

"I want to have a party," I repeated.

"What for?" he asked.

"Well, for you in a sense," I replied, laughing at the stupidity of that sentence.

"Well I know I'm fantastic," he said sarcastically, bringing his hand to his chest, "but why do you want to have a party for me?" he asked again.

"Well I was thinking that maybe I could invite all my friends over and you could finally meet them," I said, suddenly getting a little hesitant, not knowing if it was a good idea, but I was putting it out in the open, like I had promised.

He didn't say anything; he just continued to stare at me. I got a little nervous, starting to fiddle with my fingers seeing as I wasn't wearing a shirt, but if I had been, you would have found my fingers furiously twisting the hem. I looked down, unable to keep staring into his blank expression, not knowing how he would react.

Suddenly his lips were on mine again, and his arms wrapped tightly around my waist. I was taken off guard, so it took me a second to respond, but only a second. I feel back into place, my lips moving instinctively upon his, my arms wrapping around his neck. I didn't know why he was kissing me really, but I didn't need an excuse to have my lips on his, if I could, I would have them permanently glued into place, but that's just silly. He pulled away, leaving me breathless once again. There was the effect he had on me, I was so weak.

"What was that for?" I asked, not really caring, but not wanting to revisit the slightly awkward situation we had before when I offered to introduce him to my friends.

"That was a yes," he said softly, that same smirk curling the corner of his mouth.

"A yes?" I asked, trying to make sure I was hearing him correctly.

"Yeah, I think the party's a great idea. I want to meet your friends," he said, the smirk being replaced by a genuine smile.

I just scooted closer, crashing my lips to his, wrapping my arms around his neck, rolling myself on top of him and smothering him with kisses all over his face. I was so happy that he accepted, and I could hear him laugh as I continued my assault on him, not leaving a centimetre of skin bare from my kisses. He stopped me by catching my lips with his, moving under mine as his hands found the back of my head, tangling his fingers in my hair.

"I'm so happy you said yes, hhmmphf…" I mumbled into his lips but he just pushed my head in closer to his, my lips pressed harder onto his, shutting me up instantly.

I couldn't help the grin that broke out onto my lips, finding myself smiling into the kiss, his lips mirroring mine as a smile crept up on his. We were two goofy love fools, lost in each other's world, smiling stupidly into a kiss, laughing out of pure joy.

"When do you want to have it?" he asked me, as I was placed back onto the mattress, laying beside him, my hands tracing small figures over the skin of his chest.

"Well, I guess it has to be tomorrow night. Well really, tonight," I corrected myself, glancing at the clock over Harry's shoulder, "since you leave tomorrow," I finished, my voice uncontrollably dropping as I uttered the last words.

Why did I have to bring that up again? I guess it was inevitable, we had to deal with it, and it was healthier to have it out in the open, then to brush it under some figurative rug, only having it sneak up on us later. I looked at Harry, giving him a weak smile, not wanting to dampen the evening we'd been having.

"I'm sorry," he said, apologizing yet again for something that he couldn't change.

"Will you stop apologizing; it's not your fault. It's just a fact, and I don't want you feeling guilty over something that none of us can change," I said firmly, trying to get it into his head that it was in no way his fault. "Plus, we can have a blow-out and get completely plastered at the party and then suffer in the morning, just like all university students do, won't that be fun?" I said, trying to lighten the mood.

Harry paused, scanning my eyes for any sign of sadness, but I hid it away, masked it over, finding that it was something that was not needed right now.

"Well I do love being sick and throwing up," he replied sarcastically.

"That's my boy," I said jokingly, shuffling close to him again, draping his arm over me in a protective manner.

He began to softly stroke my hair, brushing my shoulder gently on occasion, the slight trace of fire igniting in my nerves as he did so. He traced small circles on the skin of my back and lulled me to sleep. I remember his soft touch, the slight tickle from his breath on my cheek, and the rhythmic beating of his heart in his chest, as I rested my head on it. The beating of his heart came into rhythm with my own, the loud thumps echoing in my ear, coming alive in the presence of one another.

The next sound I heard was the soft beeping of my alarm clock, getting progressively louder as time passed. I shifted my head ever so gently along Harry's chest, waking up in the exact position I had fallen asleep in, wrapped in Harry's arms. My eyes caught his face as I shifted towards the clock, and I was staring yet again. I was snapped out of it as the beeping continued to get louder, and Harry began to stir. I quickly reached over and slammed my hand on the snooze button, recoiling immediately into the warmth of the covers and Harry's body. 8:00 a.m., I still had time; I didn't have to be at school until noon, a stupid habit of mine to set my alarm unnecessarily early. I could just lay there with him.

I found my finger tracing small circles across his chest, relishing again in the soft beats of his heart pounding in his chest, feeling the rise and fall as he took in deep breaths, feeling the air against my hair as he exhaled through his nose. I was a fool, having fallen so hard for a boy, focusing and relishing on little things about him, just wanting to be in constant contact with him. It wasn't only love, but lust as well. Normally lust subsides after the initial 'honeymoon' phase, but it just stuck around between us. I think it had to do with the fact that we were apart all the time; we had 'been together' for four months, but collectively, I think we had spent a total of about two months together, so I guess we were still technically in the early stages.

I felt his hand reach for my hair and stroke it gently, indicating that he had woken up. I just continued to lie there, resting my head on his chest heavily, not really wanting to move. He started to stir, but I just held my place, restricting his movements. He started to wiggle underneath me, wanting to get up, but I continued to lay heavily on him, pretending to sleep. Thank God, I wasn't really facing him but down, because I couldn't stop from smiling.

"I know you're not sleeping," he said groggily, continuing to squirm underneath me.

I didn't say anything; I just continued to lay there, breathing in deeply to try and mimic a state of slumber. He abruptly wrapped him arms around my waist and flung me up and off of him, rolling on top of me, reversing the previous positions we took. My eyes were wide from shock now, staring straight into his, my heart beating rapidly in my chest. I raised my hand and smacked him on the shoulder, him only responding in laughter.

"You almost gave me a heart attack, what if I was sleeping, I could have died of shock," I said loudly, my voice raising in pitch at the end.

"But you weren't now were you," he said, that smug expression residing on his face yet again.

I lifted my head and met his lips with mine, that all too familiar tingle rushing from my mouth, down my neck and into my spine. He lowered himself on to me, the weight suffocating me slightly, not sure whether it was truly the weight or just the kiss itself.

"You're a lucky man Judd," I said breathlessly, pulling away from him, burying my head into the pillow on the bed, as he remained hovering above me.

He rolled sideways, off of me, but not away from me. His body was still firmly pressed against mine, the heat never once leaving my skin. I turned my head, keeping my body laying flat, and looked into his face. He was lying on his side; head propped up, elbow digging into in the pillow, his free hand playing absent-mindedly with the ends of my hair. His stare was focused through me; his eyes and face facing me, but he wasn't quite looking at me, but more past me.

"We have a lot to do today," I said, snapping him out of his day dream.

"Huh? What?" he said, trying to focus on me.

"I said, we have a lot to do today," I repeated.

"Oh do we now?" he said cheekily, shuffling closer to me, wrapping his arms around me once again, trying to resume the previous compromising position we were in.

"Dirty mind Judd, not THAT kind of busy," I answered, pulling away from him, shuffling across the bed, hopping off, looking for something to cover myself, being rather indecent at the moment.

"Well what better to do huh?" he asked, his eyebrows raising again as he rested his head against the headboard, sitting up and pulling up the covers with him.

"Well, we do have this great party to plan no?" I reminded him, slipping into an old sweater and some jeans.

"Oh yeah, well I guess we do have a lot to do, if we're going to make this one memorable party, in honour of me of course," he said smugly, looking around the room for some praise; he wasn't going to get it from me.

"Yeah sure, whatever," I replied walking out of the room and into the bathroom.

After my shower and getting ready, I walked down the stairs, book bag packed, into the living room to find a clean and decent Harry, dressed and ready to go. He looked amazing by the way, managing to make my breath catch in my throat gently as I walked into the room. He was watching some sport on TV, completely enthralled, not even paying attention to me as I fell down beside him onto the sofa.

"How the hell did you manage to get completely ready and be down here before me," I asked, astonished at the feat.

"Well while you were washing, I went and found a towel, and when you came out and started to get ready, I rushed into the shower and just managed to finish before you. Boys do get ready faster than girls do," he answered me, not once looking away from the screen, talking as if what he was saying was a simple fact.

"Anyways," I said, seeing that he wasn't really paying much attention to me, "What are you watching?" I asked, suddenly interested in the television screen.

"Cricket. Did you know that you get matches here?" he said, a little shocked at the fact.

"Yeah, but it's only like India and Pakistan and the international league no?" I said, trying to pay attention to what was happening on the screen, but I was useless with this cricket stuff.

I settled back into the sofa, sinking into the cushion, pulling out my microbiology textbook and cracking it open. I didn't have to be at school for another 2 hours, so I could catch up on some studying. It was nice just sitting here with Harry, doing 'normal couple' things, like watching TV together, mind you I wasn't really watching, but nonetheless it was normal.

"Oh I can turn this off if we have to leave," he said, searching for the remote control.

"Nah, go ahead, watch the game, and I'll just read this," I replied, not looking up from the text in front of me.

"You sure?" he asked hesitantly.

"Why would I tell you you could and not really mean it?" I asked, finally looking up at him.

"Well, when most girls say, 'oh that's fine' or 'yeah sure' they usually have some secret meaning behind it," he said, quickly stealing glances of the TV screen.

"Well, I'm not like that, and you know that. That is one of the many reasons you are with me, because I'm just so great. Now go on, watch, I have to read this anyways," I said, pointing to the screen, trying to divert his attention back to the game.

He laughed loudly, pulling me into him, wrapping himself around me and planting soft, sweet kisses all over my face.

"Agh, you're smothering me Harry," I squealed from underneath him.

He pulled back, and laid me against his side, draping his arm over my shoulders heavily. I inhaled his scent, it was clean, but it still smelt of him, making me slightly light headed again. I focused back onto the text, relishing in the moment we were sharing right now. I know I said it before, but it was just so normal. This is what I wanted, just to be normal with him, and have these quiet moments with him.

After two hours of trying to read but being constantly disrupted by the incessant jumping up and screaming congratulatory cheers and being hit in the head a couple times as Harry watched the game, I had to leave for school. I didn't know someone could get so riled up over a game, where teams that he didn't particularly care for played, by only watching it. I lost count of the number of times he had jumped up off the couch, my weight dropping immediately from the lack of support and falling backwards. It was cute really, but needless to say, I didn't get much reading done.

Harry had insisted on walking me to school, but I told him he was being ridiculous, he could stay and watch the rest of the game, and I would meet him back here. I only had an hour lecture, but I couldn't miss it, so I would quickly slip out and be back with Harry before he knew it. Then we could go off and get all we needed for the party. I also had to go to school to talk to my friends, invite them, convince them that a few hours was not short notice for an invitation, the fact that finals were coming up didn't mean that we couldn't have a party and get them to help me spread the word to my other friends and set up. That wasn't much to do in two hours, not at all. Please note the sarcasm.

"So how long will you be at school?" he asked me again, as if he was checking for something.

"Probably two hours," I replied, slipping on my jacket.

"Ok, so you'll be back here in two hours?" he asked, checking once again.

What was he getting at?

"Yes, two hours sharp… sir," I threw in at the end for spite, smiling slightly.

"Hey, no need to be cheeky," he protested, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into another kiss.

It was a long, lingering, slow kiss that made my knees go weak yet again. The jolts of electricity that shot through my spine were undeniably earth shattering, but it was obvious now that he had a way with me, and all I could do was embrace it and relish in the incredible feeling.

Ahem. I heard my housemate clear her throat as she came down the stairs. I pulled away from him, the red resting in my cheeks, looking up at him, smiling at the fact that we kept finding ourselves in these compromising positions. We really couldn't keep our hands off each other.

"Ok, I'll see you later," I said, reaching for the door, turning the handle.

"Yeah, in two hours," he called after me.

What was it about the time that he insisted on emphasizing? It made me feel weird, but maybe he was just being cautious or something, or maybe he had some plans that he didn't want me to know about. Maybe he had something that he was keeping from me, and in that two hour span of time that I was gone, he was going to tend to that. No. I wasn't going to start doubting him again. I bundled myself tighter in my jacket, the cold wind nipping at my face. Why did I always jump straight to conclusions?


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23 – 'Oh no…'**

So it was set; I attended class, met my friends, invited them to the party, and managed to do so without much protestation. I think the lack of protest was really due to the fact that I mentioned my wanting to introduce a 'certain someone' at this party. As soon as my friends heard Harry's name and 'boyfriend' in the same sentence, they perked up and got all excited for the party tonight. They even offered to help me get the food and provisions for the 'get together', so I wasn't stressing quite so much. I had managed to pull all that off in only an hour and a half, making me early, for once.

I started to head home, cutting through the bustling human traffic of university students on campus, seeing as it was between classes. I passed by the Administrator's building again, reminding me of my slight predicament, deciding that I would deal with it fully once Harry left. For the next two days, well really one and a half, I was going to focus all my attention on being with him. Oh man, I was sounding exactly like one of those stupid girlfriends you read about or saw in movies. I didn't really like it; it made me feel weak, as if I needed to have him around to be complete. Please don't get me wrong, I loved having him around and I love him, but I just have to get used to this 'being-with-someone-but-managing-to-maintain-myself' type of thing. I was learning, I was getting used to it. We were in a 'special' type of situation, so I allowed myself to indulge slightly, if only for the next few days.

I was walking on automatic pilot almost, weaving back and forth between bodies, backpacks, and coffee cups filled with hot liquid, avoiding all contact, trying to make it through the crowd. Suddenly a figure caught my attention from the corner of my eye, walking down the steps of the Administration building. I think I was starting to become delusional, my head and heart playing stupid tricks on me. The guy looked unbelievably like Harry; same style, same walk, same slight bob of the head as he walked to a silent rhythm. It had happened before, when I began to miss him after he left; people on the street or around school would begin to remind me of him. It was little things; the way their jeans hung on their hips, the way they stuffed their hands in their pockets when it was cold, the way they hung their head slightly as they picked up speed in their walk. I had started to take note of these little things about Harry when he was around, committing them to memory; those small fragments would pop up every once in a while, mocking me, making me wish he was here.

But why was it happening now? He was here, waiting for me at home. I could go and be with the actual thing and not a figment of my imagination if I wanted to; which I did. I just shook my head, passing it off as a simple delusion. But as I continued to walk, the male figure, still walking the same path in front of me, kept drawing my attention; he even had the same jacket that Harry had. Wait, that was impossible, more than a coincidence. I pulled out my phone frantically, scrolling through the names, searching for Harry's. I had to make sure; too many times had I run up to some stranger, lost in my delusions thinking it was him and being sadly disappointed as an unfamiliar face would look at me as if I belonged in a mental institution. I waited, the ringing almost deafening in my ear, as my heart began to race. Why was I getting so worked up about this?

I kept a close eye on the male figure, following closely behind; watching for any movements that would indicate it was actually Harry. I kept crashing into people, 'sorry' and 'excuse me' flying out of my mouth almost immediately. Then I saw the figure reach into their pocket and pull out a phone. It was him! I quickly hung up the phone, stuffing it in my bag and picked up my pace, almost running towards him. He had stopped walking, staring into the phone puzzled as to who would call him and hang up.

"Hello?" I heard him say into the phone again, as I neared him.

I slowed down, catching my breath and walked up in front of him. His eyes widened in complete shock when he saw me, the people still continuing to push past us, in a hurry to get to class. He put down his phone, and continued to stare at me. I couldn't quite place it, but he had a sort of guilty look in his eyes. What was he doing here and why did he seem to feel guilty about it?

"What… uh… are you doing here?" he asked, his voice hesitant.

"Me? You're joking right? I go here remember? Why are you here?" I returned the question.

"Oh, uh, I came to pick you up," he said, a slight wave of relief washing over him as he uttered those words, as if he had found an acceptable excuse for his presence.

"Lies. You're too early to pick me up," I simply stated, catching him in his lie.

"Uh, what are you talking about?" he said trying to put the blame on me. "So I'm a bit early, can't I come and pick up my girlfriend from school? Anyways, why are you out so early? You told me you would be gone for 2 hours. Did you have some other plans that I didn't know about?" he accused me.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Why was he accusing me of something that was so blatantly a cover up for whatever he was doing?

"Oh come off it Harry, don't try and turn this around on me. I'm done early because it didn't take quite as long to convince my friends to come to our last minute party as I thought, so I was just heading home now, and then I saw you," I replied, a little angry at the accusation thrown at me.

"Oh," he said, dropping his head, bringing his hand to the back of his neck, rubbing it nervously. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"Doesn't matter," I said letting out a deep sigh, "I just don't like the persecution Harry," I continued, grabbing his hand from the back of his neck and linking it with mine, pulling him in the direction of my house.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to jump to conclusions," he apologized again.

"It's ok, just a little childish eh Judd?" I said, a small smile appearing on my lips, happy that that hadn't turned into a full blown argument. I was getting better.

"Hey, no need to be mean," he retorted, catching into step with me.

A silence fell upon us, but my mind was far from it. Just blurt it out, 'why are you really here' or 'are you cheating on me?', because that's the first thing that flies into an insecure girl's mind; cheating. But that was impossible, he wasn't in the country for long enough to have one, unless I underestimated his 'charm' and he was able to hide it from me very well. Ok, now I was just being completely ridiculous.

"So why were you really here so early?" I finally asked, trying my best to keep to my resolutions, and not let him know about my incredible insecurities.

"I thought we already discussed this," he answered, dodging the question.

"Well, you accused me, I got offended, you apologized and I forgave you immediately. We never really 'discussed' anything," I corrected him.

He let out a low laugh, squeezing my hand gently and glancing my way. He had a small smirk on his lips, the one that drove me crazy, and I caught myself faltering in my step.

"And that's why you're so great," he simply stated, trying to win me over with flattery.

"Don't try to change the subject by trying to charm me Harry. Seriously, why were you here so early? And why were you walking out of the Administration building?" I asked bluntly.

"I can't tell you," he answered.

I was a little taken aback by his answer; it was straight-forward, directly to the point, but it hit me like a ton of bricks, my chest tightening and my mouth suddenly drying out. He couldn't tell me, but why? What was it that he had to keep it from me? It obviously had something to do with me; him showing up here, walking out of the administration building of MY university. Now who was the one keeping secrets?

"What do you mean you can't tell me?" I asked, stopping in my spot, pulling him back to face me.

"I can't, not yet," he said, his eyes pleading for me to let it go.

But I'm stubborn, sometimes too stubborn for my own good. I had to know why he couldn't tell me and it was eating away at me exactly as to what he couldn't tell me. So I persisted, even though my brain was yelling at me, 'just let it go for now, you don't want to spoil anything!'.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? 'Not yet'? Just tell me. You told me that you wanted to hear everything I had to say, and I promised myself that I wouldn't keep anything from you, so I haven't. Last night, me telling you that I had lost my scholarship was one of the hardest things I've ever had to tell you, yet I did it. I introduced you to my mom for God sake's…"

"Only because you had to," he said, interrupting me.

"I wanted to," I said in a low voice, being startled by his sudden interruption.

My breathing was quick again, the heat inside my chest suffocating me. It wasn't the fact that we were fighting, but it was the fact that Harry thought I was obliged to introduce him to my mom. Fair enough that I needed a good old kick in the right direction, but I really had wanted him to meet her, and he couldn't begin to fathom the amount of joy that I had experienced when they got along; when my mom approved.

"I know, I'm sorry. I can't tell you just yet," he said, his voice now almost as small as mine.

We were standing in the middle of campus, having an argument while students passed by throwing us sideway glances of disapproval. He approached me, clasping my hands in his, my head hanging, focusing on the patches of grass beneath my feet.

"Fine," was all I said, pulling away from him and starting to walk in the direction of my house.

He ran to catch up with me, grabbing me by the hand and forcefully pulling me back to face him.

"Are you angry now?" he asked, hoping that I would be all cheery and understanding about the way he was acting.

"Yeah a bit," I answered, continuing to be completely honest with him, pulling away from him once again, suddenly overcome with a feeling of sickness.

I began to walk quickly, not really looking back, but knowing that Harry was right behind me; hearing him exhale heavily every couple of minutes, his footsteps sending loud thumps onto the pavement.

"You know, you really do spoil all my surprises with your bloody temper and stubbornness, why do I put up with it?" he said under his breath quietly, but once again, I caught every word.

"Well, why DO you put up with it?" I yelled, turning around abruptly, stopping him in mid-step, his head flying up. His expression matched that of a deer caught in headlights.

"You heard that?" he asked shocked.

"Well, why do you?" I asked again, finally asking the question that had been playing repeatedly in my head from the beginning.

He could have it so much easier with any girl in England, a gorgeous one, one that could follow him around, be at his side all the time, laugh at his jokes, and just be in his life. Not a stubborn, hard-headed, independent, average girl that lived across the God damn Atlantic ocean. My insides were shaking in terror; what if he came to his senses right now and decided that I really wasn't worth the effort? I'm pretty sure, no positive, that I would break on the spot, shattering into a million pieces if he came to that decision.

"Ok first of all, I put up with it because I love you," he said, sounding sincere, inching closer to me, wanting to wrap me in his arms, but I fidgeted away from him, out of his reach, not wanting to fall back into him without hearing an answer.

"That's not a reason," I said coldly.

His face fell at that moment; I had hurt him. I don't know what came over me to say such terrible things, but I was determined to get a proper answer, and my brain was ignoring the pleas from my heart to just drop it and wrap my arms around him, telling him that I loved him as well. He brought his head up slowly, looking me straight in the eyes, and took a deep breath. The anticipation of what he was about to say next was heavy, weighing down on both of us. This was it; he was going to tell me I really wasn't worth the bother.

"I put up with your stubbornness and your temper because its part of what makes you you, and I adore everything about you. You are so smart, so gorgeous and funny that I can't help but fall in love with all your qualities, even your temper and stubbornness. You stir in me feelings that I can't explain, ones that I haven't felt before, but am excited to explore. Every time I think about you, my heart speeds up. In the morning when I wake up and you're not there, my insides fade a little, wishing that I could just hold you. When you touch my face ever so gently with your fingertips, brushing my cheek, I can't help but have my legs turn to jelly as I'm succumbed by your touch. Your gentle laugh makes my head spin, your smell drives me crazy, and when we kiss, my heart melts every time as electricity shoots through me. When I say I love you, I mean all those things, and to me that is the sole reason as to why you are worth the effort," he finished softly, dropping his head.

I quickly wipe the stray tear that escaped down my cheek, realizing that my stubbornness has gotten the best of me once again. Damn it. He just said all those amazing things about me, and here I was yelling at him about something that he couldn't tell me just yet; he would tell me eventually, just not yet. I closed the distance between us and lunged into him, burying my face into his chest, tightening my hold around him, wanting to apologize profusely for being so stupidly pushy. He put his arms on my shoulders and pulled me out to an arm's length away. He clears his throat and looks down on me, taking in a deep breath. I don't deserve to be forgiven, and I know that whatever angry things he says next, I completely warrant coming my way.

"So, due to your stubbornness, I guess the surprise is ruined, so I might as well tell you. I can't bare you being angry with me for the last night I'm here. So, this was supposed to be for tomorrow before I left, but I might as well give it to you now," he says, reaching his hand into the breast pocket of his jacket, pulling out a few sheets of folded paper.

He hands them to me and his arms drop immediately to his sides, burying themselves into the depths of his pockets. I stand there for a second, looking at the folded papers in my hands, glancing between him and the papers, unsure of what to do.

"Well, open them," he insists nervously.

I can hear him breathing heavily; he seems worried, anxious in a sense but apprehensive at the same time. He starts to shift his weight from one foot to another, his hands burying deeper into his pant pockets. I focus my attention back to the papers in my hands. My fingers are trembling, unsure why, but the unsettling feeling that sits in the pit of my stomach must be some indication as to what the papers may contain. He made such a big deal about it, what the hell could it be?

I unfold them gently and immediately notice the official university logo on the top of the paper. This has something to do with me and my education, but how does Harry have anything to do with it? My heart is now pounding loudly in my chest, echoing in my ears as my head is filled with different scenarios; both good and bad. I look back up to Harry and notice that he is staring intently on my face, awaiting a reaction to what is in my hands. He looks uneasy, his face a slightly paler shade of his skin tone. What has he done to be so nervous about?

I give him a feeble curl of my lips, an attempt at a smile, and then focus my attention at the small writing in front of me. My eyes scan back and forth, down the page, trying to intake everything that is written. My eyes stop moving as I read the third sentence, the rate of my heart stopping completely and a lump finding itself lodged in my throat. My lungs have ceased to function, refusing to take in air. I can't believe what I am reading; I force myself to reread it from sheer disbelief.

_A payment of $3,831.51 has been made to the account of student number 0675845 for the scholastic year of 2006/2007._

He paid for my tuition. I couldn't believe it. After all that had happened, he felt responsible and felt the need to rectify the situation. He wanted to take care of me, and he did so the best way he knew how; he ensured that I could continue to do what I loved. He ensured that I could continue to go to school after I had messed up and was on the verge of losing my scholarship.

"Is this what I think it is?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Well, if you think it's your tuition, then yeah," he said, laughing nervously.

My head shot up and my heart resumed beating, faster than ever, afraid that it would burst out of me chest from joy. He looked up at me and gave me a sheepish grin, a hopeful one, not knowing what kind of reaction I was really giving him, my face completely blank. Just looking at him at that moment, his nervousness and how unsure he was, made my heart melt. He so wanted it to be a surprise, to help me out, try to make things better, and I had ruined it. I felt terrible, but was so overcome by utter joy at that moment that I did the only thing that I found to be instinct.

I moved towards him and wrapped my arms around his neck, jumping up into his arms, placing my lips on his; the papers still firmly in my hands. My legs wrapped around his waist as his arms held me up, tightening as he pulled me in closer. My lips worked furiously, unable to fully convey the happiness that I felt, the complete and utter content that had filled all my senses. The heat in the air rose immediately, consuming me once again. I let out a small sigh as his tongue laced with mine, and I could hear a low groan in response. His lips were firmly pressed against mine as my hands pushed his head further into me still, the hunger for his taste taking over all my sensibility.

I heard a couple of whistles in the background, a couple of rude comments from passers-by, but I just couldn't be bothered; all muffled background noise to me. I was completely focused on Harry and the incredible sensation of just being with him. I pulled away and looked down on him, still wrapped up in each other's arms. A huge grin spread across his face, flowing into his eyes, his face so happy, like I've never seen before.

"I can't believe you did this, it's too much," I said in a whisper, our faces still close, noses almost touching.

"Are you happy?" he asked, trying to make sure he did a good thing.

"You have no idea Harry, but I can't accept this," I said, shuffling slightly out of his grasp, planting my feet back on the ground.

"What, why?" he asked, the happy expression on his face being replaced by one of disappointment and worry.

"It's too much," I said, looking back at the number; 3,831.51. It was way too much.

"No, it's not. I wanted to do it for you," he said pleadingly, moving closer to me, draping his arms softly over my hips.

"Harry, it's way too much. I really appreciate the gesture, but I can't accept it," I repeated, not looking up from the piece of paper.

"Does it make you happy?" he asked simply.

"Yes, unbelievably," I answered genuinely, that smile creeping onto my lips again.

"Then yes, you can keep it. And you will," he said forcefully, standing his ground. He didn't look like he was going to back down.

"Harry," I paused, "I can't. This is my problem, my fault, and I have to be the one to fix it," I say, backing away from him, the papers still firmly in my grasp.

I looked down to them again, scanning the sentence, the number echoing in my head. It was way too much, and it wasn't his problem to fix; it was mine. I couldn't depend on someone to come and throw money around to fix my problems, I had to deal with them myself; I had to be independent.

But it was such a nice gesture though, so thoughtful; not because of the amount of money, but because of the implications that the money carried with it. Harry knew how important my education was to me, and he wanted me to be happy, he wanted me to do what I loved to do, so he did what he thought was best, he paid for my tuition so I could continue to go to school.

I was torn. In my head, a battle of acceptance and stubbornness raged on; fighting between just giving in and accepting this amazing gift from my loving boyfriend, or giving the money back to maintain my independence so I wouldn't come to expect the help of others. I didn't want to be dependant. But I was supposed to change right, let him in?

"I want to help," he said softly, stepping closer to me to bridge the gap that I had created.

"But it's not your problem to help with Harry," I said quietly, my head dropping, unable to look at him as I uttered these words, knowing that I was slowly tearing his insides out.

"It is," he said more forcefully, wrapping his hand around my arm, and jerking me slightly towards him to grab my attention.

"No. I messed up, I let my grades drop, I did poorly on my midterms; not you. I have to be the one to fix this Harry," I said, dropping my gaze again, my breathing shallower as a sharp pain shot through my chest. I couldn't believe I was being so mean to him.

"But I didn't exactly help with any of that, I only made it worse," he said, the guilt rising in his voice to an undeniable pitch.

He felt guilty for it, and this was his way of trying to rectify it. He shouldn't feel guilty, and the fact that he did cemented once again how much he cared about me. I had to accept it for once.

"Don't blame yourself, that's why I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want you blaming yourself for something that is not your problem, that isn't your fault," I said, my voice a low and barely audible whisper.

"Listen. I want it to be my problem. I want to make your problems mine, I want to help you when you need it, I want to be there for you when you need me. Even though I can't always be here physically, I want you to always feel like I'm here for you in one way of another," he said wrapping his arms around my waist, leaning his forehead against mine and focusing his eyes on mine.

"Harry you're so sweet…" I whisper.

"So let me. I want to," he says in a low tone, his breath dancing across my cheek as he pulls me in closer to him, a firm hold on my waist.

I look up at him, meeting his eyes and immediately I feel my knees go weak. He catches me slightly as I slip down, the heat rising in my cheeks in an instant, realizing what a fool I must look like. He laughs quietly, looking at me, and then he just places his lips gently on mine. I smile into the kiss, unable to wipe the goofy expression from my face. I breathe in deeply, continuing to move my lips on his, the heat rising in my chest once again as he brings his hand gently to my face and strokes my cheek, sending shivers through every nerve in my body.

"Harry, I don't know what to say," I manage to utter breathlessly, pulling out of the kiss.

"Just tell me what a great boyfriend I am, that I'm absolutely gorgeous, best shag of your life, and that you love me," he said, raising his eyebrows, that same curl meeting his lips.

"I… love… you…" I said in between soft kisses to his mouth," and you're the best boyfriend ever," I said the last bit all in one breath, connecting my mouth to his again.

"You forgot gorgeous and best shag," he said breaking the kiss and looking down on me.

"I've had better," I responded, rolling my eyes skyward, a small grin playing on my lips.

"Better eh?" he said, his voice full of shock, "I'll just have to take you home and show you who's best now won't I?" he asked mischievously.

He grabbed my hand in his and started to pull me in the direction of home. I stumbled behind him, moving as fast as my short legs could carry me. I laughed uncontrollably at his response; always thinking of sex. But I couldn't blame him, every time we touched my head was filled with very compromising thoughts; those that I wouldn't dare repeat to anyone.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast there Judd," I managed to say between uncontrollable laughter, "we still have to get ready for the party. We have a lot of stuff to go and get," I said, stopping him in his tracks.

"Fine, but after, I'll show you," he said, moving his eyebrows up and down, giving me that all too familiar sneer of his lips.

"I'll be expecting it," I replied before I was dragged back in the direction we were headed.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24 – 'I need you…'**

The next few hours were filled with hectic and manic panic. We had arrived home and realized I had no food and nothing to drink. So we had to run an errand to the grocery store, the liquor store and then the take-out place; there was no way I was cooking for everyone, so take-out food would have to suffice.

Getting in the car, classical music began to blast from the speakers. I quickly changed the radio station and turned down the volume feverishly, not once looking at Harry, knowing that he was making a face, preparing to make fun of me in one fashion or another.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa what was that?" he asked, his laughter on the brink of bursting.

"Nothing," I answered quickly, trying to focus my attention back on the road, equally aware that my face was a lovely shade of red from embarrassment.

"Aw, you're so cute when you blush," he said in a low voice, bringing his hand up to gently brush my cheek.

Although I couldn't see it, I'm sure the hue of my face darkened exponentially from his touch and I was finding it rather hot in the confined space of the car.

"It was classical music, I like to listen to it when I drive sometimes, especially at night, ok?" I explained to him, not breaking eye contact from the road once but very aware that he was staring at me. My face was going to explode if he kept staring at me like that.

"Aw it's cute, in a nerdy yet posh way," he said, laughing at his own joke.

"Oh, shut up," I said, for lack of a better defence.

He began to shuffle through the local radio stations, finally landing on one that he liked, and sat back in his seat comfortably. We drove around in silence for a while, only the sound of the music from the radio blaring through the speakers, filling the car. Harry began to tap away a rhythm with the beat of the song, tapping his hands on his knees, the ball of his foot moving up and down repeatedly in time to the music. He looked so adorable drumming away absent-mindedly; I couldn't help but stifle a laugh as I tried to focus on the road.

"What?" he asked, breaking the silence, stopping his previous tapping, noticing that I was laughing to myself.

"Nothing," I replied quickly, continuing to laugh under my breath.

"What's so bloody funny?" he asked again, turning to me.

"It's just you look so cute when you play like that," I explained, feeling my cheeks burn yet again at my admission that I was watching him.

"Play what?" he asked confused.

"You know, you were tapping that rhythm with the music, it's like you were playing your drums. It was cute," I said not looking at him.

"I was? I didn't even notice," he replied, continuing to face me.

I ripped my stare from the road ever so briefly to catch a glimpse of him, and he was staring straight at me with that all-too-familiar grin plastered on his lips.

"I like it when you play," I stated matter-of-factly, trying not to embarrass myself too much, but suddenly feeling the need for him to know how much I liked watching him play, not to mention how hot he looked while he was doing it.

"You do now?" he asked mischievously, placing his hand ever so softly on my knee, causing me to swerve slightly on the road. He broke out into laughter at the effect he had on me.

"Yeah I do," I said clearing my throat, trying to avoid any more humiliation for this afternoon. "It would be great to see you play live sometime, I only ever get to see you play on videos and such that I find on the internet, not the same as the real thing right?" I said, laughing at the absurdity of my own statement.

"It would be awesome if you could come out to see some of the shows, I would love having you there," he said, the excitement rising in his voice.

"Yeah, it would be great, but too bad I'm not in England so I could come to your shows," I said, not even thinking of what I was really saying.

Silence filled the car. Here we were again; stuck. I wanted to be where he was, he wanted to be where I was, but we couldn't leave where we were individually. Stuck. I heard him breathe loudly, the rush of the air leaving his lungs suddenly becoming the most prominent sound in the car.

"Sorry," I whispered.

"Don't apologize, it just sucks," he said, grabbing my hand in his loosely, intertwining our fingers together.

"I know," I replied, glancing sideways, trying to give him some sort of a reassuring smile, but it turned out lop-sided and his own smile mirrored that of mine.

And that's where we left it. There was no point in talking about it anymore, we had talked about it to death, exhausted all possibilities, all scenarios and come to the same conclusion that we came to each time we talked about it; we were stuck. So we continued to drive in a silent calm, the same thought rushing through both our heads; I wish I could change this.

Stumbling through the door, both our hands filled with bags and food, we made our way to the kitchen. I had bumped into one of my housemates and she looked confused as to why I had so much stuff in my hands, then it clicked. In all my rush and hurry to plan this party and get everything I needed, I had forgotten to ask my housemates if it was ok to actually throw this party. Damn it.

After begging and pleading with my three housemates, I got an approval from one, a disappointed look from another, and one just stormed out and said she would spend the night in the library. I felt awful, but my guilt was a little clouded by my sheer excitement and nervousness of introducing Harry to my friends.

"So I get to see you all fancy tonight don't I?" Harry asked while I began to change in my room.

"Fancy? Well a little I guess, but what, you don't approve of my everyday look?" I asked with my back turned to him, a small curl playing excitedly on my lips.

"Oh no, I didn't mean it like that. I just uh… I like how you look and…" Harry began to stammer.

I liked to rile him up a little every once in a while, catch him in what he says and make him a little flustered. It was nice not to be the bumbling fool for once.

"I'm only kidding, I know what you meant," I said, turning to face him, giving him a sly wink while giggling softly under my breath.

"I like what you're wearing now," he said with a seductive undertone in his voice.

"Yes, because jeans and a bra is very practical to wear to a party," I replied sarcastically.

I began to walk towards the bathroom, but was abruptly stopped by two arms wrapping themselves around my waist and pulling me towards the bed. We stumbled backwards together, his lips softly brushing the skin of my neck, my eyes closing in response to the heat that was building up inside me once again. One hand remained firmly coiled around my waist, while the other traced across the skin of my stomach and up my chest to my jaw, where he cupped my face gently in his hand.

Our mouths met in an electrifying kiss that instantly numbed my lips, causing my knees to go weak yet again, and the color of my cheeks to change into the all too familiar shade of red. One kiss and he managed to make me loose all my composure and become filled with an urgency to wrap my arms around him and have my lips attached to his.

We remained standing like that; wrapped up in each other, mouths moving, tongues brushing, hands wandering, clothes being strategically removed and dropped to the floor. I pulled away, a small glint of common sense somehow managing to enter the pool of fuzziness that had become my brain, screaming at me to pull away because this wasn't the time; people were going to arrive very soon. My breathing was short, face undoubtedly flushed and lips raw from the mere touch of his mouth on mine. I looked down in embarrassment, still slightly mortified that one person could have this effect on me.

"I think it's cute when you blush, don't look away," he says laughing to himself.

"It's ridiculous," I reply, burying my face in one hand, shaking my head from side to side, trying to compose myself.

"It's cute, plus I like knowing that I have this effect on you," he adds smugly, running his hand softly over the bare skin of my shoulder. He wasn't helping me try to get rid of the heat; he was just stoking the fire.

I placed one last lingering kiss on his lips, my hands meeting his face as I placed them on each side gently, my shoulders lifting in anticipation. I pulled away and went to leave his grasp, but was held captive in his arms as he refused to let go.

"We have to finish getting ready Harry, people are coming soon and you're not even dressed," I say sternly, looking him in the eyes, but continuing to squirm faintly to twist out of his grasp.

"How can you think about other people after you kiss me like that?" he says, completely serious, face unwavering.

"I have self control," I reply jokingly, bringing my hand up to meet his cheek, brushing it gently as he lets out a low sigh, a deep breath escaping his lips. He looks disheartened for some reason.

I lift up on tip toes and bring my lips to his once again, giving him a quick peck, forceful yet short, wanting to reassure him that he is the only one that I think about when we kiss, when we're together, when we touch; he is the only thing that consumes me in my thoughts.

"But I seem to lose it when I'm around you. I think it's pretty obvious by the shade of my face, that you make me all hot and bothered Harry," I tell him, looking him directly in the eyes, knowing that by saying these words, my cheeks will become flushed and I will blush undoubtedly yet again, for the millionth time today alone.

"Well, you do tend to blush a lot," he says, thinking over what I just told him, his eyes rolling towards the ceiling.

"Yeah, I know," I say, feeling the heat rise to my face, my gaze lowering to the floor.

"So I guess that means I must make you all hot and bothered a lot," he finally concludes, laughing triumphantly at his discovery.

"You have no idea," I whisper under my breath, my gaze still focused on our feet.

His arms tighten around my waist and my feet are lifted off the floor as he brings my face closer to his. My eyes shoot up and are met by the bright blue ones that I drown in every time I look into them, making my breath catch in my throat. We stay in this position; our faces centimetres apart, silence filling the room.

"Good," Harry finally concludes, a satisfied look now on his face.

He pulls me in closer, bringing my face to his and pressing his lips onto mine forcefully. I inhale deeply, wrapping my arms around his neck and relaxing into the kiss. It was pure and utter passion and lust that filled that kiss, creating a frenzy throughout my entire body; through my lips, shooting through my neck and down my spine, out through my toes.

He puts me down, and pulls away, leaving me breathless and in a completely immovable state. I am at a loss for words, for thoughts, just relishing in the numbness of my lips from his touch; the same numbness being mirrored through out my entire body.

"Don't just stand there, we have to get ready," Harry says while laughing, impressed that he has left me in shock, just standing immobile in the middle of my room.

Opening the door for the first time to let the arriving guests enter, my heart was racing, pounding loudly in my chest, ready to jump out from the nerves that were building up inside of me. I was undoubtedly nervous, this was it; I was going to introduce Harry to everyone tonight, everyone.

My hand trembled as it reached for the handle after the doorbell went, taking in deep breaths to try and calm the unsteady movement. I opened the door, plastering a huge grin on my face as I was faced with a crowd of my girl friends, all smiling and looking giddy; I could tell they had already started 'partying' before they got here. They stumbled in, passing me cases of beer, bottles of wine and some form of foreign hard alcohol; if someone didn't know better, they would think that these girls were alcoholics.

"So, where is he?" Iris quickly whispered as she took off her jacket, revealing a rather nice outfit; they had all put an effort into tonight, that made me happy.

"In the kitchen," I laughed, taking all their coats and putting them into the closet, closing the door behind me.

As I turned around, I was met by five eager faces, all smiling at me goofily; a look of anxiousness residing on their faces.

"What?" I asked.

"Well come on, why are we standing out here, we want to meet this infamous guy you've been hiding," Natalie said, stealing glances towards the kitchen as she spoke. "Either he'll be really gorgeous, or you're hiding some 'thing' from the swamps, not introducing him to us sooner," she added, giggling at her own joke.

"He is no 'thing', trust me," I respond, rolling my eyes and laughing quietly to myself, proceeding towards the kitchen. I couldn't wait to see the look on their faces when they see Harry for the first time; no girl can deny he's incredibly handsome. She'll regret her 'thing' comment soon enough.

Harry was in the kitchen, fiddling with the drinks and grabbing some food; he was talking casually with my one housemate, laughing loudly as I entered the room, followed closely by my group of friends. I couldn't help the smile that curled my lips as I caught sight of him, looking dashing in what he was wearing, and lovely suspenders in tow; oh how I loved those suspenders on him.

"Ladies, I'd like you to meet Harry," I said, his eyes catching mine for only a moment, giving me that sly smile, before turning his attention to the girls in front of him.

The group of girls went silent as he walked closer to them, smiling genuinely at each and every one of them. He didn't seem nervous at all, but I guess he was used to meeting strangers, girls to be more precise, after all the press he's forced to do and all the fans that he meets. He just exuded so much confidence, so much charm, it made him command the room, and catch the attention of everyone in it; I was no exception to his pull.

"Nice to meet you ladies," he said, his adorable accent coming through in those few words, pulling each of my friends into a hug and planting a quick peck on the cheek.

I just looked at him, my head dropping and shaking gently from side to side, the all to familiar smile creeping up on my face; he was working his charm on them, he was being a little too friendly with them for my liking. I was getting a little jealous, very unlike me, but I couldn't help the slight shade of green that began to reside inside me, catching me off guard. How could I not feel any jealousy; what was this handsome guy doing with me? As I have said many times, he really could have any girl he wanted, yet he chose me. That was very unsettling, making me nervous that it was all a little too much like a story; where the extraordinary guy chooses the average girl and they grow old together. That never happens in reality.

My head lifted back up, and caught his eyes; he gave me a quick wink and went to hug the last of the group of my friends, pulling away after planting the last kiss on her cheek. I stood back, letting him do what he did, not wanting to be the one carrying the conversation between the two parts of my life.

He walked over to me after introducing himself to each one, taking note of the names that were being thrown at him. I noticed that he furrowed his brow ever so slightly as each name was said, trying to concentrate and remember each one. I felt my heart jump at this little gesture; he was making a big effort, trying very hard to make this work. He was being genuine. I squealed internally, unable to control my excitement. He gently laced his fingers with mine, our hands hanging at our sides unnoticeably but the small contact between us set my jealousy aside, reassuring me that he was really with me, and I was the only one.

This same scene was repeated numerously over the course of the evening; Harry hugging and pecking the cheeks of the girls introduced to him, and shaking hands firmly with the guys. Surprisingly he was getting along quite well with all of my friends, this managed to set me at ease and allowed me to actually enjoy this night. He was at my side for most of the evening; the music beating throughout the house, the alcohol being consumed at a fast rate, and bodies moving against each other on the impromptu 'dance floor' that was created in the living room.

For the first time in the evening, we separated; Harry had found one of my friends who was a drummer in a band as well, and they began to talk about all things to do with drums. I would have stuck around, but I had heard most of it before, both from Harry and my friend Adam alike. I quickly pecked his cheek and excused myself from their conversation, but was pulled back only slightly by Harry not letting go of my hand.

"Don't' go too far," he whispered into my ear, the tingles shooting up my legs and into my chest as his breath danced across my ear.

He brushed my hair behind my ear and then gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and let me go. I just hung my head, my hands finding my face and hiding the deep crimson that was once my normal skin tone. 'Deep breaths' I repeated to myself as I continued to cross the room to a small gathering of my friends who were giggling quietly, looking my way and whispering something to each other.

I joined the group, grabbing a beer while walking over, taking a big drink, hoping that some alcohol could maybe cool the heat that was residing permanently in my face. As soon as I approached the group, silence immediately fell over them, all eyes focusing on me.

"What?" I asked.

"Oh my, Harry is gorgeous," Natalie quickly blurted out, her balance unsteady from the many drinks she had consumed over the evening.

I felt the heat rush back to my face yet again, my cheeks filling with a burning sensation. Curse my profuse blushing; curse it!

"Yeah," I said with a wide grin, my stare quickly focusing onto my shoes.

"And that accent, oh it's to die for," Iris threw in; it seems I had walked into a full blown gossip session about the one and only Harry Judd. How fortunate for me.

I just stood back, listening to everything they had to say about how hot he was; the eyes, the hair, the mouth, the face, the clothes, the sense of humour, and most of all the accent. Thank God Harry wasn't here; his head would have inflated even more, possibly even too big for his own neck to support.

I couldn't help but laugh quietly under my breath; everything they mentioned was everything I saw in him, but there was so much more behind it. When my friends were describing his eyes, I pictured his staring back into mine last night as we had laid intertwined under the sheets. When they mentioned his lips, I was filled with images and feelings of those lips firmly pressed on mine, moving, brushing down the skin of my neck, his hot breath electrifying my veins. The mention of his hair, I pictured my fingers running through it, pulling him into me. The sense of humour, only being filled with memories of how much he makes me laugh, the sarcastic comments that never fail to make me smile. And the accent; the sound of his voice when he says my name, but more importantly the sound of him saying 'I love you' while his eyes bore into mine. It was all these things that made me love him, and not one of my friends could comprehend just how much I felt for him.

I was snapped out of my reminiscing daze when Natalie waved her hand in front of my face, drawing my attention back to the people in front of me.

"Sorry, what did you say?" I asked, doing my best to focus on what she was saying and not the indecent thoughts that were whizzing around in my head about Harry. That boy was going to be the end of me.

"I was asking you how you met Harry," Natalie repeated.

I began to tell her about the concert at the beginning of the year, the party we went to afterwards, and how after that we had decided to try this thing between us and now the rest was history. It's funny that I had to tell Natalie this story, because she had been there with me at the party, and she had met him; she had a thing for the young bassist. I had also told her about him in the beginning, but I only referred to him as 'the hot drummer' in my stories.

"He's the hot drummer?! No way, I knew I recognized him!" Natalie exclaimed, almost spilling her drink.

"Yeah, he is," I laughed, glancing over at him, receiving a very cheeky grin and a sly wink. My stomach did a somersault and my heart skipped a beat.

This set off a frenzy among the chatting girls; unable to believe that I had managed to snag the hot English drummer and maintain a relationship with him for this long. Thanks for the confidence girls. They continued to chat away animatedly amongst themselves, so I decided to pull away, finding the wall at the back of the room very inviting.

This was my group of friends, not Harry's, so I should have been the one in amongst the wreckage doing my best to integrate Harry into this mass of people, not the one watching it from the sidelines as Harry was talking to a group of people, them laughing away. I just wasn't in the festive mood really. One thing kept creeping back into my mind; tonight was the last night. Tomorrow Harry had to leave and just thinking about it I felt my heart begin to crack, it growing weak at the thought of being without him.

I found myself feeling very selfish, almost regretting throwing this party and having to share him with others. I wanted him all to myself and I wanted him all the time; I never wanted to let go. I watched him, my eyes unable to tear away from his image. The way his shirt rested on his shoulders, the way his pants hung from his waist, the way his head nodded as he listened, and the curve of his mouth when he laughed; it was all being committed to memory, forever locked away.

Our eyes locked for a second, him realizing I was watching him and he gave me a meaningful smile. He must have noticed that I didn't have a very joyful expression on my face. I returned the smile, continuing to watch him as he talked to my friends. I felt my cheeks burn slightly as he winked at me, raising his eyebrows; I could almost hear his voice in my head, saying something cheeky, something smug that would undoubtedly make me turn to mush, a puddle of my former self.

"You like him a lot don't you?" I heard Sapna say, snapping me out of my thoughtful daydream. She was the only one of my housemates that had come to the party, but I was very thankful that it was her.

"You have no idea," I said, continuing to watch him, cradling the drink in my hands.

"You're falling for him," she stated, shifting her gaze to follow mine, falling on him.

"Hard, falling hard. I love him Sapna. A lot," I said, a deep sigh escaping my lips, tearing my gaze from him and looking at her for the first time.

"Oh sweetie," she said sympathetically, wrapping her arm around my shoulder and giving me a hug.

"It's ridiculous, I know. But I didn't expect it to happen, it blind-sided me completely. I'm an idiot."

"No you're not, it's sweet. He seems like a great guy, and it looks like he really loves you as well; no guy would try this hard with a girlfriend's friends if he didn't care," she said reassuringly.

"What am I going to do tomorrow when he leaves? I don't know if I'll be able to handle it Sapna," I said, finally voicing my fears for the first time, feeling my chest tighten as I say the word 'leave', the thought almost unbearable.

"Shh, it's going to be terrible, I'm not going to lie to you, but you'll make it through. I'll be here waiting for you, I promise," she says, pulling me out to arms length, a hand on each shoulder, bracing me and looking me straight in the eyes.

"You're the best, thanks," I said, giving her a final hug before pulling away.

"Enough of this sadness," I said wiping a single tear from my cheek, "this is supposed to be a party, so I'm just going to go and get myself another drink," I said, taking the final gulp of the drink in my hand and proceeding to the kitchen.

Walking into the deserted kitchen, I was thankful for the privacy; I suddenly didn't feel like being around people. I stood facing the kitchen counter, hands firmly placed a shoulder's length apart on the counter, bracing myself as I took a few deep breaths. 'Get it together for God's sake', I cursed myself silently. I was startled by the shuffling of feet as they made their way closer to me in the kitchen; I had to pull it together before someone saw me like this.

"Hey," I heard Harry say, quite aware of his presence directly behind me; his breath playing softly on the back of my neck.

I turned around slowly and lifted my head to look at him. A low sigh escaped my mouth and I leant against the counter, finding the cold tile against my lower back supporting. I suddenly felt like I was a thousand pounds heavier; an extreme weight heavy on my shoulders.

"Hi," I whispered, continuing to stare at him.

"I like your friends," he said, wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me off the counter and into him, our chests touching as my breathing quickened.

"They seem to really like you too. I'm glad this worked," I said, resting my head on his chest, inhaling deeply, his scent filling my senses and causing my head to become fuzzy once more.

"Me too," he said, stroking my hair gently, planting a soft kiss on the top of my head as his hands dropped lower to the small of my back, tightening his grip.

I lifted my head and brought my lips to his, standing on tip toe to reach him. The moment our lips touched, I felt my heart ache from the sheer amount of love that I felt for him. He lifted me slightly, bringing me closer to him, his lips moving on mine in a slow and tender fashion, his tongue brushing across my lower lip; the jolts of electricity now steady as they ran through my body. I felt a single tear escape my eye, roll down my cheek and tasted the saltiness as it hit my mouth; I had to pull myself together, this was ridiculous. I pressed my lips harder against his, my arms now wrapped around his neck in an instinctive manner, my fingers twirling in his hair. We continued in the kiss, the heat rising between us as his hands found their way under my shirt, tracing small circles across the skin of my back. I pulled away breathlessly, still looking at him, inhaling deeply to steady my breathing. A soft smile broke onto my lips, still numb from his touch. He smiled back and no words needed to be exchanged. This was enough; just standing here with him, in his arms, his eyes focused on me. He was more than enough. He was everything.

He grabbed my hand in his and turned to walk out of the kitchen, pulling me closely behind him. We stayed connected this way for the rest of the evening, his body always in contact with mine in some way. We talked to my friends, drank ridiculous amounts of alcohol, played stupid games, and danced drunkenly to cheesy music; it was perfect. That night, that feeling, that moment was perfect.


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25 – '… so much closer'**

"Harry…" I whispered into his lips, the sound coming out muffled due to the pressure of his lips pressed firmly against mine.

We stumbled back into my room, the door being slammed shut by the force of his foot hitting it, not once taking the focus from the kiss we were sharing. His arms were around my waist, travelling up and down my back; making me shake with chills and burn with desire all at the same time. The breathing was quick and shallow, but it was the only sound that filled the room in between the uncontrollable escaping moans. We remained fastened at the lips, our hands wandering frantically over our bodies, as if they were exploring new territory for the first time. We continued this way, continuing to be attached at the lips, chests, the hips; the skin of our bodies aching to be in contact with the other.

After an evening filled with stealing glances, sly smiles, unnoticeable clasps of our hands, the odd wander off to steal a quick embrace, small kisses to the cheek, just barely brushing our lips together, the tension between us had built to a fever pitch; we were on the verge of explosion. The second the last guest disappeared, the moment the door clicked closed, Harry's lips found mine and they had been attached ever since. We managed to stumble our way into my bedroom, longing just to be in each others arms, to feel each other's touch, to be able to taste one other. The wanting was consumable, devouring us whole as soon as we indulged into it.

Our contact breaks for the slightest of moments, inhaling a deep breath of air as Harry gently slips my shirt over my head; his lips plunging back into mine the second the material leaves my head, plummeting to the floor. My whole body is numb yet buzzing with so much excitement and desire that I thought my head would burst from so much ecstasy. Even now, I continued to be overwhelmed by such an intense feeling, almost being unable to control myself and having to break away just to be able to survive. My lips broke free of his, the sharp intake of air rushing into my lungs. My face remained close to his, staring up into it, my vision blurry from the passionate sensation.

My eyes fell to his lips, a darker shade of pink from the intense contact of my lips on his. The corner of his mouth curls up revealing a grin, making my knees go weak all over again as the feeling was just recently regained into my legs. I just wanted to kiss him over and over again, unable to control the impulse to lunge forward and taste him again. I was breathing deeply, finding the air in the room suffocating, but in the best sense possible.

I slowly brought my hands up, finding it necessary to shed him of his unnecessary and hindering clothing. My hands found his suspenders, firmly hung on his broad shoulders. I slipped a single finger under the material, running down to his chest and pulling it away from his body. My other hand mimicked the same action to the other side, and both hands were now toying with the elastic material. His lips brushed soft kisses to the skin of my cheek and down to the pulsating veins that resided in my neck; his hot breath electrifying each cell in my body.

"I've wanted to kiss you like that all night," his low voice vibrated against the skin of my neck, only being recognized as a deep mumble.

"Oh Harry," I exhaled as his tongue gently swept up my neck to my jaw line.

I pushed the suspenders aside, finding his buttons and undoing them hurriedly. As I continued to work on his clothing, Harry had expertly rid me of mine, leaving me standing in front of him only covered by the material of my underwear. I pulled away from him and just stared at him, overcome by emotion once again. I was in ecstasy and pure misery at the same time; I wanted to continue kissing him and feeling his body on mine, but also wanted to cry rivers of tears at the thought of him leaving. Even in these moments of passion, I couldn't escape the thought of him leaving; knowing that at this time tomorrow, I would be alone.

My gaze dropped, my head following, unable to control the single tear that managed to escape my eye. I closed them tightly, willing for no more to fall, bringing my hand up quickly to wipe away the rogue tear. I felt Harry's hands cup my face, framing each side as he pulled my head up to meet his gaze. He looked down at me, and brought his face to mine, placing his lips on my lips in an earth-shattering, gentle, passion filled, heart breaking kiss. I felt yet another tear escape the confines of my eyes, rolling down my cheek slowly. He pulled my face away slowly, my lips now motionless and completely numb from his sensation. He looked down on me again, wiping the moisture from my cheek with his thumb ever so gently.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, holding my face in his hands as he spoke.

I took in another deep breath to steady my speeding heart and to calm my nerves. Just looking into his eyes, feeling his skin on mine made me loose all my composure and for the first time, it made me want to weep tears of sorrow. He had left me before, but this time it was different. Previous times when he left, he would take a small piece of my heart, a miniscule fragment that I could somehow manage to live without. But this time, when he leaves tomorrow, he will be taking the entire thing; he will be carrying with him my whole heart. I had willingly given it up to him over this visit, exposing my vulnerable self; how was I expected to just go on with my life after my heart leaves for England? How is anyone supposed to bare the thought of not knowing when you would be able to see the person you love again? I just wanted him here, here with me.

"Don't apologize," I finally spoke in a barely audible tone, "you don't have anything to apologize for," I said, wiping away a few more silent tears.

"I'm sorry that I make you cry, I'm sorry that I have to leave tomorrow and I'm sorry that I have grown to love you so much but end up hurting you in the end," he said, his hands still cupping my face, our eyes locked with each other's.

"Oh Harry," I said, more tears escaping my eyes at his sweet words, my shoulders dropping in defeat.

"I love you so much."

"I love you more than I can say."

With that exchange of words, my heart broke, reassembled and then broke all over again. I had fallen hard and now my heart was plummeting, falling in to the hands of Harry Judd. My face still clasped gently in his hands was pulled forward and our lips were re-attached, moving against one another in a familiar fashion, but sending new and exciting sensations through every nerve of my body. My arms wrapped around his neck instinctively, recreating a memorable pose between us; one that I would happily spend the rest of my breathing days locked in.

His hands dropped from my face and lowered to wrap around my back, pulling me up into his hold, lifting my feet off the ground and making me melt into him. Our chests rose and fell together in a rhythmic fashion, the beat of his heart echoing into my own chest, sending my own rhythm into a beating frenzy. My legs wrapped around his waist, and my arms tightened around his neck, pulling up to push my lips harder against his.

He began to move, stumbling over to the bed as his hands remained firmly clasped around my back, my own running up and down his spine, snaking around to his chest as my finger nails dug gently into his skin. He lets out a low growl into my lips and I can't help the smile that cracks into the kiss. We fall onto the bed, still attached, his arms untwisting from my waist and braced on either side of me, holding up his weight. He lowers onto me, the weight of his body on mine and skin pressing against every inch of my own sending uncontrollable shivers down my spine. He unwraps my arms gently from around his neck while planting soft kisses to my collarbone, his fingers trailing gently over the flaming skin of my arms, pulling them up and over my head, pinning me beneath him.

He just stares down at me, my gaze finding his, staring back, unable to say anything. Silence fills the room between us, our breathing settling as our hearts fall into a common rhythm.

"You're beautiful," he whispers, brushing my hair from my cheek, exposing the deep red that has burned itself into the flesh.

"Oh Harry, stop it," I whisper, breaking eye contact with him, unable to take the sensation of his eyes boring into me.

Someone as unsure of themselves and self-conscious as myself is not capable or confident enough to just stare back, to hold my own against someone as handsome and incredible as Harry was. I still didn't know what he saw in me, but I was grateful to whatever it was, making me happy that someone like him could have found me.

"Don't look away, you are so gorgeous and I can't believe that I am lucky enough to be with someone as wonderful as you," he said softly, bringing my face back up, making eye contact immediately.

How was he doing this? It was as if he was residing in the back of my mind, taking notes of all my insecurities and far-fetched notions and then saying things at the perfect times to reassure me; to make me feel like I am the only girl in the entire world that means anything to him. This feeling, the way he made me believe that I was the most important person was what made me fall for him. He had managed to make me feel undoubtedly wanted, constantly needed, lustfully desired, and unconditionally loved. He had managed to fill a part of me that I now couldn't bare to live with empty.

"How are you so perfect?" I asked, bringing my hand gently to his cheek, brushing the roughness of his stubble as his eyes scanned my face.

His lips curled at this question, his gaze breaking from mine and falling for the first time. I could have sworn that a hint of insecurity shot through him as he lowered his head, self-consciousness suddenly evident on his face as he searched for an answer.

"I'm not," he exhaled, shaking his head slightly.

It was my turn to reassure him that he meant everything to me; and in my eyes he was perfect. He was perfect for me. I brought my hand under his chin and lifted it gently to regain his focus, wanting him to look straight into my eyes, to see that what I was about to say was the most important thing in the world.

"To me you are."

He didn't say anything, just crashing his lips onto mine, not allowing me to breath as his lips suffocated my own. We rolled against each other, our bodies entangled and skin pushed up against one another; every inch was in contact, the heat radiating out from between us. I was left gasping many times, the air escaping me, my chest rising and falling quickly as I lay speechless and numb. After everything said, everything that happened over the last week or so, we were full of pure, unadulterated want and lust as our bodies rolled and tossed on the bed; we gave into the want and desire, relishing in the sensation that we would be devoid of for too long in the near future. The new feelings, jolts of electricity and burning desire were committed to memory; taking notice of every small detail so to be able to recreate this prefect scene in my head when necessary.

After hours of indulging our needs, we lay there facing each other, sleep escaping us both. One of Harry's arms was draped protectively over my waist, pulling me into him as our eyes remained locked. The other hand was wrapped firmly around my own hand, pulling it close and placing it against the skin of his chest; the slow rhythmic beating of his heart penetrating the skin of my hand, echoing through my veins and into my chest.

We breathed deeply and quietly, neither of us knowing what to say; we had said everything there was to say, done everything we could do to show how we felt about each other, and felt all the emotions there were to feel. There was no more to it; all we did now was wait for the inevitable heartache that was just behind the approaching sunrise. I willed for the sun to disappear, forget about the upcoming morning and give me this moment for ever, this night where I could lay in Harry's arms and sleep peacefully knowing that he would never leave me.

"I want to stay like this with you," Harry breathed, breaking the suffocating silence that had fallen over the room.

"Me too," I whispered, barely able to hold it together for those two words.

There was another pause of silence, as if the next words that he was about to utter would shatter the world, crumbling my very existence; but I knew what was coming next, and I knew that my heart would break all over again at the sound of those words.

"I don't want to leave," he mumbled, the hurt reappearing in his eyes as he mentioned the inevitable.

"Me neither," I quickly said, bringing my lips hastily to his, kissing him slowly and softly, but pulling away before the fire between us began to blaze again; unable to experience the enormity of the feelings once more, already too worn from the battle that was raging on inside me.

I turned away from him and quickly leapt from the bed, grabbing a t-shirt and moving hurriedly to the bathroom, ignoring the quiet protests from Harry as I left the room. I couldn't lay there like that for much longer without breaking down completely. I didn't want to cry in front of him again; he already felt so bad for leaving, the guilt gnawing away at him, I knew this. So it was selfish for me to break down in front of him, causing him even more grief. This wasn't going to be easy on either of us, and I couldn't just be thinking of my own weakness at the moment, I had to take into consideration his. It broke Harry's heart to see me this hurt, and in return it broke mine to even be able to hurt him in this way; it was a vicious cycle, and I had to break it before we both tumbled into a pool of misery.

I found refuge in the bathroom, not turning on the lights as I leant up against the wood of the door, taking in deep breaths as the silent tears cascaded down my cheeks, my body jerking from the gut-wrenching sobs that wracked my body. I slid down the hard door, falling into a puddle on the floor, my knees up at my chest. In my dark sanctuary of the bathroom, I broke down, letting the sorrow fill every inch of my being.

I was quickly snapped from my despair by the sound of feet softly padding their way closer to the bathroom door. _Oh shit, he can't see me like this._ I sprung to my feet, pulling all my strength as my chest continued to rise and fall violently from the sobs that shot through me. I tried to wipe the stains of tears from my cheeks furiously as I saw the reflection of my drowning self, unable to erase the effects of crying. He was going to open that door and see me like this and I knew his heart would break, causing me and him more unnecessary pain. I heard him reach the door, his heavy breathing sounding through the wood, making my own heart race uncontrollably.

I was unable to cease the sobs, the wrenching of my upper body resembling that of convulsions. I quickly turned to the shower, turning the hot water on fully, and letting the hot mass fall from the shower head. I heard a soft knock on the door, barely audible over the rushing of water behind the curtain. I ignored it, stripping off my t-shirt and jumping into the hot waterfall.

"Let me in," I heard him whisper, the sound of his voice cracking my last hope of pulling it together, the tears now falling hard and furiously.

I ignored him again, unable to piece any form of words together, my voice failing me even if I tried. I was afraid that if I opened my mouth, the silent sobs would escape only leaving gasping and weeping sounds, ones that I wasn't prepared to hear, or let anyone else hear for that matter, let alone Harry.

I heard the door click open quietly, cursing myself internally for not locking it. I heard him cross the room, making his way over to the curtain, it swaying in the air as he passed it. I wasn't able to stop crying, the tears never dying, carving rivers into my cheeks and streaming freely. I was unable to move, my feet rooted to the cold ceramic of the tub, the water continuing to rush over me, wrapping me in a warm cocoon that could not remove the coldness that I felt rushing in my veins. I buried my face into the cascading water, willing for the tears to merge into one with the oncoming water, potentially masking my grief, hiding it from the one I loved.

I felt the cold air rush into the confined space as Harry brought back the curtain, stepping in silently, not uttering a word. My heart stopped beating abruptly, the intake of air impossible as a lump lodged itself in my throat. Every single hair stood on end, and even though I was standing beneath hot water, I felt goose bumps erupt on every inch of my skin. I stared intently at the tile in front of me, not wanting to turn to Harry to reveal my broken self.

He touched my shoulder ever so gently, apprehensive at my response. His fingers brushed slowly across the skin and up to my neck and to my face, brushing across my lips with his fingertips. Even though the water was able to mask my tears, it was unable to hide the aggressive rise and fall of my shoulders; the sobs that wracked my chest. My head dropped at his touch, my knees weak and buckling underneath me, unable to remain strong and hold the weight of my body any longer.

I turn quickly to him and bury my face into his chest, the tears continuing to fall, now collapsing onto his skin. I look down immediately, not wanting him to see my face, but finding myself in need to be in his arms again, to hold me up, to wrap around me and make me feel at peace if only for a moment. My head rests heavily against his chest, the slow rise and fall soothing as he inhales slow deep breaths. His hands wrap tightly around my back, pulling me into him and caressing up and down softly to try and calm me. But it's no use. How can someone I love so much cause me so much pain? It's because the things that mean the most to you are the ones that can rip you up, tear everything apart and then sew it all back together with the slightest of ease.

I felt his arms pull away from me only slightly, bringing one hand up to my face and cupping it gently as he pulled it up to face him. I wasn't ready to look at him, scared that when our eyes met I would lose whatever small trace of control I had left and would melt into a puddle that would just come together with the pooling water and drain away. My face was up to his, but my eyes remained down, the tears still falling continuously. He lowered his face and collided his lips against mine, my breath escaping me, a loud sigh leaving my lips as I fell into him.

The touch of our lips joined is overwhelming, yet a sensation that I never want to end. I shut my eyes so tightly, willing for the tears to finally stop falling, to just take solace in the joy that I am to be experiencing at this moment. They finally cease, running dry, my face still wet from the rivers I had cried. I melt into the kiss, responding to his lips moving on mine, shivers shooting through me as his tongue brushes my lower lip. I pull away from him, prying my eyes open and looking up at him for the first time since my breakdown.

His thumb gently strokes the moist skin of my cheek, still cradling my face in his hands, gently, cautiously as if I'm about to break from the slightest of movements; which is not far from the truth. I relish in the fact that Harry somehow always knows how to make me feel protected and safe, it was as if he is able to read my thoughts and just respond to them in a fashion that is absolutely perfect. It made me uneasy that anyone could know me that well, and it scared the hell out of me to be that vulnerable to another human being that wasn't my mother.

I stare up into him, just standing there under the cascading water in each other's embrace, his hands still firmly clasping my face. I nuzzle into his touch, wanting to always feel this way. He walks me back a little, his body now reaching the hot water and being drenched under the cascade. I can't help but steal glances of the droplets as they roll down the skin of his chest, suddenly feeling the heat that has filled the little space of the shower, finding it hard to resist the urge to run my hands up and down his chest. I don't resist, my hands flying to his skin and caressing it softly, hearing a low moan escape his lips.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles into the skin of my neck.

I pull away from him and brace myself against his shoulders, my hands clasping tightly.

"What are you apologising for now?" I ask, slightly out of breath.

"You were crying," he said softly, bringing his hand up again gently to my cheek to stroke it reassuringly once more.

"Oh, I'm just being a stupid girl Harry," I said, looking down, trying to brush off my complete and utter breakdown as simple emotions; stupid girl emotions.

"It's not stupid," he said firmly, kissing my cheek so gently.

"It is, I'm sorry," I say softly.

"No, it's not."

"It is, I shouldn't be crying," I said, planting soft kisses on his chest, my hands running up and down his back delicately, my nails grazing his skin intermittingly.

"Oh God, you drive me crazy," he growled into my ear, taking it in between his teeth as he spoke.

All the hairs on my neck stood on end at that moment, a giant shock of heat rippling through my spine and down to my toes. My hands quickly wrapped around his waist pulling him into me. There was that sudden urgency yet again, devouring us both as we began to kiss frantically, lips moving, tongues brushing, and hands wandering. He pushed me up against the wall of the shower, the cold tile erupting the same goose bumps along my skin, my lip quivering from the lack of contact to the warm water rushing down. The skin that was pressed against Harry's was burning, searing with heat as he pushed up against me, his hands trailing slowly down my arm and to my waist.

He braced himself against the wall, his arm by my ear while the other gently cradled my cheek as we continued to kiss passionately. It was amazing the feeling I felt with him attached to me, I could never describe it; the only word that came to mind was pure ecstasy. He pulled away from me slowly, breathlessly but his face remained close to mine, our noses still brushing against one another's. I slowly opened my eyes to be met by his blue ones, feeling the all too familiar hitch in my throat as my breath was taken away from me once again. Even though my senses were buzzing with heat, my body was shivering from the cool air as the water beaded up on my skin. In the moment of passion, I had been pulled out of the cascading water and pushed up against the cold tile all to be ravished by Harry. Normally I wouldn't complain, but standing naked and wet, I had begun to shiver.

"Your lip is quivering," Harry said in between soft kisses to my face, his finger rubbing over the uncontrollable movement of my bottom lip.

"It's a little cold not underneath the water," I said sarcastically.

"Shit, sorry," he said, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me back underneath the water.

We stayed close to one another, some patch of skin always in contact with each other, unable to be part now since we knew that we would be torn from our grasps tomorrow. His lips frantically met mine, the taste and hunger consuming once more. His hands wandered over my body, brushing and stroking, sending trembles through my veins, spine and skin. The scene would be a memorable one, one that no one could easily forget. Even in my dying days, I would remember the feelings I experienced at that moment; the sheer love that I thought was incapable of existing that coursed through my veins would remain brunt into my mind forever. It was everything you hoped it could be; romantic, sweet, lust-filled, and hot. He was everything I could ever have hoped for.

Lying in the bed entangled under the sheets, we just remained locked in each other's arms. I had cried all my tears; running dry, after the amount of water comparable to that of the Atlantic Ocean somehow cascaded from my eyes. An eerie still had set over me, comparable to that of a calm before a storm. The storm was coming tomorrow, it was known, but now all I could do was wait for it and embrace what was in front of me.

"I'm sorry," Harry whispered, brushing my cheek lovingly once again.

"Will you stop apologizing," I said a little sternly, "you have noting to apologize for, honestly."

"I'm sorry that I made you cry, I hate myself for it," he said again, looking me straight in the eyes, continuing to gently stroke my face, tiny waves of tingles running through my body intermittingly.

"I was just being a stupid girl, over-reacting, that's all," I said dismissively, trying to downplay the immense heartache that had caused the tears to break from my eyes.

"Don't do that," he said trailing off, his eyes lowering in pain.

"What?"

"That." He said abruptly, raising his voice. "Don't just dismiss it, don't push me away and retreat into your shell. You cried, you sobbed; I heard you."

"Oh," I said, looking down, suddenly feeling the same tingling sensation behind my eyes.

"Look at me," he said, pulling my gaze to his. "I hate the fact that I am the one to make you cry, but at the same time I feel slightly reprieved. I have never seen you shed a tear for me before. The countless times I have left previously, you stood there stone-faced staring back at me as my heart broke with every step I took away from you. But seeing you tonight, the way your heart broke in front of me, I have never felt so much pain yet relief at the same time. You confirmed everything that I was feeling and I love you more than I can say. I know that I am not alone in this and that I have never loved anyone more than I do you right now. You are it for me, you are my one and only," he finished, as fresh tears soaked the pillow beneath my head.

I couldn't say anything; I just leaned forward and kissed him gently, my lips meeting his ever so softly. I pulled away from him and just shifted further into his chest, wanting to be as close to him as possible.

"I love you so much Harry," I mumbled into his chest, his arms tightening as I said those words. "The lack of tears wasn't because I didn't love you; I didn't cry because I didn't want to hurt you. It was self-preservation; I was in denial just how hard I had really fallen for you."

"I never want to leave," he said flatly.

"I know".

And with that, all was said once again. We were stuck in the same proverbial spot between the rock and the hard place; each of us on opposite sides of the Atlantic longing to be closer. We remained silent for the rest of the night, however neither of us slept. The occasional tear would roll down my cheek, and Harry would be there to wipe it away and kiss the very spot where it once was. With our arms wrapped tightly around each other, bodies entangled and nestled into one another, we waited for the sunrise. We waited for the inappropriate sun to shine and bring alone with it the inevitable heartache that we both dreaded. We waited for the end.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26 – 'I'll look after you…'**

_If I don't say this now I will surely break  
As I'm leaving the one I want to take  
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait  
My heart has started to separate_

The sun broke the darkness, slowly but surely it rose, shining through the curtains and stinging my eyes. My stare remained locked on the glowing window, the sun mocking me with the arrival of another day; the one day that I never wanted to happen. I felt a shuffle beside me; a movement that stirred the trembles down my spine and awoke all my nerves, sending them into a buzzing frenzy. I broke my gaze from the radiant window to the outside world, and looked down. The face before me was breathtaking still, causing the same lump to lodge in my throat, the breathing to become shallower and my heart to speed up and run away with the love I felt.

He had managed to fall asleep, only an hour or two ago, the exhaustion filling him and draining both of us, but I resisted; I wanted the time to drag on forever, as long as possible and falling asleep would have just sped it up and wasted it in my opinion. After his eyes had closed and he fell into slumber, I caught myself laying there and watching him; inhale, exhale, his eyes fluttering slightly as I brushed his cheek with my fingertips, running down to his lips, so that my thumb grazed over them every once in a while, finding a need to feel the skin on mine. I stole kisses, soft ones, while he slept, my lips brushing his ever so gently just to calm my aching heart, to give it what it wanted.

Pulling me from my blissful daze, the soft beeping of my alarm clock sounded in the room, setting off an internal timer, telling me that we had 12 hours left together. Tick tock, the time was fading away with every click of the clock. I shifted back, unwillingly pulling from his embrace, my arm stretching from underneath the covers to silence the incessant beeping. With a soft click, silence fell upon the room once more, the only sound of air escaping my lungs heavily filling the room, feeling the weight of the day on my shoulders. I rolled back to my previous position, one that I could have happily resided in for the rest of my breathing days, but would nonetheless be ripped from sooner or later, to find a pair of eyes staring back into me, making me stop in my movements. Breathe.

"Hi," I whispered in a soft tone, my hand finding his, my body shuffling back into his arms.

"Hi," he responded, his hand brought to my hair and stroking it back lovingly as his eyes locked with mine, scanning for something; sadness, hurt, heartache possibly. He would find all of that locked away behind my eyes, but I didn't want him to see it, to know that deep down I was completely broken.

We remained silent again, not knowing what to say that could possibly fix this situation; what could we say that could offer us comfort in the fact we were going to be ripped apart? In my opinion, there was nothing, nothing that could possibly remove this permanent suffocating feeling from my chest. I don't know what I hated more; the silence that came with waiting for the world to fall, or for the actual action of him leaving? Both were unbearable and shot through me painfully with every passing minute.

"We should probably get up," I finally broke, my voice weak and wavering.

"Yeah," he said defeated.

I took in one final deep breath and pushed my body away from his, sliding across the bed to the edge to get on with this dreadful day. I felt his arms tighten around my waist and pull me back, a small smile breaking onto my lips at this simple action. I never wanted to leave either.

"Not yet," he whispered into my lips as I returned to me previous spot, back in his arms and where I really wanted to stay.

His lips pressed against mine and a soft sigh escaped my mouth as a smile cracked my lips. His arms tightened around my waist, pulling me in even closer if possible, every inch of our skin touching and buzzing with excitement. The familiar burn inside me was erupted; setting ablaze all the nerves in my body and making me want him more than ever. My arms wrapped to his neck, snaking my fingers into his hair and pushing his mouth even closer to mine, the need for his taste devouring me whole. Our lips remained lock, moving on each other as our tongues brushed softly; the only sound of soft moans and heavy breathing filling the room.

My legs wrapped around his hips, pulling me closer yet, our bodies connected from head to toe. We lay entangled under the sheets, our bodies melting from two to one, twisting and lacing the parts into a mess of flushed skin and trembling nerves. I rolled on top of him, and broke away slowly, only due to the lack of oxygen in my system, merely briefly forgetting about the amazing sensation that stirred inside of me. My legs straddled his hips, my arms bracing my weight on either side of his head, my head falling between my shoulders as I took in deep gusts of air to fill my deflated lungs. I could feel his chest rise and fall quickly underneath me, my hair falling down over my eyes, blocking my sight of him. I couldn't help the soft smile that broke onto my lips, unable to contain the happiness that he instilled in me with one simple kiss.

His hands parted the hanging hair from my face, revealing the goofy smile that has been glued to my face. My eyes caught his and the same smile curled onto his lips; the feeling contagious between us. I felt his stomach move quickly beneath me as a low laugh escaped his lips.

"Whoa," I managed to say breathlessly.

"Yeah," he responded still laughing slightly.

I leant down one last time, catching his lips in mine, pressing them firmly onto his, the pressure bruising the soft skin. My hands slowly came up to cup his face and his remained locked on to the small of my back, tracing small circles on the burning skin. His grip tightened, one arm coming up to my neck as he abruptly rolled me over to reverse the positions, his weight now pressing down on me. His pressed down on my lips one final time, his tongue brushing across my bottom lip quickly as he pulled away, the smile now wider than ever.

"God, I love you," he said, stroking my cheek softly with the back of his fingertips, as my hands remained firmly cupped around his face.

I lifted my lips only slightly, reaching his face that hovered only inches above mine. My lips grazed his, softly but tenderly, him responding immediately. He lowered onto me, building the kiss into a burning heat that was consuming once again, unable to control the electricity that flowed through us. I had never been this way with any other guy before; unable to control my actions around him or losing the ability to think reasonably. At first it scared the hell out of me; shutting myself off to him, not wanting to become vulnerable and possibly broken from this exposure. Now I was a whole different kind of broken, one that couldn't be fixed but left scars on my heart that would forever remind me of the stretching that it had to do when the overwhelming love had swelled my heart.

"I love you so much Harry," I mumbled into his lips, being unable to tear away, connected to them as if they had fused together.

The frenzy inside him erupted and his hands came to life; running up and down my skin as trembles shot through my body, rippling through me. Waves of sensation rolled through me as our bodies rocked back and forth, unable to control the urgency that was bursting at the seams. Erratic breathing, tangled bodies, soft, low moans filled the room, my love for him building up even more; savouring the final moments that we could share like this, just the two of us caught up in each other.

"No matter how much I would love to, we really can't stay here all day," I said jokingly, still gasping for air as I lay beside him; wanting to make this day a little lighter than it had started.

"And I can't persuade you in any way?" he asked smugly, his eyebrows raising at the dirty thoughts that raced through his mind.

"Tempting, very tempting, but you still have to pack," I said with a slightly heavy heart.

A low sigh left his lips, "Yeah, well that means we have to go to my hotel room, you know, I think there's a bed there as well," he said, re-wrapping his arms around me and planting soft kisses on my face.

"All you think about is sex don't you Judd?" I asked with a shocked tone in my voice, but no shock in my mind really, knowing that all boys were the same; some just a little more dear to my heart than others.

He paused to think for a second, pondering on how to answer this properly without receiving a smack from me, "well when you have such a hot girl laying in bed with you, how can any guy resist?" he finally said, satisfaction washing over his face, the all too familiar smug smile residing on his lips.

And there goes the color rushing to my cheeks, once again feeling all flushed from the inappropriate things he said. The sound of his voice as he uttered those words was what got to me; the low growl and husky undertone made the gut of my stomach erupt into soft tingles that ran up my body. He leant forward and kissed me again passionately, increasing the heat in my cheeks, the skin now a burning sensation.

"You're lucky," I said pulling away, our faces still close together, our noses just touching. "Lucky that you always manage to say the right thing."

With that, he smiled widely and looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Not lucky, just irresistible."

"I think we should go and see that bed you speak of that's located somewhere in your hotel room right?" I asked jokingly, my fingers tracing soft circles on his chest.

"I like the sound of that," he replied.

And with that, he shot up from the bed, clad in only his boxers, and made his way across the room hurriedly to the bathroom. I found myself watching him; his swagger, the light reflecting softly off his shoulders, the skin of his back. I was just smiling at the image before me and I heard the soft sigh escape my lips; a sigh of contentment. He stopped moving, looking back at me just before entering the bathroom.

"And what do you think you're doing?" he asked, walking back over to me.

"Uh, nothing, just…" I began to stammer, feeling slightly embarrassed that he had caught me staring.

"I don't think so," he said, reaching the bed finally.

His hands reached under the covers and found my hands, entwining quickly and pulling me up roughly from the bed and into his arms. I let out a little squeal from the shock of being ripped from my warm cocoon, but the feeling of being held up in his arms was so much better. With one arm firmly snaked around my middle, his other hand came up to my face, he brushed the strewn hair from my cheek, his face millimetres from mine.

"You're coming with me," he growled before kissing me roughly on the lips one more time and then carrying me off to the bathroom. I let out little squeals of pleasure; laughter filling the room as I experienced joy on a day I thought would be filled with grey and despair.

_There now, steady love, so few come and don't go  
Will you won't you, be the one I always know?  
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around  
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down_

I sat in the car, driving along the road to Harry's hotel room. The music played from the speakers and somehow we managed to be laughing about something. This day was turning out to be a little less dismal than I originally had thought, but I think it was just self-preservation on both our parts; not wanting to spend our final day together, for a while, upset. We always wanted to remember each other as we were right now; laughing, carefree, and just happy.

Last night, we had voiced all our doubts, had our respective breakdowns, and comforted each other in the best way we knew how. That was last night, and it would stay in last night, not following us into today. So as we drove to Harry's hotel room, we made inappropriate comments, filled with sexual-innuendos and playful teasing, stealing touches here and there, his lips catching mine every few moments to reassure both him and myself that he was still here.

Waking up that morning and dreading the day, I was surprised at the calmness that had fallen over me, but I welcomed it with open arms, not really wanting to experience what I had intended. Harry had surprised me as well, he was slightly cheerful, but I'm not sure if this was of his own accord, or if he was just responding to _my_ new found calmness and was secretly burying his sadness to protect me. Either way, I loved him for everything he did, and it broke my heart that he would put himself under the proverbial bus to protect me in a sense.

We had managed to have a pleasant breakfast, joined by my housemates amidst the wreckage that was now our kitchen and our entire ground floor. We ate loudly, reminiscing about last night and the party; the drunken antics that had taken place, the comical dancing that had been put on show in the living room, and all the new couples that had somehow managed to appear from my group of friends. It's amazing what alcohol can do eh? Harry, being the sweetheart that he is, helped with the clean up; after a little persuasion from me and a lot of protestation from him. I managed to win him over by reminding him of that almighty bed still locked away in his hotel room; the way he shot into 'cleaning mode' at that moment, I must say that sex is a great motivator.

Walking through the lobby of the hotel, my mind was flooded with memories of the terrible night we had our falling out; the first time my heart had completed ripped in two. Then I was reminded of the night we had come back here after our date, after we had both been drinking. We had stumbled our way up to his room, experienced great lust and desire as we had embraced passionately, but that was also the night that he told me he had to leave early, tearing at the muscles in my heart again. I suddenly came to the realization that I didn't particularly like this building, it being the home of some of my most painful moments. I walked through the lobby silently, taking in the marble floors, the red carpeting and the big brown leather couches where I had fallen asleep waiting up for Harry. Too many bad memories; strive for only happiness today, at least for now.

Reaching his room, unlocking the door, I walked in after him, quietly, my head hanging slightly, focusing on the carpet padding under my shoes. The door clicked behind me and I kept my focus down. The calm was escaping me; my heart starting to race, my hands starting to fidget and my chest tightening again. I felt his arms wrap around my middle and scoop me into his hold, the devilish grin peeking through on his lips. He had a look of determination in his eyes, and he proceeded to carry me over to the bed. While I was having a light crisis by the door with my nerves starting to turn to shambles, he couldn't keep his hands off me and was dragging me to the bed. I was a little grateful for the distraction; I could focus my mind on what was in front of me, what I had while I still had it, in a sense.

His lips were attached to mine, moving, caressing as our entangled bodies fell to the soft mattress, my body still wrapped tightly in his arms. I exhaled deeply, my hands running slowly up his chest under the material of his shirt, my fingertips tracing patterns on the hot skin. His hands found the hem of my shirt at my lower back, and mimicked mine and snaked under, sending a fury of tiny tingles all along the smouldering skin.

"Don't you have to pack?" I mumbled into his lips as he continued to kiss me passionately, his tongue brushing mine as I tried to speak.

"Later," was all he said, before he pulled me further up onto the bed.

"Now, now, now Harry, that's why we came here, so you could pack," I said, pulling away from him, feeling my lips tingle from numbness after leaving his touch. My cheeks were undoubtedly flushed as I struggled to catch my breath.

"I thought we came here to try out this bed remember?" he said, giving me a quick wink before crashing his lips on to mine again. The heat rose exponentially and the beating in my chest echoed loudly in my ears.

I gave into him, letting him have his way with me, enjoying every moment of it. Tangled limbs, clothes strewn across the floor, a mess of sheets and skin as panting filled the room. Soft moans echoed within the four walls, gentle whispers of love and how much we would miss each other were spoken, weak promises made of waiting forever; I meant every word that I said, I could wait for him, and I would. I laid beside him, tangled in his arms once again, our breaths calming, hearts starting to beat into rhythm. He stole soft kisses, each time leaving the patch of skin where his lips once were with a numb sensation, the nerves overwhelmed with feeling.

Time ticked away as we enjoyed each other's company, relishing in the calm moments, the normal moments that we longed to experience. He told me of his Christmas plans, the ones we had initially planned to spend together. He told more about what he had to do with his band, the promotional T.V. performances, the interviews, the appearances; it was all so hectic and I felt sympathetic for him. Everyone would be getting time off, and there he was, putting his life on display.

"So, I guess since you got to come down now, that your Christmas visit is out of the question huh?" I asked, knowing full well what the answer would be.

He spoiled me with his visits, and I was just being greedy now, but I really wanted to see him over Christmas; now that I had managed to introduce him to everyone, we could have had a brilliant Christmas.

"I don't know, I didn't think about it," he answered quietly, fiddling with a strand of my hair between his fingertips.

"Oh," I exhaled. Maybe he had forgotten.

"Oh, no, I didn't mean it like that, I didn't forget, I'll just have to ask management that's all. I don't know exactly how long this new promotional stuff is going to take," he answered, locking his gaze with mine to reassure me. There he went again, as if he was just looking right into my insecurities that were buzzing around frantically, and he knew exactly what to say.

"Oh ok," I said, letting out a small laugh to mask my embarrassment.

"You didn't think I forgot did you?" he asked, pulling away from me only slightly.

"Oh, forget, no," I lied, quickly looking away knowing that I was a terrible liar, and that my face would give it away.

"You did, didn't you?" he asked laughing to himself.

"So, I did, a little. It wasn't necessarily 'forget' more like you would have been busy, and you already came down now, so it was selfish of me to even ask really, and I'm sure that you have other plans now that are more important…"

I was rudely interrupted in the middle of my rant about all my insecurities by the crashing of Harry's lips on to mine. I continued to mumble into them, but he just pressed harder against my own, the force making the kiss seem more intense. I wouldn't give in; I wanted to be heard, so I continued to speak, my voice coming out muffled and lower than usual.

"Will you just shut up and kiss me back already?" Harry asked rather loudly, pulling away from me, staring at me with a stern look on his face.

I let a small smile curl onto my lips, his eyes darting to my mouth as I did so, and the same smile being mirrored in his eyes.

"You can't just shut me up all the time by kissing me," I said firmly, but continuing to smile goofily. I had placed my hands defiantly on my hips for effect; to try and emphasize that I was being very serious. Not really though.

"Oh really? Well, what if I was to do this?" he asked coyly, leaning forward and placing his lips softly on my cheek, grazing slowly along the skin down to meet my lips in a soft and tender peck.

I felt the hairs on my neck raise, goose bumps erupt down my spine while my hands firmly grasped onto the sheets beneath me. My eyes closed heavily, basking in his gentle touch. He pulled away from me, and I quickly opened my eyes to hide the fact that I had thoroughly enjoyed that.

"Nope."

"Well, what about…" he asked again.

This time he brought his hand to my cheek and cradled the weight in his palm; bringing his face closer to mine. I braced my lips for another assault, but his lips passed right by mine, and just brushed my cheek in reaching my ear as his breath danced across my neck.

"…this?" he whispered huskily into my ear, as he proceeded to run his tongue slowly across the lobe of my ear, grabbing it gently between his teeth, biting down slightly.

My whole body went limp while he sucked away on my ear, his hand stroking my cheek gently, the trembles shooting through me. My eyes closed again, just soaking in his touch, uncontrollably letting out a weak sigh from my lips, admitting defeat; my weakness to him. He responded to the sound immediately pulling away, giving me a satisfied look; he had accomplished exactly what he wanted to. I just stared back at him, speechless, short of breath, heart pounding, grip tightening around the sheets.

"And this," he said again, his voice as low as ever.

He closed the gap between us and brought his lips to the skin of my neck. He placed hot, soft kisses along the skin, numbness following his touch, my legs weak and hands shaking under his lips. With a final flick of his tongue, he began to pull away from me, my hands flying up to his face and grabbing it roughly. His eyes locked with mine.

"Oh God Harry," managed to spill from my lips exasperatedly before they attached to his.

We shared another passionate kiss, one of the countless ones we had experienced today alone, each one more earth shattering and mind numbing than the last. I pulled away completely out of breath yet again, my lungs being devoid of air periodically all day, my need for Harry taking over my need to breathe.

"You really do need to pack," I said, some reason managing to sneak it's way back into my head, pushing aside only slightly my thoughts of Harry. "You only have," I began to speak, looking for the bedside table with the clock on it, "another 4 hours until your flight," I finished.

What? Only four hours? How did we manage to lose all that time? Where did it go? Oh my God he's leaving soon, only four hours and he'll be gone. Wait, it's four hours until his flight, but that means he'll have to go through customs and all that at least an hour before departure time, so we have only three hours! Shit! My breathing was quick and shallow, my heart pounding in my chest, but in a more rib-shattering way and not a fluttering way that Harry makes me feel. Just as I felt my head get dizzy and light-headed, Harry's hands reached for my face and pulled my gaze to his. He centered me, brought me back down from my sudden breakdown, and tried to calm me down. We shared a silent moment, eyes locked, breathing slowing to a calm. He brought his lips to mine, kissing me gently and slowly pulled away.

"Ok, let's start packing," he said flatly, pulling away and heading for the bathroom.

After taking a shower, and making ourselves presentable to the outside world, Harry began to pack up his things, while I sat silently on the bed, watching him as he moved slowly around the room. I sat fiddling with a pair of his drumsticks, leisurely rolling them through my fingers as he folded clothing and threw shoes and belongings into his suitcase. I would have helped him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't bring myself to help in the leaving of the person I wanted to stay most; I wasn't going to help in my heartache.

It didn't take him long to pack really, less than an hour; he hadn't taken out much of his belongings from his suitcase, all of them fitting nicely back into their place. Turning back to me after doing up the zipper, he just stood there gazing at me as I absent-mindedly twirled the wooden sticks in between my fingers, my gaze focused on the sheets I was sitting on. I felt the gaze bore into the top of my head, and I brought my eyes up to be met by his. I saw his stare drop to the drumsticks still in my grasp.

"Sorry, you don't want to forget these," I said, getting up off the bed, extending my arm to give him back his drumsticks.

"Keep them," he said, pushing the sticks back in my direction, turning his back to check the room for anything he may have left behind.

"What?"

"Keep them," he repeated.

"Are you sure? Aren't these your favourite?" I asked unsure, not really wanting to take them if he didn't really mean what he said. I wanted them selfishly, something to have of his with me when he left.

"Yes, but I want you to have them, something to remind you of me," he said, keeping his back to me.

"It's not like I could forget," I mumbled under my breath, my eyes dropping to the sticks in my hands.

I looked down at the battered wooden sticks; they were worn, having been used countless times. They had small cracks in the wood, nicks all along the length, small chunks ripped out of them, mirroring the state of my heart. With tears and nicks running through it, I felt that this love I had with Harry would be one that would last, even with all its imperfections, it was there in full force.

"Thanks," I whispered quietly, gripping the sticks firmly in my hands.

"It looks like I have everything packed," he said half-heartedly, walking over to me and wrapping his arms around me.

He pulled me in closer, but I kept my eyes focused on the wooden sticks in my hands. My fingers tightened around them, suddenly feeling that same suffocating feeling in my chest. Tick tock, time was running now, speeding, every second blinking past me as I felt myself drowning. _Stop it, pull it together!_

"Maybe we should get going," I said, breaking the silence, "in case there's traffic."

"Yeah, I guess," he answered, resting his chin on the top of my head, his arms not loosening at all.

I rested my head against his chest and inhaled deeply; another moment to commit to memory. I felt him kiss the top of my head and then pull away slowly. A tiny tear escaped the corner of my eye and fell to my cheek, my hand rushing up to wipe it way before Harry could see. I had cried enough tears in front of him and I didn't want to cry any more.

He lifted his suitcase, it rolling behind him as I put on my jacket. We walked to the door, all belongings in tow, ready to leave. I looked back one last time; the strewn sheets on the bed, the room seeming bare, only tiny remnants exposing our existence here. Soon enough it would all be gone, cleaned up and cleared away; the space forgetting that we were ever here, that our love ever existed within these four walls. I took in one final breath, a final glance around the room, and turned my back to it, the soft click of the door closing off the room to us.

_If ever there was a doubt  
My love she leans into me  
This most assuredly counts_  
_She says most assuredly_

As the glass doors slid open, I felt a cold wind blow past me, an uncontrollable shiver shooting down my spine. Harry was in front of me, pulling his suitcase, me dragging a few steps behind. I didn't want to walk any faster, each step heavier and more tiresome as we got closer and closer to the gate. My hands were fidgeting uncontrollably with the sleeves of my jacket, creases pressed into the material from all the twisting and pulling my fingers had done. I had been fighting back tears since the morning, the pressure now stronger than ever, using ever fibre of my being to keep them from falling down my cheeks. I didn't want to cry.

Walking into the bright building, lights intense, the floor a light grey and all around me people bustling around to get to their destinations; I felt myself getting lost in the commotion. My head was no longer able to think clearly as I continued to walk in an automatic fashion; one foot in front of the other. This building was the home to some of my saddest yet most happy moments.

I could only compare this building to that of a rollercoaster; playing upwards and downwards with my emotions, making me sick to my stomach yet I always came back. When Harry arrived, I would be happy, excited for the time we would get to spend together; I would be waiting at the top of the rollercoaster, sitting atop the highest drop, just waiting. Then Harry would be here and the decent began; at first you're still excited and you feel the wind rush past you, not wanting to slow down. You continue plummeting down, not paying attention to the speeding ground coming towards you. You remain carefree, laughing, enjoying the ride for what it is; thrilling. Then the drop starts to go faster, the ground now approaching at a quickened pace and you start to panic; he has to leave me soon, he has to go home. Heart race quickens, breathing erratic, your hands clinging for life onto something that can brace you in this chaos; the bottom of the drop is almost here. You reach the bottom, returning to this god forsaken building; he's leaving now. As he walks away, you're left at the bottom of the drop, the wind now still, the only feeling remaining of your trip down is the sick sensation in the pit of your stomach. He walks out of your life for now, and you're left alone as you make the steep ascent back up the hill, on your own, waiting until you reach the top to feel the same excitement you did before. I felt all of that, and much more whenever Harry came to visit me. Throw in the breaking of my heart when he walked away from me, and you have the rollercoaster that I ride everyday.

The drive over here was awkward, as it always is when I drive him to the airport, silence filling the small space, as I focus my eyes on the road ahead of me while my mind races around. Harry had kept his hands placed in his lap for the entire ride, twisting his fingers, hands clasped, unclasped, fidgeting in his seat while my eyes caught glances of the movement. He was nervous, anyone could see it in his face, in his shaky eyes as they darted around. I steadied my nerves, the trembling of my hands on the steering wheel, gripping it.

We walked up to the ticket counter, Harry handing over his passport and ticket automatically; the reflex coming from travelling so much. I heard the conversation as background noise, the pounding of my heart drowning out the noise. Brief voices saying 'How are you today?', 'Please place you bag on the belt', and 'Have a safe trip' managed to perforate the echoing of the beating in my ears. I stood frozen to the spot, just staring ahead, at nothing in particular, but just staring.

"You ok?" I heard Harry ask, my gaze being ripped from its previous spot to focus on him.

"Hmm? Yeah I'm fine. You done?" I asked, looking behind him to see his suitcase ride down the belt, behind the counter and down the shoot.

"Yeah, I have to wait half an hour, the plane will be boarding then," he told me, clasping my hand in his and pulling me in the direction he started to walk.

"Do you want something to drink or something?" he asked nervously, trying to make casual conversation in an awkward situation.

We sat down in the back of the waiting area, a large window behind us, the cool from the outside coming through the glass. We sat side by side, hand in hand, just blank-faced, not really knowing what to say.

"No, I'm ok," I responded flatly, my stare still straight ahead.

"Ok," he answered, silence filling the air between once again.

"I just want to sit here with you," I spoke, finally turning to him and placing my hand gently to his cheek, stroking softly as I looked him in the eyes.

He didn't say anything; he just pulled me into him and wrapped his arms around me, my body leaning into him and resting there, heavy, tired from all the emotions that rippled through it. I sighed heavily as he began to gently stroke my hair, pushing it from my face. I stared ahead and fell into a daze, my mind wandering over different things; all having to do with Harry.

When was I going to see him next? Where did we stand exactly now? I knew that we had progressed a lot as a couple in the last week or so, but nothing was defined again, and I felt like it was up in the air a little. It was the distance; it left things vague, left them spread open over a vast space. Was he coming back soon? Was he going to be too busy with promotional stuff now to keep in touch for a while? Was he going to keep all the promises he made to me? Was he going to be faithful now? Most of all, how was I going to cope with him leaving this time? This time was different from the rest, this time things were said that couldn't be taken back, and we were both separating with parts of ourselves invested in one another. How was I going to cope?

'_Could all passengers for flight number 070 to London, England please proceed to gate A7, the plane is now boarding…'_

I heard the announcement and I jumped in my seat, Harry's arms tightening around me to try and calm my nerves. My heart began to race again, my hands shaking and my mind spinning. It couldn't have been a half hour already? It felt like nothing; a small blip in the emptiness of space. How could I have just sat here thinking the whole time and not been talking to Harry in our final moments together? I had wasted the half hour. _Damn it._

"I guess I better head over there," Harry broke the silence, sighing loudly.

My body turned to him abruptly, swivelling in my chair, still tightly locked in his arms. I looked at him and just leaned forward, catching his lips in mine. His lips were soft against my own, responding immediately as my arms wrapped instinctively around his neck, pulling me in closer to him. He drew me to his lap, my weight resting on his legs as we continued to kiss passionately, not caring about the on-lookers, just getting lost in each other. His tongue laced with mine, and they entangled, the heat being ignited once again. His hands cupped my face, a reflexive act that I loved the feeling of; the touch of his hands to my cheeks sending another heat wave through my body. My breath was escaping me, and I felt the need to pull away, but my heart protested; I had wasted so much time already, and I just wanted to savour this, I couldn't pull away. But my lungs overpowered my heart, and I pulled away slowly, taking in a deep breath as I did so, inhaling his scent. Our faces remained close, eyes locked, both breathing heavily. He stroked a hair from my cheek and kissed my lips again briefly, the numbness now taking over.

He stood up, with me in his arms, and placed my feet down gently. The floor seemed to suck me in, holding the soles of my feet firmly in place, not wanting to move from that spot. He reached down for his carry-on bag with one hand, and for my hand with the other. He loosely intertwined his hand with mine and locked his fingers to my own. We began to walk slowly to the gate, the image growing in size as we continued to walk. There was a small line of people, and I proceeded to it, my mind blank, afraid that if I let it fill with thoughts, I would just break because the only thing I would see is Harry leaving me.

_It's always have and never hold  
You've begun to feel like home  
What's mine is yours to leave or take  
What's mine is yours to make your own_

I was pulled from my path, Harry's hand tugging on mine, pulling me to the side, away from the crowd of people.

"What are you doing?" I asked, searching his eyes for a reason.

He took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly and looking up to me as he finished.

"So, I hate this," he started.

"Me too," I interrupted.

"And I want you to know, that I didn't forget," he said, brushing my shoulder gently.

"Forget what? What are you talking about?" I asked truly confused.

He clasped my hands in his loosely, dropping them in front of us, hanging in the space between us. He took in another deep breath, and I knew he had something he wanted to tell me; he always got this slightly torn look on his face when he wanted to say something important, never really knowing how I was going to react.

"Before I tell you, I don't want you to get angry ok? And I want you to know that I did it because I love you so unbelievably much," he started to talk, making me more and more nervous. What the hell was he going to say to make me angry?

He reached into his carry-on and pulled out a glossy envelope; I recognized what it was immediately. It was a plane ticket. My eyes darted from the envelope and to his face frantically, wanting an explanation immediately. My mind was racing with possibilities, both good and bad, my heart now pounding so hard in my chest that I was afraid it was going to crack my ribs and jump out.

"I didn't forget about Christmas. And I bought you this; it's a plane ticket to London for December 20th. I want you to come and visit me and spend Christmas with me in England," he said, his voice dropping at the end of his sentence.

I remained speechless, only being able to spurt out half-worded 'but', 'what' and 'how'.

"When I found out that I had to leave early, I called and asked management if it was in any way possible for you to come down. They said that we had the promotional stuff, but if you came down near the end of the month, that it would be fine," he started explaining; me still at a loss for words. He really hadn't forgotten.

"So, I bought this for you, and before you start protesting about it being too much, and all that nonsense that you always preach to me, just know that I wanted to buy it for you. I want you to come down to England, I want to spend Christmas with you, I want to introduce you to my life over there, and I want to spend time with you. I know that your family is important to you and that this is last minute and all, but I really want you to come over, I want you with me. So please just accept it ok?" he finished, holding out the envelope for me to take.

I stared down at it. I was truly speechless, and my heart ached from how sweet he was being. He was perfect. He somehow managed to turn this terrible experience into one that was beginning to be my favourite. This could have been a scene from a movie. He wanted me to come and visit, he wanted me to come and be with him, most of all he wanted me to be part of his life over in England. I was squealing internally, jumping up and down like a little girl, pure joy coursing through my veins. But my body stood still on the outside, overcome by shock. _Move damn it and kiss him!_

This time, my body listened to my brain and heart screaming at it, as I flung my arms around his neck and crashed my lips to is, moving frantically over them, wanting to show him just how much this gesture meant to me. I loved him so much and I just couldn't believe everything he did for me. We remained locked in the embrace for what felt like mere moments, never long enough. The trembles that shot through my spine could shatter the foundation, radiating heat as they traveled, my skin rippling with goose bumps and electricity that coursed though every vein and artery in my body. His tongue swept across my bottom lip, mine mimicking the action, our hands starting to wander as we began to get carried away.

I pulled away slowly, the lack of oxygen limiting me once again, but I stood on tiptoe to remain close to him as our faces just touched.

"Is that yes then?" he asked breathlessly.

"Yes," I answered.

A wave of relief washed over his face as I said that single word. I gave in completely, not wanting to protest for the first time in my life. I was just so overcome with pure joy that I didn't care about my pride. I wanted to be with him, and he had taken a chance in doing this, so I accepted. I whole-heartedly accepted it.

He kissed me again, his lips pressing firmly against mine. He lifted me into his arms, my feet leaving the floor and my arms tightly around his neck. We pulled away from each other, me still up in his arms, as he planted soft kisses all over my face, a wide grin positioned on his lips.

"You have no idea how happy you have made me," he said in between kisses.

"Harry, I love you so much, and you're the one that has made me so happy, unbelievably happy, and agh… God I just love you so much," I exclaimed, a little louder than I had hoped.

We managed to draw the attention of some people close by. My cheeks brightened at the realisation, but I ignored it, not caring because I was in the arms of the man I wanted to be with. We kissed again, the heat building, passion slowly rising between us as our lips collided.

"But it really is too much," I mumbled into his lips, a smirk playing on my mouth.

"Oh shut up and kiss me already," he said, tightening his hold around me and pressing his lips even more firmly against mine.

This scene could have been the closing shot of romantic movie; the guy and girl hopelessly in love, sharing a passionate embrace as cheesy music began to play in the background, the ending credits scrolling down the screen, leaving the audience in a blissful happiness, knowing that there was hope and a future for this pair of individuals. It was perfect.

'_Final call for all passengers boarding flight number 070 for London, England. This is your final boarding call; please make you way to gate A7 to board the plane.'_

The overhead speaker brought us back to earth, ripping us from our embrace, and reminding us that in spite of all our happiness, Harry still had to leave today, right now to be precise, and it was going to be terrible. He lowered me down, my feet touching the floor and my knees feeling weak all of a sudden. He kissed me one final time, firmly on the lips, his hand cupping my face. He pulled away slowly, and bent down to pick up his bag. I let a small tear roll down my cheek, one mixed with joy and sadness, and as he stood back up, he caught sight of it, and brushed it away, kissing the spot where it was, and then moving down to kiss my lips again.

"I love you so much," he whispered, looking down on me.

"I love you too," I said, reaching back to up kiss him again; the thought unbearable to think of as a last kiss.

He stroked my cheek one final time, placing his lips on mine and lingering as he pulled away. He smiled, a genuine smile, as we had something to look forward to.

"I'll see you in three weeks," he said happily.

"Yeah, three weeks," I replied, looking down at the envelope in my hands.

"I'm so glad you said yes."

"Me too."

And with that, he looked at me one final time and walked towards the gate, his back now facing me. I pivoted in my spot, my gaze following him as he walked slowly towards the airline employee. He spoke quietly to her, handing over his ticket and waiting for her to let him through. She handed it back to him, and he turned back to me, catching my stare immediately. He gave me a smile, a half-hearted one appearing on my lips as my heart began to tremble, cracks splintering through it, and then he turned around and walked down the tunnel to the plane.

My hand rose weakly in an attempt at a wave, but he had already turned around. I stood rooted to the spot, silent tears cascading down my cheeks as his figure got smaller and smaller, as he walked further and further away from me. My heart shattered at that moment, but somehow managed to sew itself together quickly as I remembered what I was holding. I tightened my grip around the envelope, my other hand flying to brush my mouth; savouring the tingling feeling his lips had left. I focused on the envelope and what it meant; I was going to see him soon. We would experience all this joy and heartache again as I arrived in England and then had to leave, but it was worth it. All of this was worth it. He was worth it. I had fallen for him hard, and all this heartache and strife was worth the happiness that I felt when I was with him. Everything was worth it just to be loved by him.

_Oh, oh  
Be my baby_  
_I'll look after you_


End file.
